Love my wife with all my heart. 20 years almost. I started a new job though and one of my colleagues is extremely attractive to me. She is smart, funny, beautiful, and – most of all – she’s a huge nerd like I am. I hate this – I’m already extremely depressed and I don’t want to put myself in situations where I could give into temptation. I’ve been an honorable man my whole marriage but I’m also smart enough to know this is a dangerous “crush.” It’s not just a person I find cute, it’s a person that I find beautiful like my wife. I’ll be working with this colleague closely but I’m really going to try and stay my distance away from her as much I can. She’s too interesting to me and the more time I spend with her alone, the more I fear I will just like her more. I don’t want to be an asshole either though. It’s hard to stay neutral though with someone you have a genuine connection with. Has anyone gone through this before? Advice is appreciated here.
11 comments
Don’t do it bro. You’ll just end up in a shame and self loathing spiral of regret. It’s a trap.
If your work has a no dating co-workers policy…use that as your guiding light.
It’s a terrible situation and it could be bad news for sure.
You clearly know where your heading. I am guessing you partially want this to develope… and that’s what’s really dangerous.
Are you already fantasizing about spending time together with her at work? Are youl creating situations where you have to see her or spend time together in the work environment? Have you already done or said things that your wife wouldn’t approve of?
You don’t have to be “an asshole” to your co-worker. But using this type of logic is a way of tricking yourself into being friendly and being attentive to her, because you don’t want to “be rude” and you don’t want to “be a jerk”.
My best advice is don’t let her rent space in your head…that’s the space your wife should occupy.
I feel for you…this isn’t going to be easy.
Good luck.
You will destroy both your marriage and your job.
Here is how you handle this.
You are going to be friends with her. That’s foregone and can’t be avoided. But that is OK – IF you handle it right.
Whenever you think of her – and you will think of her a lot for a while – like when driving your car, etc. – think of her as “the girl at work who is a friend” instead of “the girl at work I am in love with” Say that to yourself. Think it in your conscious mind. If you find yourself daydreaming or fantasizing about her, deliberately think of something else.
It will take a few months but unless she decides that she wants your body and subconsciously or deliberately sends signals to you – the crush will pass. And of course (this should be obvious) make SURE she knows you are married. Mention your wife to her so if she’s high quality she will not send signals.
Fortunately for you, there is a high likelihood that she just thinks of you as a friend. She likely knows none of your feelings. And that needs to stay that way.
DO NOT go “confessing your attraction” to her or any of that Hallmark Channel stuff. Unless of course you want to be EXTREMELY uncomfortable around her and you want her to be EXTREMELY uncomfortable around you.
I’ve had multiple crushes on women in the past other than my wife. So have many other people. If you are adult about it and do like I said, then in time the crush will pass and you will be left with just a warm friendly feeling towards her.
Remember that all a crush is, is you falling in love with an imaginary woman who you have created in your mind. Your imaginary woman isn’t doing any of that mundane stuff like plucking nose hairs, or farting up a storm and stinking up the bathroom after a visit to the Taco place or driving 20 miles on a rim because she was too stupid to realize she had a flat tire. Your imaginary women happens to look like this coworker but that is all she is.
Get a new job lol and be honest with your wife
Stay away from her and strictly professional. Just don’t get close at all, no small talk, only work related
Rub one out whenever that happens. You are thinking with your dick. I do that whenever I see a hot lady.
27F here. Married 8 years. And maybe I’m biased. But, I honestly think my husband is the most handsome, sexiest man I’ve laid my eyes on. I see him naked all the time, but my heart flutters and skin gets all tingly whenever I see any part of him naked, and my 👀 can’t help but wander and wonder. So, in conclusion, no. I don’t really notice other men.
Genuine connection I guess is no longer with your wife? Go home and nurture your marriage like your supposed to.
Contrary to popular belief, you do actually have some control over who you’re into. You don’t have much control over initial attraction, but you do have control over feeding it. Why do people have crushes, even when they hurt? Because despite the pain they are still mainly focusing on the fantasy of how great it would be to be with that person. Thinking about a crush gives you a mood boost, so you tend to do it more often, cycling you deeper into the crush.
Stopping a crush requires mindfulness of your thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking about your crush, stop, refocus and think about your wife. Try meditating on what you love about your wife, focus on what makes your marriage wonderful. 7 principles for making your marriage work has a good list of phrases and questions too focus on to build your connection with your wife. Try to be realistic about your crush, she’s just a person, she has flaws, she’s not the perfect glowing person she is in your crush goggles.
Yes I have.
I went home and upped my game with my husband. I had us go on more dates, complimented him a lot (all true things, saying them out loud made me recognize them more), had more sex with my husband.
I also made sure not to put myself in any situations with my coworker that could lead to problems. No closed doors when we were the only two in the room, being friendly, but keeping it professional.
Eventually I saw him being a dick to someone else and that ended the crush.
Go home to your wife and put more effort into it than usual. Take her on dates, be extra complimentary, have more sex. Remind yourself what it is that makes your wife amazing.