I am anxiously attached. I’m working on this, but having trouble self-soothing or finding ways to cope with triggers.
My LDR of 5ish months is an overall great guy. I’m almost positive he’s a secure attacher – although he does like to avoid talking about serious issues. He will engage if I initiate. Generally speaking he’s kind considerate and consistent.
Before we became long distance, we agreed that we would video chat every day to stay in touch until I go visit in about 3 weeks. We’ve been apart for 2.5 months. I would say that about 97% of the time, we call each other every day. Some days we talk for a few minutes on Skype, and sometimes it’s an hour. It just depends. The 3% missed so far has been due to the large time zone difference. Sometimes he’s out late and wants to sleep, but it’s only midday here or vis versa. Or last week I was on a trip and we just couldn’t figure out a convenient time to talk on one of the days.
Today was more of a typical day – I was at home working and he was at home watching tv. Around 1am his time, he said he was going to bed (3pm here) but he hadn’t called me like he normally does, and there wasn’t a reason. He asked if I was working and I said I was taking a break. I wasn’t clear on if he was asking so he could call me, so I told him if he was too tired it’s ok. He said he was already in bed and going to sleep, and we would talk tomorrow.
I am immediately triggered thinking 1) he’s lost interest 2) he doesn’t want to talk to me 3) something changed 4) he’s not invested as much as I am 5) he doesn’t like me, otherwise he’d call. Etc etc.
1. I struggle to know if I’m correct, or if it’s just my attachment style. I think I’m wrong, but my fear convinces me otherwise.
2. My gut says he’s just not in the mood to talk today. He’s tired, maybe doesn’t have much to say, and we do talk almost every day on top of texting.
I need help. Is this just my attachment style? Or do I need to worry? If it’s jsut my attachment style – how do I cope so I can stop spiraling and thinking he’s bored/over it?
Tl;dr does this change mean anything or is it normal?
3 comments
It’s pretty common for distance to create that issue. Especially as time passes. For some people video calls or phone calls just aren’t the same as being with the person so subconsciously less importance gets put on them as time goes by to make them happen. Really there is no way of knowing what he is thinking without asking him though. Temporary distance can be really difficult, but it also can make the relationship stronger in the long run as it builds trust and it helps prevent things like codependency in the relationship. I guess just try to tell yourself everything is fine and what he says is what he means. Further reading into it will almost always produce negative reasons more often than positive.
Is the long distance temporary or infinite? If you’re going to be long distance for more than a handful of months, then that’s really a lot to put on a new relationship of only 5ish months. Are you sure it’s worth being in a long distance relationship? It wouldn’t be for me — I’d probably drive myself crazy and fixate on things like a missed phone call.
Also, do you have a pattern where he always calls you? I’m curious why you didn’t just call him when you knew he was just watching TV and it was getting so late in his time zone. I think you need to start feeling free to call him when you want to. Being in a pattern where you always have to wait for his call can be triggering for someone anxious.
I am just going to be real with you.
Settling into an ldr, of indeterminate length, after just 3 mos of dating is madness. Doing so while trying to work through your anxious attachment style is pure folly.
Y’all are solidly in your 30’s and are well past the age that entering into an open ended ldr makes any kind of sense. If you a 10hr drive apart, this would be silly, but you are 10 time zones apart??
Where us this relationship supposed to go? How is supposed to grow? Do you plan on waking up one day, at 40 years old, still trying to figure out your Skype schedule?
Don’t you want more than this?
You dated in-person for three months. You both should be mature enough to recognize that you are geographically incompatible and that you barely know each other.
You ne to cut bait and get your head screwed on right.
You can remain online friends but focus your romantic interest on someone who is, at minimum, geographically compatible.
Good Luck.