I’m (32f) in a relationship (40m) of 5 years, live together, have a dog. (Not married but that’s potentially in the future. Hoping to get some input from experienced peeps).
We’ve had quite a rough time for a lot of our time together due to personality differences and other things but we’re now in therapy and trying to rebuild trust and safety within the relationship. We’re both good people with a lot of love for one another who are aware of a lot of our own shit and trying to let go of a lot of conditioned b.s.
Everything has been going well for about a month, however due to the baggage that’s been created we haven’t had sex for over 2 months now (the longest time for us). In the past I would get really sad and frustrated with lower than desired (by me) frequency, however I’m handling it very well this time because I’m truly committed to put in emotional/mental work first and help us rebuild the bond without pressuring him to have sex ( by pressuring I mean bring it up a lot or act moody ).
I realize the importance of basically taking this off the table temporarily so that we can just build a sense of ease and tenderness with one another, which is what’s been happening. He’s calling it a reset button.
This is mostly for him, because he can’t have sexual desire unless he feels emotionally connected and safe. If I could have it my way we’d be doing it 2-4 times a week. It helps me stay connected to my partner and of course the ego boost of feeling desired is nice. I’m compromising to a large degree in order to hopefully reap the benefits in the long run. I’ve been very patient and accepting of the circumstances, however I started to feel a bit uneasy about it in the past few days.
I’m being very conscious and compassionate about our situation and am letting go of control and expectations (life saving combo) but the unease has crept in. I am starting to feel impatient and a little frustrated with the potential fact that I’m giving up too much of what I want in a relationship. Physical connection is very important to me. We’re still affectionate, just no sex … which is a better situation than nothing of course.
Ugh I’m just trying to stay in a Zen place, trusting that this is all temporary and that it’s just a necessary pause, but it’s becoming more difficult for me not to feel like I’m being deprived and that he may not be doing enough to help us move forward in this department.
I guess I would like to hear some perspectives of people who know what it’s like to be in a long term relationship that you’re fighting for and that requires you to make some sacrifices. I know everyone’s situation is unique and it’s hard to give input on this kind of thing. Are there any good endings out there, where the work you put in pays off? I’d love some affirmation and encouragement that I’m doing the right thing and that shit will work out….but of course I’m being realistic and understanding that it may not.
Thanks in advance for any input 🙏
TLDR: Been working to rebuild trust and safety in a 5 year relationship but am struggling with having to put sex on hold (2 months now). Tapping into a place of patience and compassion has been much easier than before, due to personal growth, but frustration and thoughts of being deprived are creeping in.
2 comments
r/deadbedrooms might be a better place for this.
There are 3 key things that if you have them in a marriage, the relationship can weather the worst storms.
There is both people loving each other
There is both people LIKING each other.
There is both people being sexually turned on by each other.
This is why it’s rare for asexuals to marry each other unless they are sex positive. Even asexuals recognize that even if you aren’t turned on by it, you have to have sex from time to time to keep the relationship going.
You sound like you love him – BUT – if he’s a “project” then you don’t like him as he is (he does not sound that likable as it is) you want to fix him.
I think it’s almost impossible to trust people you don’t like. It’s actually EASY to trust people you don’t love – you don’t love your banker but you trust him – but if you don’t like someone, you just aren’t going to trust them.
It sounds like you went to therapy to make him and you more likeable to each other. Do you think that is working?
It also sounds like he’s one of those that must have both like and love in order to have sex. Your choice, as always, is to wait it out and see if he changes to where you can like him, or give up and find someone else.