Not sure which r/ to post this on but here seems best for me?
I ended up having sex with my now ex boyfriend (18m). We had always been kind of iffy on it & he always said we’d wait till marriage.
But when he had gotten home from a trip & was hanging out at my house he asked if he could put just the tip. I was extremely nervous as we were in my living room & I was concerned my family member could walk in but eventually after him asking enough I told him yes so long as he made sure to be careful.
So we got adjusted and he put just the tip in, then started putting more in.
It was my first time so it hurt and I was beginning to get stressed out, and as he started thrusting I kept asking him to stop & I kept saying no but apparently he wasn’t listening to me. I almost started crying, it made me extremely uncomfortable and I felt horrible doing it and I wanted it to stop.
Eventually it did and I asked him why he didn’t stop when I asked and he said he didn’t hear me.
Which I guess is understandable but we were the only two in the room, no TV, nothing, right in each other’s faces so he should have heard me.
I know I consented in the beginning but I kept begging for it to stop and he didn’t.
It’s on the list of reasons we broke up & when I talk about it with my current boyfriend he says he counts as rape, and that if it makes me that uncomfortable & upset I don’t need to say I lost my virginity to my ex if it’s not something I wanted to do.
I just feel gross about it & I wish it had never happened, I wish a lot of the things he did to me hadn’t. And I love my current boyfriend a lot & I wish he had been the one I lost my virginity to, so I could have a good memory out with someone I care for, not a memory shrouded in darkness, sneaking & repulse.
Should I just try to forget it & not consider it my first time? That’s what my friends tell me to do and I wish it were that easy.
Edit:
I also wasn’t just speaking, I tried pushing his hips and arms away but he just held me down more. Along with this I was shaking my head no and obviously had tears in my eyes.
Edit: thank you to everyone in the comments. You’re words mean a lot to me & are definitely helping my view on the situation so I greatly appreciate you all. <3
25 comments
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Yes, it is absolutely sexual assault. Once you revoke consent, they can’t just continue. When you have sex both partners need to give enthusiastic consent, which means they’re not pressuring you into it, they don’t just start having sex with you without asking, etc. I hope you’re doing okay. There are a lot of resources available online if you need to talk to someone about it, here’s a [hotline](https://www.rainn.org/resources) with a number to call or the option to chat online
Consent can be withdrawn at any time
not always the physical first time is the “real first time”. You love your boyfriend, you want to experience it with him, in the end you still have all your sexual life to discover, sex does not stop to the simple thrusting; it’s obviously difficult to forget the other episode, and in my opinion you should listen to your boyfriend, and if he says you should reach to autorities you should do it, obviously if you feel comfortable
Yeah, that’s rape. I’m so sorry that happened to you. How long ago did this happen and did you tell anyone but your current bf? You may want to tell one of your parents and ask them to help you file a case against him.
So you can revoke consent at any time, so the answer to your question is yes. I also wouldn’t really consider what he did “sex”, so wouldn’t say that you lost your virginity to him. As far as I’m concerned, I’d say that honor belongs to your new bf 🙂
You’re ex is a complete garbage human being scum fuck. Yes that is rape, it disgusts me to even hear about it let alone you’re friends telling you to rationalize what happened and forget about it. I’m so sorry that happened to you and really hope the trauma doesn’t fuck with you long term.
Yes it is rape
Yes it is!!!!
It’s multiple forms of rape actually. The fact the he kept asking until you gave in is not consent, it’s coercion and with physically restraining you while you told him no is absolutely SA. consent can be withdrawn at any time, it doesn’t matter that you said yes at first, if you said no than it should have stopped right there.
>but eventually after him asking enough I told him yes
It started to be raped about here. I hope you’re safe op
Yes. Consent can be withdrawn *at any time, for any reason*.
I would argue that u didn’t consent in the first place because if he wouldn’t accept no for an answer and kept harassing you to say yes, then that’s not consent. It is 100% rape and he should’ve backed off the second you didnt say yes.
Just try to remember that are millions of people who’ve been through this and you’re not alone in it. There are so many people u can talk to through hotlimes etc and you shouldn’t feel ashamed of what happened. He fucked up and hurt you, you didn’t do anything wrong.
You can’t withdraw consent at any time. Please seek support from trusted friends and loved ones.
He raped you. As soon as you said stop, he raped you. Before you tried to physically stop him he raped you. I’m so sorry
Even if he didn’t hear you, but when you’re trying to push him off off you that’s already the sign to stop.
He probably also got off on the possibility that somebody might see you two.
What your current boyfriend’s that is correct though.
You literally did not ever consent. Even your initial yes was coerced (and thereby NOT consent) and ONLY for the tip, which is an inch.
You were raped and it was rape from before he ever stuck anything in you.
Stuff like this makes so so angry I can’t find the words, I don’t understand how a person can still get off knowing their partner isn’t happy, or even worse is crying and in pain? How can you possibly cum when your partner isn’t having a good time and infact is having the opposite of that? I will never understand that.
So sorry that happened, you didn’t deserve that and he’s a pig. Relived to know he’s an ex, may he never come near you again.
Hey OP, something similar happened to me. I was in a relationship and wasn’t ready for sex. My ex put it in without me knowing til halfway through. It was rape. It was also my first time.
Its been about 4 yrs since then. I don’t label it as my first time, though I do say my first time was with him bc I was young and niave and stayed with him, and we eventually did it consetually.
But its completely up to you. You don’t have to give it any labels. In fact, its something I barely talk about anymore tbh. It’s lost its meaning overtime even tho it still hurts when I do think about it.
Sorry dear, it was rape. And “just the tip” was a shit way to trick you into having sex with him. With men it’s never “just the tip”. He is an asshole who took advantage of your inexperience and naivety.
My personal opinion – if you want to, if it will make you feel better – don’t consider it as your first time and don’t consider that asshole as your ex-boyfriend. He is nobody. Start anew. You’re dating a good man now – let him be your first! Hugs.
Yes, that was rape. The second you so much as flinched he should have stopped. The moment you said stop he should have stopped. The fact that he kept going makes it rape. In fact, his continued pressuring to put in “just the tip” was coercive and also part of the rape. No means no. It doesn’t mean keep badgering until they give in. Stop means stop. It doesn’t mean keep going. He knew exactly what he was doing. It was not an accident.
It was not your fault, either. You did nothing wrong. This is something that he did to you because of his own sick choices. I am so so sorry that happened to you. I’m so sorry that your first sexual experience was stolen from you like that. What he did is not ok. However you feel about what happened to you, though, is ok. No one gets to tell you how to define that experience or how to feel about it. Everyone processes it differently. I am so glad to hear that it seems you have found a loving, patient partner. If you feel like you need to talk about it or need some counseling resources, there are local as well as national hotlines you can call. If you are in the US, RAINN is the national organization and many local YMCAs offer rape crisis services.
Enthusiastic, ongoing consent is the standard.
Consenting to one activity doesn’t mean consenting to another. He took that situation too far and I believe he heard you.
Once you withdrew you consent by asking him to stop it becomes rape it doesn’t matter if you initially said yes you then said stop he didn’t listen.
So glad you’re out of there. Not surprised he tried to turn it on you after he realized you weren’t gonna stay and he’ll let him keep mistreating and abusing you. So proud of you! Good luck on your healing 🧡
When I was 16 I was dating a girl who had been raped previously.
We had talked about this at length prior to having sex the first time.
During our first time together, she almost immediately became visibly uncomfortable. So I stopped.
She didn’t even need to verbalized the fact that she wanted it to stop, but I stopped anyway.
The following day, she thanked for me being so sensitive and understanding of how it was difficult for her.
We went on to have a healthy sex life until the relationship ended for unrelated reasons.
This is how you should have been treated.
What your ex did was rape as soon as you withdrew consent.