I invited a guy over for dinner after seeing each other and talking for a while. Our dates have lasted 6 or so hours. Things have felt really good and natural, we have a lot to talk about and bond over and I feel really comfortable with him. He brought me flowers, we made a perfect dinner and nice drinks, then we went to my roof and cuddled under the night sky and talked all night. It was very romantic and lead to a lot of awesome foreplay. I wore these cute panties that tie on the side and asked him to untie them. We did not have sex but it felt like the natural next step. He wanted to stay the night and so we’re tired and in bed still talking and having some saucy moments. At some point in conversation I think maybe I said something about someone or something being hot and in response he told me I was “pretty but not hot” I reacted hurt and he said what you wanna be hot? And I said yes I want the guy I’m naked in bed with to think I’m hot. He said he was sorry and he didn’t mean to offend me, said I was attractive and beautiful and something about how I have called him handsome through the night and he doesn’t like the word handsome to describe him. We talked a little more and then awkwardly fell asleep. I had a lot of trouble sleeping or wanting him to touch me after that and he left at 6 am. He left me a book he thought i would like and it was a perfect gift given our shared interests. He also followed up with nice texts throughout the day.
Am I wrong to feel hurt after that and questioning things? He has been so genuinely perfect, but that comment hurt and when I expressed how I felt he seemed defensive. Like whatever his thoughts, I felt like he took me down a couple notches after a nice night and didn’t care to bring me back up when I told him how I felt.
I wanna add that the whole thing feels slightly doomed because he is a career musician leaving for a long tour with few visits to where we are til Spring. But I am a career painter and my schedule is weird as well with painting late for deadlines etc, so this unconventional dynamic actually appeals to me a lot. And even if given that that may doom it, I think I just want some guidance if my reaction is valid or not. My last relationship was 3 years ago and physically, emotionally, etc etc abusive and I think it’s still hard to figure out a healthy perspective and not project things from that time or slip into bad habits of letting people treat me like shit. Thanks for reading.
Tldr: guy told me I was pretty but not hot. Is he just a guy who said something dumb and I let it go or ask him to kindly fck off?
10 comments
Yeah, no. You can do better.
I could MAYBE have excused it as a momentary bad choice of words in the absence of anything else.
BUT. He said something outright negative to you while naked in bed. Then he tried to drag you it – it is not at all comparable to you giving him an outright compliment with a descriptor he didnt prefer.
He is trying to minimise his actions or drag you into being the bad guy as well.
Let me guess, apart from the fact he’s a travelling musician, and this, it all seems too good to be true.
I know you’re afraid that you are overreacting. I know that comment may seem small, but I actually don’t think it is.
People know not to say shit like that. I bet he’s a person who says unkind things and claims he’s “just being honest,” forgetting that there’s this thing called fucking *tact.*
If you move forward *(I recommended against it)* then you should be prepared to hear stuff like this frequently.
Words have specific meanings to different people. Maybe his meaning for the word hot is different than yours (or everybody else for that matter). Ask him what he thinks being hot means. That will let you know if he’s off on his communication or just a d*ck.
Why would you even want to be with someone who not only doesn’t think you’re hot, doesn’t only say to your face that you’re not hot, but who when told that he’s hurt your feelings, keeps arguing?
You’re overthinking it. He explained his perspective well when you called him handsome. Handsome sounds more like a formal, cold handshake kind of complement, instead of a seductive warm hug. My read is, he too would have preferred to have been called hot.
That said, from my experience, many “hot” women don’t appreciate being called hot because they regard it a tired, superficial and shallow complement. You have to ask yourself, do you want this handsome, honest to a fault, respectful guy in your life or prefer dating a player, who will tell you anything, just to get into your “hot” pants?
Perhaps ask him, if it bothers you, to personally define, “hot”?
He used descriptors like ‘beautiful’, and it seems like y’all had a wonderful evening.
Perhaps “hot” in his mind means like some long fake-nailed, vapid diva that’s quite prominent these days. Perhaps he’s very physically, mentally, and emotionally attracted to you, but for some reason the word “hot” irks him in his vocabulary?
Ask him what means by his words, and perhaps he’ll extrapolate for your mutual understanding.
He could’ve used his big boy words and told you he didn’t like to be called handsome. He tried to make some weird point by calling you ‘not hot’ like that’s comparable (it’s not.) I’d consider that a red flag personally.
You’re not going to know really how he communicates or how emotionally mature he is until you’re further in. From that one comment alone, he sounds immature.
If you decide to continue with him, keep an eye out for how he communicates. If the comment was out of character, you’ll know soon enough.
Hard pass. This early on, at his age, he knows he’s insulting you. He’s negging you in bed before you’ve even slept together. Don’t tolerate it.
I think it’s best to ask him what his definition of hot is. As a male, I make a distinction between beautiful and hot. For me, beautiful is an all encompassing word, it describes external and internal beauty. Hot on the other hand is pure sex appeal, with a deliberate attempt to extenuate certain features. Perfect makeup, tight leggings, cleavage for example. I personally have no interest in being with someone who meets my definition of ‘hot’. I much prefer someone who is beautiful and modest with a great personality that I find compatible. Everyone has their own definition, and I have no idea what he has in mind. It’s best to communicate.