M, 27. I used to be a very social person in my teenage years. But at some point it all started going downhill. I don’t know why. The people that I trusted kept betraying me or stabbing me in the back. At some point, I became a very cynical person. I have a good relationship with my family and a couple of close friends, but those are spread across the US.
With time, I started to believe that most people will try to approach you only if they see some value in you, otherwise, you won’t be interesting to them. The “friends” that I had helped, ditched me as soon as they got what they wanted from me.
I have grown to accept that I would rather spend most of my time focusing on my career, hobbies (both social and individual) , and my immediate family. I am not married yet, my last serious relationship was 2 years ago. I am well educated, fit, and take of myself.
I really want to ditch that part of my brain that craves social interaction. I really believe that with most people it comes down to who gets to gain most value from whom. It seems that nowadays it’s hard to make friends just to have fun. But I just can’t shut down the feeling of loneliness. I have spent this whole day depressed, barely able to be productive.
My acquaintance wants to connect me with her friend this week, and the rest of the group. But as far as I know, the people here are mostly career oriented, and they evaluate you based on how much you earn and where you work. I despise these kinds of values, and refuse to play this wicked game, but I still feel lonely. I am really jealous of people who can just spend their whole day on their own without the need of socializing with other people.
8 comments
Try not to let the few inevitable bad experiences with people jade you. Your need to be social to some degree is deeply ingrained and part of what makes you human; it’s counterproductive to despise it or shun it. Most human relationships are transactional on some level, sure, in the sense that in any relationship there is self-benefit—but that’s not inherently bad, and it’s still definitely possible to find satisfying friendships and partners.
Idk about your personal experiences but…
You can be friends with people without relying on them and thus giving them any space to betray you.
It’s true that people only approach those who offee value. But not always because they want something. People crave interaction and fear loneliness, so they seek friends they like and respect. And if they are good people, they want any giving or helping to be mutual.
I also do not ljke to help people that much, I find it brings leeches to you. Yet I will help people who have proven themselves to be generous and helpful themselves, or at least appreciative and not manipulative.
I think what you need to do is set boundaries. You can have friends without being the one who always gives. Having this attitude will keep away the people who always want to take.
Hope this helps.
> I became a very cynical person
> only if they see some value in you
> I really believe […] gain most value from whom
> they evaluate you based on how much you earn
Not to be a complete dick, but your mindset is incredibly toxic. If I’m hanging out with people it’s not for some ‘exchange’ of value, it’s because we both want to do stuff with overlapping interests. Nobody is sat there deciding whether or not pursuing a friendship with you is worthwhile or not, in fact I’d guess that you’re the only one in the group actually doing that.
Having this mindset is likely affecting how you interact with people, even if it’s subconscious, which people can sense. I’m not saying you have to pretend to be super happy and positive towards people the entire time (because that just screams desperation unless you’re already established as being a positive person), but think less negatively and enjoy whatever the experience is, and you’ll realise that people want to be around you cause you’re not hung up on some bullshit that’s in your head.
Maybe the thing you need to discard is the cynical outlook rather than the basic need for social interaction and validation.
Specifically when the cynicism seems over calibrated and domineering your life in a way w real effects.
You should go into CBT therapy to get out of your toxic mindset.
Find Friends like you…there are heaps out there…just start of conversations to the point and you’ll make some real connections guaranteed
So I kinda get you.. looks like this all started from the moment your friends ditched you. I was actually the opposite, unfortunately, without disclosing too much details, I cleared out my circle of friends after being too damn hurt to keeping them by me. Honestly, I’m not doing too well myself to give you any “advice” but wanted to say, I feel you.
I’m 26, female, and pretty much in the same boat. I had a friend group ditch me in favor of rumors that were spread about me. Pretty soon half my town had heard gossip about me in one way or another. I’m working on reversing my jadedness as well, so I don’t have much advice, but I wanted you to know that you’re not alone.