I’ve recently come to the realization that I am an extremely judgmental person and will always find something to complain about. I truly don’t know if I’ve always been this way or if it’s a recent development and I’m not sure how to change it.
I’ll start off by saying I’ve never had many friends. It’s always been a small circle of people. Now that I’m in my early thirties, my friend group is maybe 2 or 3. I’ve met most of my friends and my significant other through work, so they know all the same things and same people as I do.
I find myself complaining about the people around me on a daily basis.
Whether it’s leaving work on the drive home or even say it’s time for a break…I’ll take a walk with my boyfriend and I’ll rant about anything annoying that I’ve been dealing with at work or complaining when someone isn’t doing their job, or whatever else…and he’ll respond with “geez, you’re on one today” and I’ll assume I complained too much and shut up for a period of time.
I’m REALLY observant and judgmental and I’m one of those people who picks up mental notes about everyone I’m around on a consistent basis. Sometimes, I’ll make a snotty comment about someone or something someone did and I’ll be treated like I’m the asshole for saying something, but the same person who made me feel that way will say something equally as rude or offensive about something or someone else and expect me to agree with them.
So how/where do I find a balance? I don’t want to be an overly friendly naive doormat, but I’m also not wanting to be the cynical asshole that nobody wants to be around
2 comments
That’s a lot more self-awareness than most Judgy Complainers ever have. Most people who exhibit a lot of that are just indulging in a really bad habit. It feels good in the moment to complain about things/people, and you can even congratulate yourself on your expert analysis of human behavior, but at the end of the day it doesn’t really gain you anything tangible. Instead, it tends to push people away.
So, the thing to do is to notice what you’re doing and fight against it. Being aware of your tendency is the first step. The second is to change what’s going on in your MIND. Because if you just try to shut this down at “mouth level” i.e. bottle up what you normally say, then the narrative is still playing along in your head and it will still affect your attitude. And probably inevitably leak out anyway.
Yeah, it’s harder to change what’s going on in your head. But, that’s what you have to practice doing. So, use your negative/critical/judgy thoughts as a TRIGGER to replace them with something positive. Every time you’re tempted toward “judgy comment” or “critical thought,” replace that with something more helpful. Either toward the person/thing you’re tempted to criticize, or maybe just your own life affirmation.
That way instead of these intrusive thoughts being bothersome, you can actually turn them around into something positive for yourself.
Congrats on catching this when you did! Best of luck in Creating A New You.
First, it’s good that you recognize it. Most people either don’t recognize it or aren’t willing to admit that their behavior is alienating others. In your case I would just keep your complaints to yourself. There’s no legitimate need to tell everyone around you all the negative judgments in your head. If you continue to do so, I think you’ll find that the remaining 2-3 people will dwindle down to zero. People just don’t want to be around that.