Sorry if this post in incoherent, I am having a really hard time right now. We’ve been dating for about 8 months.
I thought everything was fine, and then he left my apartment about an hour ago and texted me “Why are you dating me? Am I fun? Personally, I’m not having fun at all, recently.”
I was really taken aback, and just said “Because I like you? I’m sorry we haven’t been going out lately..”
And he said “It’s not just that we’re not going out, I’m sick of paying for everything too.”
I just started a new job, so I’m catching up on bills that I had while I was between checks, and he quit his job 6 months ago to start freelance hair styling which hasn’t kicked off like he thought it would, and I haven’t put any pressure on him about money because I’m aware it’s a struggle and just wanted him to try out his dream.
Also, since we started dating, I’ve been having weird health issues. I am just sick all the time and have had constant fatigue. I thought it was from smoking, so I quit about 2 months ago. I was still feeling fatigued all the time, and then had one day where my heart rate was at 160bpm for hours even though I was just sitting. I got diagnosed with hyperthyroidism two weeks ago, and am now going through all the tests to see if it’s an autoimmune disease or something else causing it. It’s a lot of money, a lot of energy, and I just started a new job so I’m still catching up on finances so all my extra money is going towards these doctor’s visits.
So basically, I am sick and have no energy so I don’t want to go out much, and I have no money because I am sick and am trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. And that makes me boring.
He has also been commenting on my weight and food A LOT these past couple of weeks. I’ve gained a lot of weight. I know, and I’m not happy about it. I want to lose weight, but it’s been hard eating at a deficit when my thyroid makes me ravenous constantly and I can’t work out because my heart rate gets too high too quickly. I tried to work out yesterday, just some body weight exercises, and I can’t even do a proper lunge. I think my hyperthyroidism has destroyed all my muscle while still making me gain weight. I told him about this, that I felt so weak and was so unhappy in my body. I thought he understood.
Then hours later, he bought me an ice cream and made a comment that I ate it too fast. He always says I eat my food too fast and yesterday I just broke down in tears because it’s just too much to hear right now. And after this he says he wants to have sex after I’ve just opened up to him about how I feel so insecure in my body and he makes this comment leaving me feeling like shit.
I am so sad. I really like him, I thought we potentially had a future together but after all this I’m not so sure. If he can’t understand that I’m sick and broke but trying my best, then he should just leave me for someone who is healthy and rich. I’m not always going to be 100% energetic and fun, especially not with what I’m going through right now..
TLDR: He’s bored because I’m broke and can’t go out much, I can’t go out much because I’m broke and I’m broke because I’m having a myriad of health issues and am undergoing testing to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
1 comment
You have a lot on your plate right now – you just started a new job, you’re dealing with debt or at least budgeting well, you’re dealing with what health issues which you’re still figuring out, you’re dealing with the stress of quitting an addictive substance (nicotine), and on some level you seem to be dealing with bodily insecurities or at least a certain level of consciousness/alienation. On a higher level, you’re also at the start of your trajectory as an adult, so a lot of life things, like managing your routine, managing your responsibilities, and managing your relationships are still something you are learning to do.
It is natural to feel a bit overwhelmed by this and to desire support, especially from your partner. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem equipped for this role – I’m not understanding why, despite being a decade older than you – and relatively more experienced at managing his life, one would think – he couldn’t simply communicate his money anxieties to you. Why couldn’t he communicate that he would like to be more active or spend time doing things with you, rather than staying in? Why couldn’t he suggest an activity? You are hesitating about communicating how harsh/rude he is being to you because of what sounds like a lack of confidence. He is filling in that void with mean spirited comments. I would suggest you assert yourself and tell him that while you are happy to listen to his concerns, anxieties, or dissatisfaction, you are not inclined to put up with mean comments about your weight and personality. If he genuinely thinks you are a boring, gold-digging, overeater (which you’re absolutely not – you are an adult that chooses what pace she eats at lol), he should realise that he doesn’t like you and break up with you. I am around his age and I am able to identify that my dissatisfaction with the status quo is mine to resolve, rather than projecting it on other people like a sulky baby. This is not too much to expect from someone in their 30s who has far more life experience than you do – why are your expectations for him non existent?