A girl kissed my drunk boyfriend. Background: my boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year and a half and have had a perfect relationship. He covers my room in post it notes about how much he loves me, spends every night with me, spoils me, shows me off, literally tells everyone in his life about me to the extent that everyone hates us.
I went to Israel on a study abroad a few weeks ago, and my boyfriend went out drinking with his friends. He drank all day from 8 am – 1 am and had been smoking. He goes out drinking somewhat frequently and it’s never been a problem in our relationship. Him and his friends were having a competition to see who could pick up the most drinks from a girl. (sidebar – he doesn’t care if I scam guys for free drinks at the bar, even encourages it, so I have no problem with this). Near the end of his night, this girl asked him to dance, and seeing as he thought he could get a drink, he said sure. He told me that it was only two or three songs, and that he wasn’t into her (she is not cute or his type so I kinda buy it) and that he was just trying to get a drink. He admits that dancing with her in the first place was wrong, but that he was incredibly wasted and drunkely figured I had done the same to get a drink and was kind of like “what’s the worst that could happen?”
The girl ended up saying she was going to a different bar, and he said okay and before leaving she kissed him. He said he was stunned at first, very drunk and very confused. He kissed her back, he said it wasn’t very long until the drunk/shock wore off and he pushed her off.
They were about to go to Miami as a friend group, and all of his friends lift/work out regularly and he doesn’t, and he told me he was feeling really awful about himself. He told me he thought drunkenly that randomly talking to girls might make him feel better, but that he would never actively seek out cheating.
After that, he pounded waters and red bulls begging his friends to leave the bar. He came clean to me about all of this. He told me everything he possibly could about the day/night.
Right after that, him and his friends went to Miami for spring break. He stayed in the entire time, was not in any of his friends photos, wasn’t drinking or smoking, nothing. Spent the entire trip on the phone with me, staying up until 3am//4am everyday to talk to me (Israel time difference), just sobbing, apologizing, hyperventilating, etc.
The last few weeks he has been the perfect boyfriend. He has done EVERYTHING, spent every spare second trying to make me feel loved, special, understood. He doesn’t contest anything I say, when I’m super sad, pissed, down, he just agrees and offers to do anything he can to make it better. He hasn’t drank, gone out, or even hung out with those friends that were present that day.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t trust him now, but I love him so much and I know how perfect things can be between us and he genuinely feels the worst ive ever seen someone and has pulled out every stop to fix things between us. I just need public input because its been weeks now and I still don’t know what to do. Help ):
TL;DR: a girl kissed my boyfriend when he was very drunk but we’ve had such an amazing relationship and he was honest about it and is pulling all stops to make it better but I’m lost.
9 comments
Why can’t you trust him?
Sounds like a nice kid, we all make mistakes. Sounds like he learned a lesson in all of this too. This doesn’t sound like something character revealing or something that will develop into a pattern in the future. Hell maybe he will drink less even.
I would forgive him in this situation, but I would not let it pass a second time.
So if someone rapes him that’s cheating too? Cause you can’t trust him after being sexually assaulted…
You know him the best. And he knows he’s hurt you and the relationship and with everything you mentioned, he seems to be trying, rebuilding the bond with you. He isn’t giving you any excuses. I understand that you can’t trust him fully again and that it hurts, give time to yourself. Heal. Understand. Talk to him.
If you decide to forgive him, do it properly. Don’t keep bringing it up without good reason
I think you would be ok in trying to forgive him. This appears to be a “one-off” incident based as a result of too much drinking. And he did not initiate the kiss – an important point.
If he was a cheater he would not be punishing himself and calling you all the time begging for forgiveness. In fact, he might not ever mention the incident had happened. Why cause the drama?
Had you two previously set up strict standards regarding the drink scamming? Is any of his behavior something that crossed a recognizable, previously established boundary? Or is it just behavior that wasn’t necessarily against predetermined rules but that now makes you both feel kind of icky?
Reading through the post, I get the impression that it’s the latter. If that’s the case, I get why this event might have shaken the two of you, but honestly, I don’t see it as a transgression. He did something in a territory he assumed was fair game at the time, was the recipient of a kiss he didn’t ask for or initiate, and clearly feels real remorse over his actions and the pain they have caused you both.
My take? Y’all had a scare, but you’re still on the same team here; take this opportunity to either call off all future drink scamming, or establish clear boundaries so that nobody winds up in that situation again. This is a chance to make your relationship stronger.
(Caveat: this is assuming he hadn’t questioned his actions pre-kiss. If he understood his actions were icky before doing them, that’s a different story.)
Maybe just stop the scamming people for drinks gag. Seems like a simple solutions, both of you stop doing it and boom the chances of anything happening are slim to none
>Him and his friends were having a competition to see who could pick up the most drinks from a girl. (sidebar – he doesn’t care if I scam guys for free drinks at the bar, even encourages it, so I have no problem with this).
What a charming couple you two are.