Throwaway account, might be a long one
Background: Been with my girlfriend in a monogamous relationship for about 5 years (both are 22). Before i entered her life she had this dude in her apartment that flirted with her. I didn’t mind her talking to him even after we started dating.
Present : A couple of months ago my gf’s antideppressents were taking a toll on our sex life. Both of us are on meds although i have gotten better and my meds have decreased whereas hers have stayed the same. So my sex drive was on the rise. Before sex, both of us had very very high sex drives. So going back to normal, mine was surely increasing.
To mitigate that, we either had sex for a few mins before she lost the feeling or i took up work to distract myself. The other idea that was floating around was sex with other people or polyamory. Which considering her depression and anxiety was not a good idea.
That’s when this dude from the past started giving her some of his time (he’s in another country for now) when i couldn’t give her the attention she wanted. I was fine with it, i mean it’s just flirting right.
So this polyamory idea came up again, have other FWBs the benefits being sex and attention. She said she would think about it and we can see what to do later and to put it on hold.
That was 2 weeks ago. Today i asked her as a joke to show me her phone. For the first time in five years, she said no, hesitated and said she’s embarrassed of the flirting and doesn’t want me to see it. For 15 mins i tried to ask her, which increased my suspicion.
Well, the flirting was not flirting. It was full blown sexting. Kissing, biting, licking, taking top off, riding. I didn’t agree to this. Moreover i didn’t know we had started being a poly couple in the first place.
I told her she didnt ask my consent before all this started. All i was okay was flirting. Apparently this has always been the way they flirt. I told her this is cheating, clearly, there’s no other way around it.
I explain being poly means asking for each others consent or atleast letting the other know what they intend to do. That didn’t happen here. And for the first time in years I’m hurt. I don’t want to break up with her.
But how naive can someone be to not see the line between sexting and flirting? I’ve had the chance and didn’t neither thinking we were keeping the poly thing in hold. What the fuck do i do now? Sorry(s) are not helpful. They don’t fix jack. She says she doesn’t want poly anymore, fine. But what about that trust. If to her flirting is sexting then what’s next?
41 comments
The two of you need to discuss, in explicit detail, what each of you think “counts” as flirting and where you’ll draw that line in the future. A huge part of being non-monogamous is getting very clear about what the boundaries of the relationship are.
She also needs to apologize. I’d have a hard time forgiving someone if they refused to even acknowledge that what they did was wrong.
The fact that she didn’t want to show you her phone is a clear tell that she does in fact know the difference between sexting and flirting. I’m sorry your trust was taken advantage of.
That’s the problem with implying things. People rarely reach the same conclusion.
You need to sit down and speak clearly about what each of your boundaries are, what your expectations for and from the relationship are, what your sexual desires/wants/needs are and how you can compromise to meet them for eachother.
Never assume that you are on the same page with anyone if you haven’t clearly discussed that topic. Peoples perspective of the world varies wildly.
Here is the big problem: the solution for polyamory was because HER sex drive was low. But it appears it isn’t low for the other guy.
I hear this same story again and again. Don’t get played.
Actually, being poly doesn’t “mean” anything except that you are open to multiple loves. That is what the word means. There may be other forms of non monogamy that you are looking for or comfortable with but language matters. They all have different meanings but it is up to the partners to define EXACTLY what it means for you. I would suggest having a very specific conversation about what the rules and boundaries are in your relationship and come to an agreement. Anything outside of that agreement is cheating. But assuming that you both have the same definition of cheating, poly, or any other bucket term will definitely lead to confusion.
She knows what she’s done or she wouldn’t have gotten embarrassed and tried to hide it.
She’s either not aware of the context and wouldn’t think to worry OR she’s fully aware and lying about her intent.
These things are mutually exclusive
If she were simply naïve she wouldn’t have hesistated about showing you the flirting, I think. It seems like she knows she crossed a line.
I hate to say it but dump her. You deserve to be treated like a king. If she can’t do the decency of giving you at least that much, then it’s time you found someone who could. OP you are worth so much more than the actions which lead to this. I hope you are doing well.
Cut her off, she’s playing you. She will eventually cheat on you as time passes
Thing for me is. You said you guys were thinking poly because her sexdrive wasn’t there. Then she is sexting. So she has a sexdrive just not for you. Get out of there and don’t get yourself guilt trapped because of her condition.
dude you’re 22… live your life, screw this poly crap… probably she was banging that roommate also.. screw her
She’s made it clear she’s not interested in you anymore. She wants this new guy. I’d leave.
Oh dude, she isn’t naive … get out of that relation… poly by definition could have different approaches depending of the communication you have, but never ends good :/
Just flirting doesn’t exist, you are in or you are not that’s it.
Recovering the trust in your relation could be difficult, evaluate all the scenarios and take the best decision FOR YOU. Good luck
Leave mate. She cheated on you and she was aware of it.
I don’t get why people are ok with their partner flirting with other people tbh.
It’s plain ass cheating however you look at it
1) Do you truly love her?
If the answer is no or your not sure end it in a way thats not harsh but clear and final
2) If the answer is yes you have to set a time and place that is comfortable for Both of you with her understanding that it’s your intent to put everything out in the open to see if you can save your relationship
3) If she has any issues with that tell her your sorry but then the two of you are done
She broke your trust in her.
Trust and mutual respect are the most important foundations of a relationship .
She didn’t respect your boundaries.
She’s just shattered the foundations of your relationship.
She’ll do it again if you accept her excuses.
This is why, clear, concise rules and boundaries should be established because when you float the idea of other people out there, it honestly isn’t surprising when this happens, I’m sorry you’re hurting though
Been there, just leave mate. I know It is tough tho
So your girlfriend. Cheated on you. Leave her?
I just want to be sure I understand before I suggest anything – her sex drive decreased but she is sexting? Do I have that right?
You’re so young. Just leave. How pretty is she?
I feel like you didn’t have the correct conversation about consent and boundaries with polyamory. If she isn’t/ has never been polyamorous then how is she suppose to know the rules. Did you have a conversation about specifically what YOU mean by polyamory or did she have to google it?
Maybe showing you her private conversations was not within consent of her boyfriend? If the medication is effecting her libido maybe sexting is all she has.
I wouldn’t necessarily say your relationship is over, however you NEED to have a conversation about specifics NOW. You need to have a conversation about jealousy, you need to talk about boundaries, and you need to be honest with yourself about why you wanted a polyamorous relationship opposed to just an open relationship or a friend’s with benefits. If you and her just wanted to be able to flirt with others and have nothing physical that is not necessarily polyamory.
I would advise maybe posting this in a sub more specific to polyamory.
Edit: typos
If you have to hide it, you know it’s wrong. She didn’t want to show you because she knew she fucked up. I’m sorry, sweetie.
This is just cheating
You know what to do.
Next time, don’t allow any “flirting” that will always lead to something deeper.
Break up
Been there. Was her idea and it was all bullshit so she could have an affair with her coworker. Went as far as introducing us so she could spend time with him even while we were hanging out. All the while fucking him behind my back. I fucking knew it but she always had a plausible deniability. It’s my fault for agreeing to an open relationship but I was ok with that but this was over the line.
to be honest, just leave. she cheated on you mate, its clear as a day. if you let her get away, she will do it again and more and you’ll feel like an idiot
You know what you need to do and you don’t want to do it. You’re looking for other ways out but you know there aren’t any. Time to face reality and leave this person or experience even worse pain of being used. It will get so much worse.
There is no such thing as loyalty to a person, there is only loyalty to falling in love. There is a big difference (that is loyalty to ALL vs one)
You don’t “own” her. The only secure relationship is an open one
The naivety is that you think you can make your own rules about what love is, you cannot. Continue trying to do that will only burn you
you want to sleep with others and you GF writes dirrty messages to a guy .. Not sure your anger is justified..
Do you feel like you can ever trust this person again even if you forgive her? I know I wouldn’t, so if that’s your case, leave.
You are getting played. The moment the guy is available you will be dumped. Dump her now and move on.
Flirting and sexting are the same.
Who mentioned poly first if I may ask? because I have a feeling she did it **just to get in bed with this guy**!
Being poly does not mean asking each other for consent every time. It literally does not mean this and you are conflating rules and boundaries. If you are poly who she gets with isn’t your concern so long as safe sex is practiced and risk to you is mitigated.
A boundary is what happens to you. Nothing happened to you so it can’t be a boundary at all. Does she need to ask every time she has sex with someone? That’s your rule. It’s also incredibly invasive. Partner veto is a toxic rule in polyamory.
Was this rule ever explicated and agreed to? If it was it’s a pretty shitty rule that is of the kind that often gets broken and leads to a row. If it wasn’t your partner has done nothing wrong. Also why do you want to go through her phone anyway? Who are you to go through her messages to other partners?
Why are you practicing polyamory? To get laid yourself whilst controlling your partner? That’s really not polyamory. That’s just having your cake and eating it. If you want to be free to see others, so is your partner and asking permission to get laid from someone not involved in the sex shouldn’t be a thing and reading your partners messages certainly shouldn’t be a thing.
Seriously dude, it isn’t your partner who has fucked up here and you need to reflect hard on whether you want polyamory or monogamy. What you are doing at the moment is just a fucked up mishmash of both and it’s going to get you both really hurt.
End it man
Been here before op.
Simply put : you’re being cheated on 🙁
Boundaries have been defined, yet she clearly chose to ignore them. This isn’t ignorance at play here, her hesitation is proof that she knows that what she was doing was *wrong*.
But here’s the thing:
*she did it anyways*
Get out my dude. Find someone that shares your same values when it comes to relationships, someone that won’t lie or hide things from you. This isn’t just about flirting, it’s about respect and care for the person you “love”. Her behavior is not representative of her valuing or respecting you, it’s her doing whatever she wants to do regardless of your opinion.
A man can cheat go home and defend his partner with their life. When a woman cheats its because the relationship is already dead to her. If she’s down this after 5 years what did she do after 1 month, 6 months or 2 years into the relationship that you don’t know about.