I’ve [28M] been dating my GF [21f] for about 2 years. Things are good, we both love each other and are planning a future together. Something came up last night and her response bothered me.
My GF’s brother, [22M] is a drug addict. She and her family denied it for a long time, making excuses for him, but they’ve finally accepted it within the last 3 months or so. They didn’t think anything of it when he was coming to ask for $40 every day (he said it was for cigarettes). They didn’t believe the video his brother had of him buying drugs. He also stole car parts from his brother, which his parents bailed him out and paid the man off he sold them to. He stole a lawn mower from his aunt and uncle (they are pissed at the aunt and uncle for not dropping the charges.) He’s never held down a job longer than 6 weeks as long as I’ve known him. No car, and wrecked his dads truck last week. Stolen money from his moms purse. And a lot more.
He got hit with 34 felonies for theft. Evidentially the police were watching him for a while. His parents sent him to rehab, paid his bail and paid 5k for an attorney. This is within like the last month. Which brings us to present day.
The brother is apparently doing good, off drugs and being super helpful around his parents house. His mom asks him to drop something off at his sister’s house [30s F]. He just had to leave it under the carport. Well he did, and also went in their garage and stole a few hundred dollars in tools. Their 13 year old daughter was home, but he didn’t know that. That night, another family member finds the stuff for sale on fb. My gf’s BIL wanted to press charges. My gf’s sister did not.
They are now having a big fight. My gf told me this last night and said make sure all my tools were put away in case her brother decided to come here and steal stuff. The conversation then turned to how if her BIL pressed charges, parents would hold it against him. I asked why wouldn’t they hold it against their son who stole from them? She said she knows her brother was wrong, but he’s already on bail and if he gets arrested again he’s definitely going away for a long time. I told her he shouldn’t have stolen the stuff then. She said, “just make sure your stuff is put away because I don’t want to have this conversation with you.” I told her, “you know what I would do.” (Which is press charges.) she still says I couldn’t do that and how it would destroy my relationship with her parents.
This bothers me for two reasons. 1. She basically said if her brother stole from me, we’d wind up breaking up because if I made him face consequences, her and her family would hate me for it. And 2. This is the second time she’s told me that some things I just need to let go when someone hurts me. We had a get together at my house when her mother was clearly rude to me, so I said something back to her. Afterwards, my gf wanted me to apologize and said I should have just let the whole thing go for her sake. Never asked her mother to apologize even though she was clearly the aggressor. I didn’t apologize.
Would I be wrong to press charges if her brother stole from me?
TL;DR: GF’s brother stole from her sister and BIL. GF says if he did that to me, I couldn’t press charges.
10 comments
Your gf, her family. Don’t overstep. You deal with your girlfriend, she deals with her family. You don’t have a problem with her family, you have a problem with your gf.
You can set boundaries for what you are comfortable with or not.
Even if you feel righteous in having her brother face criminal charges for any injustice, you will break social norms as long as you are your gfs partner.
You talk and compromise with your gf.
You don’t engage her mother directly, you engage your gf who gets to stand up to her mother on your behalf.
Stand up for youself man. It’s good, that you didn’t apologise for something, that ain’t your fault. If you showed yourself as push-over, they’d treat you like one. Same thing with the gf’s brother. Stick to your principles. Keep your dignity.
If that complicates matters with gf’s family, fine, so be it. You are her man, not their family dog.
You aren’t wrong, but it really is better to keep everything locked up until your gf realizes that you aren’t going to be able to get him the help he needs.
You won’t get the things, or the money for the things he might steal back.
The hypothetical argument you guys are having is a great distraction for your gf (who has realized her brother is a drug addict) to direct her anger at someone who isn’t him.
Dude, she’s know him forever. She knew him when they were both sweet, innocent little kids.
Please cut her some slack. This is an awful thing to watch someone you love turn into. She’s navigating not knowing who he is anymore and needs support more than anything.
Lock your stuff up and just… Don’t let it be an issue man. He’ll find his way to jail on his own.
So she would basically turn a blind eye to any crimes her brother commits, with the logic being that he’s already in deep shit and being caught committing any further crimes would make his situation worse?
Yeah I’d probably do the same thing you are man. All she’s doing is enabling him (to quite literally commit more crimes). This isn’t a mistake where he’s been caught doing something that *looks* bad (which might be a valid reason to let him off the hook), it *is* bad.
If the relationship with her parents deteriorated because you didn’t let their junkie son steal your stuff without any consequences then I’d say… What else do they expect to happen?
That’s her family. Have a little compassion. Also, lock up your valuables.
Maybe you shouldnt start dating 19 years olds at 26?
You “my young GF makes dumb choices over family stuff”
Don’t enable the enablers, her or her parents. Don’t put up with bullshit from her brother, her, or her parents. Don’t try to get someone to like you by showing them that they shouldn’t respect you. Don’t build a relationship at the expense of your own dignity. If it comes to it, tell your gf that his behavior is toxic not just to her brother but to those around him, that you want no part of it, and wish her the best of luck.
You could text the BIL that you 100% support him pressing charges – unless you feel that would pour oil on the fire in your almost fight with your gf.
You come second in this relationship, her family comes first. If you can accept those terms, you’ll continue the relationship. If not, what are you still doing there?
34 felony theft charges. he’s going away anyway.