I love my fiance. We have a happy and great, caring relationship. However, when she’s in her luteal phase of her period cycle, she becomes a different person. It’s like all of her great qualities and strengths as a partner evaporate — for roughly 7-10 days every month. She becomes cold, self-absorbed, unaffectionate, quickly annoyed, and defensive. We go from things feeling more or less perfect and being happy, to what feels like her losing interest in me entirely — effectively overnight.
This is when we also tend to have relationship problems. Normally, she isn’t the best at conflict and tends to get defensive/cold/shutdown when we talk about relationship issues. But it’s magnified 1000x when she’s in her luteal phase. Her mood gets dark and extremely cold over what could usually be a low-stakes relationship talk. There’s no empathy, or ability to work on the problem together — just pure defensiveness and passive hostility. It’s really quite scary.
Once her period starts it’s like spring has come — the sun is out and the flowers are blossoming. I’ve genuinely cried with happiness when she’s told me her period came.
This week has been tough. We got into an argument on Friday and she has been checked out since. She’s snapping at me, withholding affection, and generally being cold and distant. I’m trying \*hard\* to patch things up, but it’s like she has no interest or capacity to make an effort. It hurts. And I know things are going to be better in two or so days when her period comes, but this is torturous.
Has anyone else had a partner (or been the partner) with bad PMS? How do you manage it? It’s honestly hard to think that roughly 1/3 to 1/4 of every month for the rest of my life might be like this.
P.S. I want to make sure to add that issues during her luteal phase are not all on her. I don’t always handle things well and I have my own problems. It’s just that the luteal phase seems to completely eliminate her conflict management tool kit.
44 comments
Is she self-aware (afterwards) that she’s a complete asshole?
As a woman, i can’t see how her behavior would change so much on the pms phase. I think she is using this as an excuse to mistreat you.
I think she should be talking to her doctor about this, it sounds like it could be health issue.
I’m impressed a guy knows what the luteal phase is. Good for you OP.
Is she aware of these issues and how stark the difference is?
I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you, but this isn’t enjoyable for her either. How I’ve experienced mood swings/PMS, I’m always aware of the irrationality or over-reaction but in the moment it’s difficult to control.
I can’t see how this isn’t something she’d want to change for herself also. Has she spoken with a doctor? I’m sure there’s medication that may be able help her.
Then again, this is like no PMS I’ve experienced or seen in any other woman, which is more of a reason to get this checked medically (not that I’m a doctor or medical professional, it just sounds extreme).
The first thing that needs to be done in every situation is to look within. Are you SURE she is behaving as badly as you say she is? Or is there a possibility that you are over reacting and possibly a little bit insecure? Is there anything that you could adjust in this scenario?
Once you have established exactly how much of the problem is you VS HER…. Then a conversation is in order.
I think you need to have a more serious conversation with her about this. I know you said she kind of blows you off and doesn’t take it seriously. But this is a problem and she needs to be aware that it is a serious problem. You need to come with more concrete examples instead of just your feelings. What does she normally do that she doesn’t do when she PMS’s?
Example: she normally holds your hand 3x per day and when you lay in bed at night. When she PMS’s, she hasn’t held your hand for 7 days.
You have to give her tangible examples of what is different and how she can fix it.
While she can’t control her hormones, she can control her actions. She needs to be aware of how she is behaving and attempt to fix it if she wants this relationship to continue.
10 days a month is 1/3 of your life of this.
I would suggest not marrying till you can live happy more than 2/3 of a month
Some people use this as an excuse to be nasty because “I’m pmsing” which is is really shit thing to do even if you are. You don’t lose control of yourself and become a completely different person.. pmdd is a real condition however and if it’s this bad, maybe encourage her to get evaluated for this. I’ve had some pretty bad pms but I still am self aware enough to separate myself from it.
In the first paragraph you said that it’s like she loses interest in you entirely for a week each month, is your relationship mostly focussed on you and your needs the rest of the time then?
It sounds as if she has PMDD and should really be getting medical help.
Has she gone to the Dr to be checked out? She sounds like she could be having more than just PMS.
Listen, half of the people here get periods. Sometimes it’s bad, sometimes is bearable.
I have PCOS and I used to get so angry during my period (which I would have constantly). If her hormones are causing these moods those can be tested and she can start medication (I just take birth control, works great). I’m not saying she has PCOS at all, the symptoms don’t match at all if she Gad a regular period, I’m just saying periods do in fact impact your homornones and therefore your moods.
If it’s not hormones then she’s just a major dick and is using this as an excuse. All of us learn to deal with cramps and while physical pain can lower your tolerance, every single period with a period has to learn how to manage that and it’s their responsibility to do so.
I think what’s most concerning is that she “doesn’t realize” she’s doing it. Like, any rational person should be able to look back and see they were inappropriate and apologize.
I’m ngl the lack of any self awareness or recognition makes me think it’s less of a medical/hormonal problem and she’s just taking you to the cleaners.
At the very least I would tell her how she makes you feel and request she start taking steps to resolve this. (Therapy, hormonal tests, etc.) if she’s not willing to work on herself… well… nothing else to do
Listen, half of the people here get periods. Sometimes it’s bad, sometimes is bearable.
I have PCOS and I used to get so angry during my period (which I would have constantly). If her hormones are causing these moods those can be tested and she can start medication (I just take birth control, works great). I’m not saying she has PCOS at all, the symptoms don’t match at all if she has a regular period, I’m just saying periods do in fact impact your homornones and therefore your moods.
If it’s not hormones then she’s just a major dick and is using this as an excuse. All of us learn to deal with cramps and while physical pain can lower your tolerance, every single person with a period has to learn how to manage that and it’s their responsibility to do so.
I think what’s most concerning is that she “doesn’t realize” she’s doing it. Like, any rational person should be able to look back and see they were inappropriate and apologize.
I’m ngl the lack of any self awareness or recognition makes me think it’s less of a medical/hormonal problem and she’s just taking you to the cleaners.
At the very least I would tell her how she makes you feel and request she start taking steps to resolve this. (Therapy, hormonal tests, etc.) if she’s not willing to work on herself… well… nothing else to do
Tell her you will happily accept that the moods swings will happen, and you’ll try not to take it personally, but you need her to also understand that it’s still not acceptable behavior and it is taking a toll on the relationship.
r/PMDD
Having PMS doesn’t give you the right to be emotionally abusive!!!! Tell her to talk to a doctor or leave her. This isn’t okay at all
Wild yam. Take it morning and night when it hits. It will help settle her moods! Seriously, the stuff is amazing. I order mine via amazon, but walmart might carry it.
I would guess your gf is on bcp…the hormone drop makes pms worse.
I also take vitex every day, which helps the body produce more progesterone…which balances out the estrogen dominance. And helps smooth out the week before a period, as well.
I have PMDD, and this is my experience. It has to do with neurochemicals freaking tf out. It’s literally hell, and my entire life revolves around it (and the adenomyesis pains that accompany it).
It’s not PMS.. It’s PMDD… she needs to see a doctor ASAP!!! Meds and therapy can help…
It might be worth her going to a doctor/psychologist for this. It sounds like pre-menstraul psychosis.
Hmmm all you mentioned in this entire post is how her suffering is affecting YOU. I think that speaks volumes about where the actual problem lies.
Is she on birth control? This was happening to me while i was taking the pill, i tried different varieties and eventually had to switch to something nonhormonal before getting it under control
Is she on any hormonal BC? I find any kind of it makes me feel like I’m losing my mind, I felt constantly on edge and when I was premenstrual I felt a hairs breadth away from physical aggression, I ditched it so fast!
Something I dont see being said here even though it honestly should.
PMS/PMDD/Any other condition that can cause mood swings as severe as this aside, you need to be direct and maybe even a little confrontational about this. And when I say a little I don’t even meen aggressive. Assertive without letting the point slip away with excuses and platitudes.
Tell her about this clearly and talk to her about the issues that you have with the person she is *almost a 3rd of the time.* Make sure that your problems are communicated in a way that she can’t avoid. If you do this and she recognizes that there is a problem then be supportive and help her through the process of change that will happen as she betters herself, while making sure you better your own person as well.
If she doesn’t recognize what you’re saying as an actual problem, then for your own mental health you should be ready to leave the relationship. People are allowed to be the victims of conditions, obviously, but they aren’t allowed to treat people like shit when they’re fully aware of them and the problems that they’re symptoms cause. It doesn’t matter if its because of an issue regarding her menstrual cycle, just like it wouldn’t be any different of a situation where she was bi-polar or suffering from any other disease that would cause severe mood swings like this
‘Withholding affection?’ Just sounds like you need to give her space at this time, to be honest. Lots of space. Not a time to go over relationship problems. Just…. space.
She should talk to a doctor about it.
It sounds like Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Some women suffer from this. They can take medication to reduce the symptoms.
[here’s more about it](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK279045/table/premenstrual-syndrom.table1diag/)
PMDD
Please have her get evaluated for it.
is she on birth control? sometimes certain birth controls can cause mood changes. she should definitely talk to her doctor.
I have a day about two days before my period where I am the saddest motherfucker in the world. I cry inconsolably for about 3 hours while my hormones drop and then voila! I’m fixed.
I am more than aware that I am a hormonal mess during these time and I have told my partners over the years that this occurs and i call myself out while it’s happening.
My worry is that your gf isn’t taking responsibility for how she is treating you.
Like everyone else says, she needs to talk to a doctor. She also needs to make room for you to say: Hey it’s that time in your cycle. Please be nicer to me.
This isn’t pms, your partner is just an asshole.
Not a single man in these comments can say anything about how we feel during our periods. It cannot even be described in a general way, as every one of us has it different. It wreaks havoc on our body and emotions. You need to accept this part of her, and she needs to be prepared and warn you when the time is near, so certain things can be avoided to stop a potential “irritation” that could lead to a arguement.
I have it and it made my life, and my loved ones lives a literal hell for the whole week leading up to my period I become a rage monster. I went to my doctor and she said she could put me on birth control, which I didn’t want to do for a variety of reasons, and I was gobsmacked that that was the only solution she had for me. Then I found acupuncture. I shit you not she cured me in 6 sessions. Your girlfriend can’t control this, at least not without help. Try to work together to realize when it’s happening, and what her triggers are so that she can come up with some coping mechanisms, but really look into acupuncture. Specifically look for one that is particularly interested in female health. Good luck!
This is PMDD. I have it. She needs to see her doctor. Life will improve, be there for her and research ways to support a partner with this.
Sounds like PMDD
OK, so I get mood swings, but not like that. It’s does sound like PMDD. Firstly, you need to sit down and have an actual conversation about it. Don’t be accusatory, that won’t help. This doesn’t seem like something she’s terribly aware of and to be honest if it is something like PMDD (almost certainly is) it’s not necessarily her fault either. You seem to understand that as well. Once you’ve spoken to her about it and she understands where you’re coming from, suggest a doctors appointment so that you guys can see what’s really going on and if there’s anything that can be done, because this isn’t good or healthy for either of you.
It could be a hormonal problem and can be fixed at the doctor.
I was more or less like this “before” I got kids. I mellowed completely when I hot pregnant. After nr 2, I stopped taking the pill and my hubby got a vasectomy, that made my moodswings even better. Yes, that’s actually a sideeffect. Later I learned mindfulness and that made it even better. Then I quit my job and is no longer stressed and my hubby can only see slight changes in my mood when shark week is near.
But definitely go to the doctor.
Sounds like PMDD. I have it. Initially hormonal birth control helped. After I had my last baby birth control made me crazy. I would talk to her about it but not during those 7-10 days. Her obgyn can help as can her regular doctor. It’s a very real thing and so disruptive. Also for me just knowing helps. Often if I’m unreasonably passed about something that wouldn’t cause a problem, just knowing where I am in my cycle will often help me contain that because I realize my emotions are heightened and if it’s really upsetting I will still be upset about it in a few days when I’m not pms’ing.
Huh… but what are those problems? Are you sure that she isn’t just burying her feelings the rest of the month because she’s been conditioned to do that? You shouldn’t be causing constant problems in the relationship that she needs to constantly brace herself over and overcome. I also become less tolerant of my bf when I’m tired or such, and that’s because there are serious unresolved issues between us that he tends to and encourages me to overlook, but it’s harder to ignore when there are outside stressors. He thinks these things bother me BECAUSE I’m tired, but it’s the other way around, they always bother me, but he doesn’t take them seriously and wants to blame it on an outside source. It could go either way I guess… you just seem to purposefully be excluding why she’s upset and vaguely hint that you’re directly hurting her but that you think she should be able to get over it.
Have you checked out r/pmdd?
My ex was this way plus severe cramps
Then she went on the pill, and it fixed both and saved my life
Smoking weed has pretty much gotten rid of mine. Worth a shot.
1) just have that awkward, tough talk with her when she’s on an upswing. Explain kindly but clearly you’re not going to accept being treated like that ever again, and she needs to see a doctor immediately and makes moves to address things, or you’re out
2) If she reacts well and promises to see a doctor ASAP, great! communication works. If she downplays, diminishes, denies, or otherwise does anything but enthusiastically embrace change, you gotta walk.
Whatever you do, don’t even think of marrying her before she does something about this.
my partner is like this sometimes. it usually lasts 3-4 days, not 7. her darkness is overwhelming. she has suicidal thoughts. she looks at me as if she’s never seen me in her life. she says absolutely heartbreaking and horrible things to me that contradict everything she said the 3 weeks previous. one day, she’s talking about our future life together and how she can’t stop staring at me or kissing me. i’m in heaven. the next day, it’s as if my presence makes her ill, she is completely incapable of carrying on any kind of romantic or emotional conversation, her paranoia is out of control, and she looks for any opportunity to drastically twist my words into meaning something they clearly don’t.
advice: i’m not a doctor, i’ve never heard of PMDD. something to look into, it seems like. you sound a lot like me, though: this person can be extremely difficult to handle, and even very painful for you, but you love her, and you’ve made the decision a long time ago that she’s worth it. at least, that’s what i’ve done. so my only advice is to keep on practicing that patience. being kind is more important than being right. know that there should be one person in our lifetimes who is more important than the universe itself and for whom we would give everything. i believe so strongly it’s wired in our DNA to feel this way about the person our bodies and souls have chosen as the ultimate mate. it’s easy to call love insane but it’s also fate. don’t let her mood get you down and don’t EVER retaliate. she’ll recognize you for your saintliness when she comes around. she always does. and if you get a shadow of what i get when i look in my love’s eyes, you know she’s worth it. in fact, you know you’d walk across fiery hellscapes a thousand times more foreboding than her unbearable moods, if it means you get to kiss her forehead at the end of the line.
This is me every month! I seriously try to make a conscious effort not to be a bit.h!! And I try really hard to bite my tongue!! But usually it doesn’t make a difference! I am still a crazy person, but the minute my period starts it’s like my craziness is gone. And yes I am on medication but I guarantee it really doesn’t make a difference. That’s how it’s been for the last 10 years . I always try to give warning but for some reason he tends to ignore all the warning signs. I will try my best to just stay away from everyone for about 5 days. If anything I would say get a period tracker on your phone and maybe follow her cycle and maybe don’t speak as much with her and know that eventually she will come back to you! But give her space. That’s all I really want from my husband.
My sister was like that. Just horrible! I’m sure you have, but just in case, have you spoken to her about it?
Maybe she needs to speak to her doctor. If she is on birth control, maybe she needs a different formulation.
Don’t give up, it TRULY gets better. The older my sister got, the less severe her PMS was.