Hi all…I’ve been living here and r/divorce for months/years. It really could have gone either way. I didn’t want to share my woes with happily married people so I’ve been venting in r/divorce. But now I’m sharing my hope with happily married people, and I ask with an open heart for help. (Go away trolls)

TLDR of my marriage: unhappy marriage, banged our heads against the wall repeatedly, I gave up and focused on myself and my happiness. I was content with having a crappy marriage for the sake of kids having a dad, and living my life outside of that.

We were basically living like separated people. I’d take care of the kids weekdays, when he was home on weekends, he’d take care of them and I’d leave. We just avoided each other.

It all came to a head and my husband did a 180. He’s recommitting to me in all ways. I have hope for the first time in years. We’re talking, and that’s a huge step, but obviously all of our issues are still there. We’ve committed to marriage counseling after individual counseling.

So, married redditors, what are your tips to having a happy marriage? How do you work through conflict – from the little stuff to the huge things that have built up over the years? What are the things your spouse does to make you feel loved? What do you do to make your spouse feel loved? How do you have a happy marriage?

11 comments

  1. This is very interesting, what led him to the 180? Was it something positive (new and improved outlook on life after a long time of insightful self reflection) or negative (guilt after a secret affair)?

  4. It’s hard to give advice without understanding the issues. The fact that he took care of the kids on the weekends makes me think he’s a good dad. You also said he works. Not to set a low bar, but those are important factors and qualities to appreciate. Sometimes it helps to focus on what you have, instead of what you don’t.

    I’d also encourage you to consider that you may incorrectly attribute meanings to actions. A personal example…my ex allowed his family to behave very disrespectfully to me. Only after the relationship ended did I grow to understand that he hated how they treated me, but that he didn’t stand up to them because he felt they didn’t fully love or accept him either. He didn’t view their treatment of me very differently than his treatment of him. He wanted us both to win them over. Really understanding changed my heart. Try to really understand. And then acknowledge that your spouse is human. Maybe he did do something out of anger, boredom, etc. Sometimes you just have to choose to forgive. You aren’t obligated to forgive everything, but you can choose to forgive. That’s within your power.

  5. I’m going to copy and past what I tell people when they ask how my relationship is as good as it is. Hope you find something in there that’s helpful.

    This is long, so I put the main points in bold so you can skip the details if you want.

    **To begin with, we’re extremely compatible.**

    Part of this probably luck, but certainly not all of it. I was extremely intentional in dating. From around 18 I knew I was dating to find someone I would marry. I never stayed in a relationship for fun or to not be alone. And I had the very realistic understanding that Love does not conquer all. When I realized something between a GF & I that I felt would create a compatibility issue, would be likely to be a point of contention in the future, I moved on.

    Some might think I was being overly picky, but It’s worked out so well. We’re both fairly easy going and the things that are very important to her to have a certain way I either agree with or they are not important to me so it’s easy to let her have that. And visa versa.

    We have the same views on all the most important aspects of marriage, from raising children to sex to boundaries with friends & coworkers, and much more. We don’t have to hash those issues out because we’re already in sync.

    **We spend huge amounts of time and talking together.**

    We’re each other’s favorite person to talk to & spend time with. I call her on my lunch breaks and we flirt via text while I’m at work. We’ve been working out together 5 days a week lately which is wonderful. We go out regularly. We often fall asleep holding hands.

    We go for walks just to talk and hold hands. I’m sure our neighbors are all familiar with the site of us walking together hand in hand.

    We talk about the situations we see other couples in and how we will avoid them. The marriage and marriage advice subreddits have been great sources for spurring these conversations.

    **We had both good and bad examples to learn from.**

    My parents were an incredible example. I heard my dad raise his voice at my mother just a couple times growing up. Each time, once it was calmed down, he explained to us that regardless of what the disagreement was about he was wrong to have raised his voice at her. Then he apologized to her in front of us.

    My wife had the opposite. When still a pretty young girl, her dad introduced her to one of his girlfriends. He was that brazen. Her mom had been doing the “stay for the children” thing and eventually did realized it was doing more harm than good. But you can learn from bad examples too. Just ask yourself what they would do, and do the opposite.

    **We give each other the attention a spouse deserves.**

    For example, if one of us is sitting on the couch playing on the phone and the other on sits next to, we put the phone down and give our attention. At least for a bit until we know it’s ok to pick it back up.

    Related to that is-

    **We flirt and show affection**

    For example, my wife greets me after work by coming to meet me at the door as I get home each day. She does this with a beautiful genuine smile and we embrace and have a good long kiss. It’s a simple show of affection but also of appreciation for what I just spent the last 10 hours doing. I look forward to it every day.

    She didn’t always do this. It actually began with me finding her wherever she was in the house as soon as I came in to embrace and kiss her. After a year or so she started coming to the door part of the time. Then more and more until now I rarely need to go looking for her. Maybe just if she’s engaged in something she can’t step away from.

    **We don’t relive or dwell on the past.**

    For example, She had some things from her dating past she wasn’t proud of. She told me about them (general, not detailed) 2-3 months into dating. I took a few days to think about whether I was going to continue the relationship. Once I decided, I made a promise to my self to never mention or allude to it in any way. And I haven’t.

    **We support each other and some things, if temporary aren’t worth stressing over.**

    When Life was super busy (kids activities, sports, etc) and she decided to start going skating to the adult skate night at the rink on Sat nights, one of the only two nights we had the option of spending time with just the two of us, I was disappointed. I felt like she should be choosing to spend that time with me.

    She’d been a SAHM for more than a decade and I felt she deserved to go enjoy herself and have this fun social hobby. So I didn’t mention it and I’m glad I didn’t. Six months after it started the pandemic hit the rink shut down for a year. I’m glad she got to have that fun before being cooped up in the house all day again. Now the rink is back open and our oldest is responsible enough to keep an eye on the others why we go skating together. The sacrifice for six months was worth what it did for her.

    **We both do things to try and help the other.**

    If she needs some time to relax alone in the bedroom I’ll make sure the kids don’t bother her. She does the same for me. She’s always made sure I had about 20 minutes to myself to unwind and transition to dad mode after getting home from work. She hates ironing so I’ve done it all our entire marriage. It can actually add up to two or three hours a week. If I see her folding a giant pile of laundry that I know is there because she neglected it all week, that’s ok. We move the giant pile to our room and sit on the bed folding together. I actually enjoy the time with her even while folding laundry. Dishes are primarily her responsibility with how we divide things, but I’ll do them while she’s grabbing a nap or something else that takes her out of the house just to surprise her when she comes back to do them and finds it’s already done.

  6. At the core of my relationship is respect. You can communicate without respect. You can love without respect. But a lack of respect will, long term, destroy any relationship.

    Respect is at the core of productive conflict. You present your grievances without name calling, without yelling, without passive aggressiveness, without saying intentionally hurtful things. You listen to their grievances without getting defensive, without being dismissive. And then you work with your partner to fight the problem, instead of fighting your partner.

    Respect is at the core of an equal division of labor. Respectful partners don’t treat their spouses like a maid or a nanny. They don’t make their spouse treat them like a child. They don’t have to be nagged to take care of mutual responsibilities.

    Respect is at the heart of financial fairness in a relationship. Respectful partners don’t let their spouses suffer under financial hardship if they have the means to ease that hardship. They don’t devalue unpaid work done to run a household. And they acknowledge that everyone needs the space to purchase things to make them happy, within their means, without being criticized.

    Respect is simply the core of any functional relationship.

  7. He reminds me of me. My wife was unhappy with the way things were going and I was truly a shitty husband. She gave me the option of divorce and that’s when I realised how terrible things were for her.

    I did 180. We are in a wonderful place at the moment and expecting a baby girl this year.

    The thought of losing her made me feel terrible. I realised how wonderful she has been.

    I love her to death.

  8. I’m happily married 27 years. Here’s what’s worked for us:

    * We love each other. I want what’s best for her, and she wants the same for me. We go out of our way to make each other happy and feel loved.

    * We support each other. If she needs (or wants) something that I can provide, I do so. Same for her. We are happy bringing this comfort/security/satisfaction to each other. When one feels down, the other lifts him/her up.

    * We appreciate each other. We acknowledge what the other brings to the relationship. We do not set unrealistic expectations on each other.

    * We forgive each other. We don’t keep score. We’re working together towards our goals. I don’t expect things “my way” and she doesn’t either. We don’t hold grudges towards each other. And sometimes I take more of the load, sometimes she does.

    * We spend time together. Affection is important. We have shared hobbies. We hold hands on walks, on car rides, in the store. We talk—about our past, about our future, about what’s going on.

    The important thing here is for both spouses to be on the same page. If one has limitless forgiveness but the other does not, that’s tough. If one is appreciative and the other isn’t, that’ll bring resentment.

  9. For me, I actually love being around my husband. And visa versa. Which is good because we are with each other 24/7. Except when I need a weekend or he needs a weekend away from the kids. (We have 4). I am a sahm and he is self employed. During certain seasons he’s busy. The not-so-busy seasons, he is home. Just puttering around. So I assure you, we are together every. Single. Day. For more than a few hours. We eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. So actually liking each other is a good start.
    My husband is an awful communicator because he never talks. I am an awful communicator because I wait and let it build up till I blow. So after almost 10 years, I have learned to talk about how I feel as soon as I can. And if I want to know how he feels, I ask him. We didn’t really learn to be “great communicators” But we did learn how to communicate with each other. So we adapted. If I am upset with him, like REALLY upset, I take a walk and come back and try to talk. If I can’t, I wait till the next day. If it’s still bothering me, we talk. (When I am calm)
    So I love had depression my whole life. I’m 37 right now. As I’ve gotten older I feel my mental illness is way more than depression. I just haven’t gotten to the doctor yet. My kids and animals keep me very busy. But hubby thinks I have a personality disorder. So to show me he loves me he hugs me ALL the time. He knows how much it makes me feel safe. All I need is a hug. He is also very patient with me. Something I’ve never had. So I know it’s boring, but if he’s outside working on a tractor and I text him, “I really need a hug”. He will stop what he’s doing to give me a hug. I’ve only done that a couple times. But it was when our kids were younger and life was way more chaotic.
    My husband is a very calm and simple man. I can send him a long ass text about how much I love him OR send him a “I love you” with a picture of my boobs. Lol but I cook for him, I let him decompress and play all the video games he wants while I take care of things. He loves to cuddle before bed. So I take one for the team and enter the hot zone and die before bed. Lol (he’s literally an oven)
    I honestly feel he loves me because we are opposites. I’m blunt, funny, witty, affectionate, talk shit, and curse like a sailor. He’s reserved, shy, sweet, doesn’t talk much, and comes from a family that IS financially successful but gave him ZERO affection. He loves all the affection I give him.
    Honestly, as cliche as it sounds, we are just a team. We have great sex when we can. (Again, 4 kids 17, 8, 6, 3, 2 dogs, 2 cats, 2 large aquariums, a tortoise, a pond, etc etc) Now we didn’t just start this “dream team”… we earned it after many years of shit. But we stayed together and worked at it. Now all of hard work is paying off because life is much easier.
    Maybe some reflection is in order. In your heart of hearts, do you genuinely love your husband? Are you still attracted to him? Does he appreciate you? Is he a good father? Is he your teammate?
    I’m not a fan of quitting because it’s hard. (Unless there’s abuse and other negative factors.)
    I really hope you can figure things out. My heart is with you.

  11. The little things matter. My husband routinely brings home my favorite Starbucks treat, or he’ll bring home a sweet treat en route home from work/errands. It may seem like a small thing, but in the grand scheme of things, these small acts of kindness are meaningful.

    Find joy and humor in the daily, hum-drum activity of life. People focus so much on “the next big thing” — the engagement, the wedding, baby #1, buying a home, and other big events. Realistically? There’s a WHOLE ASS MARRIAGE that comes after the wedding. Don’t forget that. Hold hands while crossing the street when heading into the grocery store. Giggle at the weird-looking dude with the bed-head (once you’ve turned the corner of the aisle and are out of earshot). Laugh at each others’ farts. Kiss your spouse when they get home from work. Let each other decompress after the workday.

    Don’t yell at each other. It’s really that simple. Find yourself quick to anger? Do some introspection. Did you get sufficient sleep the night before? Have you eaten food or hydrated sufficiently that day? Did you have a particularly stressful day? Convey that upfront. Example: let’s say you had a bad day. Tell your partner in crime. “Hey, had a bad day, I apologize in advance if I get snippy/short at any point.” That way, your spouse knows it isn’t *them* — and won’t internalize your frustration (as much). Still having issues with your temper? Go to the doctor. Get checked out. There might be something wrong. THAT INCLUDES MENTAL HEALTH. There is no shame in seeking counseling. It can help.

    Do stuff together. Even if it’s just jumping in the car for a 20-30 minute Sunday drive to go look at a pretty view, or walk around your community pond/park. Hold hands. Embrace each other in a hug. Fresh air and togetherness can be restorative.

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yes, I know how cliche this sounds. I’m a military spouse, my husband is in the service; he has been deployed, away on assignment, or in the field about as frequently as we females get our periods or random spotting. Sometimes, a few days away can give you renewed perspective, and make you appreciate each other more.

    Adversity is hard, but it can also bring you closer together. I’m 27, my husband just turned 32. In our 8 years of marriage, we’ve survived: chemotherapy (me), deployment (him), confined to a wheelchair for ~18 months (me), excessive drinking issues (him), a dozen surgeries (me), and more. We seem to spend half our time in hospitals due to my medical circumstances (autoimmune disease with rare + serious complications). Does it suck? Yeah. But, we still find things to laugh and smile at when we’re in the hospital. Funny selfies when we’re both gowned and gloved in an isolation unit. We’ve come up with our own little “literal” body language when I’m in some sort of scanning/imaging machine, and he’s only allowed to hold my foot (one tap of my foot means “I love you”, two taps means “I’m still here”, or he’ll start jokingly playing “this little piggie went to market…” with my toes, things like that). We’ve gotten pretty knowledgeable about the world of medicine/healthcare, so we crack dark jokes about the medical industry and its pitfalls. Continue living life even amid adversity. For example, when I was in a wheelchair, we didn’t let that stop us; we still went hiking (we scored a super cool, ultra-light wheelchair that could handle rough terrain), continued traveling, etc.

    Pick your battles. PICK. YOUR. BATTLES. Before nitpicking or making a stink about something, stop and ask yourself: will this matter tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year? There’s a LOT of stuff in life that you won’t even remember 24-48 hours later, so isn’t worth picking a squabble over. Just my two cents.

    TLDR: Just be a good human.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like