This is a tough one – for some context I (25M) have been with my girlfriend (26F) for nearly 6 years now. We own a house together, have a dog and are madly in love with each other – when we’re not together we text every day, and there’s always been 100% trust between us. We’ve lived together in varying situations for nearly 4 years now, and it’s been great, we’re definitely sure we want to be together forever, but there’s one aspect of our relationship that’s constantly bugged me. Probably 99% of the time, I’m the one initiating sex. This never used to bother me, but over time I think it’s started to wear down my self esteem quite a bit. I’ve ‘tested’ this in the past (without telling my gf), and without initiating we’ve gone 2 weeks without before I caved and initiated again. We don’t really talk about sex – it just seems to be this thing that’s shoved aside, and I feel so guilty for even wanting to have it sometimes. When we have sex it’s awesome – I’ve tried to spice things up with all kinds of stuff and have always been focused on getting her to have a good time. There just doesn’t seem to be any reciprocation, she doesn’t suggest anything spicy or take the initiative at all in our sex life. I’ve talked to her quite seriously about this a couple of times, while never assigning blame or making it one sided, and both times she’s been super understanding and said we’ll work on it, but nothings come of it and it’s the same as always. I absolutely want us to be together for life but I just don’t know what to do here. Any advice?
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It seems as tho you’ve already done what you should have, by talking to her about it. But it’s obvious, she isn’t taking the initiative to make changes herself. You two need to start there first. She’s gotta be willing to put in the effort, before any change will happen. Only thing I can suggest is have a much more in depth heart to heart conversation with her.
This is something I have struggled with in my relationship as well. My situation is improving but a great deal of care is needed when communicating with your partner. The issue is that this is a very loaded conversation to have -and if you aren’t careful you can move the needle backwards instead of forwards.
What helped me was actually a podcast – it’s called Foreplay and it is hosted by a sex therapist and a couples therapist and it is very good. They recently put out a couple of episodes about sexual and emotional cycles and I had several eureka moments while listening to it. I sent it to my partner and they did as well. Rather than try to regurgitate the information I would highly recommend listening to it.
Lopsided libido is tough. Keep communicating and realize that it’s possible it won’t change much for quite a while (though some studies suggest women tend to get a little hornier in their 30s and 40s). Also consider that birth control, stress, and anxiety (if you’ve been living in most places the last 2-6 years you’ll have some of that) can affect sex drive.
Sounds like she has responsive desire instead of spontaneous desire.
If you’re the kind of person who thinks about sex and gets aroused, that’s spontaneous desire. But someone with responsive desire doesn’t really get aroused until they get stimulated. Left alone, they will rarely initiate sex because it’s not on their radar. But if they start doing things like making out or petting, the engine will start up and they’ll get super into it.
I’ve been where you are, and understanding how my partner’s responsive desire works has made a huge difference in our love life. I don’t take her outward lack of initiative as an insult. It’s literally how her mind and body work, and we work through that.
I recommend you and her get the book “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski. It’ll change both of your perspectives.
Does she reject you frequently when you initiate? It sounds like she might have “responsive desire,” where people don’t feel the drive until they’re turned on/initiated with, and could generally take it or leave it otherwise. This doesn’t mean they don’t want it! Just that until they get turned on by something external, they aren’t that interested in sex.
It can tend to make the always-initiating partner feel less attractive, as you’ve experienced. Keep communicating with your partner about it. You could also try some websites to see if there are kinks you want to explore together – Mojoupgrade is one and there are others that have been talked about before.
I’ve been with my partner 20+ years and I’m essentially you in this situation. She’s never turned me down but practically all effort regarding our sex life is on me, anything new is always suggested by me. She isn’t really comfortable talking about it face to face so a few years ago I set up a WhatsApp group for just us that is only used to talk about sex. It’s helped us massively because I’m able to actually talk about our sex life and what she likes/dislikes and she is comfortable communicating through the app. It’s helped me realise that she does enjoy sex/still find me attractive all that stuff that goes through your head when your the initiator. She just finds it difficult because of her history.
Could maybe work for you to at least start talking about your sex life. Once we started to use the group our sex life has improved massively and she’s discovering things she didn’t even know she liked.
You may have such a libido mismatch that her desire to initiate never has to come into play. She can just wait for you. Or her sexuality may be more about reciprocating desire instead of taking initiative. Taking initiative does involve knowing what one wants and having a developed libido. Just being on the receiving end can make a person just keep pushing that back. Maybe she’s just kinda submissive and shy and doesn’t like to take the reins. Maybe it feels uncomfortable for her. Maybe she doesn’t get horny besides in response to someone else wanting her. Maybe you two need to focus on foreplay and extend that before PIV, and make her beg for it. Maybe that would make you feel wanted, making her so horny she can’t resist asking for sex. By then, does it really matter who started it? Wouldn’t you get that feeling of being wanted that way?
Have you ever heard of the idea of women withholding sex from their partner? Don’t know if this is the case with you, but it wouldn’t hurt to communicate how you feel about it. The reason you posted this is because you can feel something in your gut? am i right? that makes it legit. Communication is king, good luck with your relationship, you got this.
I feel like communication is key for any form of relationship, especially around sex. Have you shared your needs in this department?