Long story short, I have a weird gut feeling about my husband [32M] and another woman.
There is a married woman he works with. They’re friends. I had no problem with that until we attended a party for his work where she was CLEARLY blatantly flirting with him, grabbing him, and I could tell she is interested in him at the very least. Her husband was at the event! She was shamelessly behaving this way right in front of us.
I felt uncomfortable with it, but maybe she had more to drink that night than she should have? Or maybe I was misreading the interactions? So, I didn’t bother bringing it up.
UNTIL…
He went out with some buddies from work. She was there. His best friend called while he was out with them, and heard some conversation between my husband and this woman. Then later at home my husband had his bestie on speakerphone, and the bestie asked, “So what’s the deal with that chick? She sounds a little too familiar with you.” And after hearing that I brought up that I felt very uncomfortable at the work party for the same reason. This started a fight between us where at first he said, “She just acts that way around everyone in the office” and when I pointed out that I didn’t notice her doing that to anyone else at the party he pulled the classic, “Am I not allowed to have friends?!” card, so I dropped it. I wasn’t trying to tell him not to hang out with her, I was just informing him my gut felt bad about the way she acted toward him.
Fast forward a few months I tell my hubby I’ve been contacted by an old high school aquaintence and was catching up with him. He tells me he’s very uncomfortable with this, and thinks the guys is into me. So, I stop talking to the guy. I would never want to do something that made my husband uncomfortable. But apparently my husband doesn’t feel like that because even after I told him I was uncomfortable…
I find out my hubby is regularly getting lunch with the girl from work, even though they’ve been moved to different departments. And then she finds out she’s pregnant and asks my husband for advice about which breast pump to get… I only know because he asked me what he should tell her… (We have two kids.) My brain immediately flagged another woman asking a male coworker for breast pump advice as odd… Then yesterday he picks up maternity shirts to bring to the office for her…
I haven’t discussed how I feel with my husband because I HATE the way I feel about the whole situation. I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t want to be a nag, I don’t want him to feel like he can’t have friends. But I can’t be the only one who thinks this is WEIRD.
I just want to feel like I’m not the one out of line when I do let him know I’m feeling a bit uneasy.
Spare my feelings, if I’m the crazy one, PLEASE tell me what you would do, how you would approach this, or if you have any advice!
13 comments
You definitely need to talk to him. They are spending way too much time together. The whole breast pump thing, Red flag as hell!
He has a “work wife” and is crossing way too many boundaries here.
Far from being a nag you have every right to tell him that you are not comfortable with this relationship and that it has now gone way beyond what “friends” should be.
How far you want to push this is going to be up to you but if it was my wife and I was your husband, the law would be laid down in no uncertain terms. Basically the conversation would be along the lines of “this ends and this ends now or you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.”
Sure he can have friends, but he already has a wife and sure as hell doesn’t need another one at work!
I think you’re being super understanding considering the circumstances. Him getting upset over your contact with an old friend is concerning because it shows lack of trust which clearly you seem to give him trust in something that makes you uncomfortable.
Best bet is to sit and talk to him about how uneasy it makes you feel for him to be so involved with her and if he could respect your wishes in taking some steps back while still being friends with her. It’s not jealously, it’s respect for your partner. You gave him the respect of stopping contact with your old friend.
She would’ve known that I don’t play about my husband at that work party. But I’m confrontational.
I have no idea why you cut your friend off when he couldn’t care less about your feelings. There’s no reason they need to have lunch together everyday, her to ask him about breast pumps, or him to buy her clothes. I’d tell him enough is enough. Either end it or we need to separate because he’s not acting like your husband. He’s acting like he’s hers. Not to put anything in your head but I’d be asking if that’s his baby since he’s so invested. Lol.
Lmao so you drop the convo because he pulled that card but you didn’t pull that card back on him?! Girl what the fuck. He just pulled a double standard on you! And this is a classic “work wife” and crosses SO MANY BOUNDARIES. Fuck I would just be pissed if my partner had a “work wife” fuck that.
I’d start talking to the old acquaintance again & if your hubby says something, just be like “Well, if you keep in contact with (coworkers name) knowing full well it makes me uncomfortable and crossing many boundaries; I should be able to talk to (acquaintance name) even if it makes you uncomfortable, because I don’t do double standards. Want me to stop talking to (acquaintance name)? Stop talking to (coworkers name)” but I’m petty as fuck… so I mean, not a lot of people would do this lol
Why did you even stop talking to that guy from school? That would have been the ideal moment to tell him:
>”Am I not allowed to have friends?!”
This is not normal and he is at least having an emotional affair.
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>Then yesterday he picks up maternity shirts to bring to the office for her.
Why did you let him take her your stuff? Also, how poor is she that she needs second hand maternity shirts? I mean… she works and her husband work!
“Husband, please sit down, we need to talk.”
“A while ago I wanted to catch up with an old friend who happened to be male and you told me you were uncomfortable with this, so I dropped this friendship for you. Because I love you and respect you.”
“I’ve told you multiple times how uncomfortable your friendship with (colleagues name) is making me, yet you continue to not only disrespect my comfort but our relationship and our marriage and also her husband. Now you are giving her breast pump advice and buying her maternity clothes. I need you to answer this one question, is this child yours? Because if it isn’t, I’d like to attend couples counselling to work on our marriage and to work on your continued disrespect of me, I’d also like you to stop all contact with (colleagues name) except for at work and work talk only. If this child is yours then obviously we’ll be getting a divorce. I’m letting you know now that if you refuse this or continue this relationship then we will also be getting a divorce because right now you are emotionally cheating on me, your children don’t deserve that and I sure as hell don’t. Please make your decision within the next 24hrs so it gives me the chance to either find a couples counsellor or a divorce lawyer.”
He is cheating on you. Emotionally. Maybe even physically.
I sure as hell wouldn’t stay with someone who cares to little for me and disrespects me at every turn. I do know that those with children are more likely to stay which is why I added couples counselling.
He’s buying her shirts? Wth
I’d lose my effing mind and go off on my husband tbh and ask if he thought me buying shirts for my high school friend was ok? Should I talk to him again, or am I not allowed friends
You don’t find it weird that he was uncomfortable with a old high acquaintance meeting you. But out of respect for him, you cut it off. Your husband takes it farther spending time and money with his co-worker, you get upset, and he doesn’t care about your feelings. Even his friend knows something is wrong with their closeness and addressed it. Go ahead and have your husband invite her and her significant other out with you both. Good time to compare notes. Staying on the sidelines watching on the outside isn’t going to make things better in your marriage. Time to call out your husband and his girlfriend.
Ummmmm is the baby his?????? Like for real why is he helping her with baby stuff and not her husband? This is major red flags.
I understand your feelings and why you think it’s weird. It it very familiar. That said, as a man, if I was having an affair with a woman, or even interested in her romantically but hadn’t done anything yet, I wouldn’t bring up to my wife which breast pump she should get. I would keep her out of sight and mind to my wife. But I’m not a cheater so maybe I’m wrong lol. I think it’s completely reasonable to ask for clearer boundaries between them, but my gut is that your husband isn’t actually into her like she might be into him.
Why the hell is he buying her shirts. OMG girl. Seriously?
You aren’t crazy. He’s a hypocrite. He’s also a little too interested and engaged with her pregnancy.