how to stop my family from feeling entitled to come to my city and stay days at my apartment I share?

39 comments

1. You stop them from staying at your apartment by not letting them in.

   I’m serious. You’re going to have to unfortunately go nuclear and ask what hotel they’re going to be at, and that you can meet them for dinner @ (time). And that’s it. Do not bring them to your place, do not let them in.

2. You say no. You act like the answer is no. You live and execute no. You don’t argue, justify or reason. You just do no.

3. Unfortunately, you have to stop expressing your frustration and start laying down the law. “Family, you know I love you, but starting now, you will have to stay at a hotel if you visit. My place is too small and visitors are too disruptive to my roommate and to me. In addition, I will need at least [time frame] advance notice as I have to completely rearrange my schedule for visitors.”

   When they tell you that you don’t need to rearrange your schedule, the response is “Which is why I’m telling you I’m not going to any longer.”

   And a final thing you: “This is not up for discussion. I’m letting you know, not asking permission.”

4. Say no.

   Tell everyone up front that you’re not running a hotel or air bnb and it’s disrespectful to your roommate for you to be having overnight guests. Hell, check your lease. Anywhere I’ve rented, there’s like a 3 day limit for overnight guests.

   You need to seriously grow a spine and speak up and say no.

   If I was your roommate, I’d be absolutely livid.

5. You likely can’t stop your family from feeling entitled to stay with you, but you can stop them from doing so by being firm and telling them no.

   Stop “expressing your frustration” as if they were only mildly in inconveniencing you and tell them in no uncertain words that you don’t want them to drop by unexpectedly and that any future visits will need to be mutually arranged in advance.

   It doesn’t matter if your family responds by telling you that this is terrible. Maybe it is terrible for them because they can no longer treat your apartment as a hotel, but you’re your own person. You’re an adult woman with your own life, your own responsibilities, your own plans and–by the way–a roommate whose needs also need to be taken into consideration.

6. You’re 24. It’s time to grow up and be an independent adult who has a healthy separation from your family. This is a good starting place. Tell them the truth: Their visits violate the lease and your roommate’s right to quiet enjoyment. They need to respect your space and your roommate, and book accommodations going forward.

   This kinda thing feels extremely obvious to anyone whose family has healthy boundaries. If you’re truly struggling to stick up for yourself as much as this post suggests, it’s probably time to see if you can find a therapist. Therapy isn’t only for people in distress. It’s also the best place to practice having healthier boundaries with people it’s hard to say no to. Think of them like a coach.

7. Tell them you love having them around but it’s an inconvenience to your roommate. That they should still come, but book a hotel instead. They’ll come less often and eventually stop coming.

8. Dude. Just tell them NO. Seriously, why didn’t you question your Mom? You’re not a hotel. I went through this with my family and you just have to tell them, outright, that they can come only when a) you invite them or b) when they ask way in advance and you say yes.

   You’re doing this to yourself, dude. You have the keys. Just don’t let them in. Also, you need to apologize to your roommate. If my roommate let their family just show up and stay at our place, I would be *pissed*!

9. Be firm and they need to make hotel arrangements. As you will not be having them

10. It’s uncomfortable to set boundaries, and more uncomfortable to enforce them, BUT it is the MOST uncomfortable to not have any boundaries.

    You are going to need to not pick them up, not answer the door, not let them in, etc. It will be uncomfortable. You will probably only need to do it once.

    You already know the kind of response you’re going to get, because you’ve had a taste of it already: They’re going to whine about family and guilt-trip you. This is a good thing, because you can prepare in advance how you will respond. I suggest something along the lines of:

    “Family is supposed to be considerate and respectful. Assuming that you’re entitled to just show up at my house and stay indefinitely is inconsiderate and disrespectful behaviour, and not something family should do.”

    or,

    “Yes, we are family. So I expect that, as family, I can tell you the truth. The truth is that you are acting in an unreasonable and entitled way. You need to know this so you can fix it.”

11. Don’t let them in. Change locks if they have a key.
    No means no in every situation. Family is not entitled to your space.

12. I’m not sure why you can’t just say no?

13. You gotta put your foot down and say no. This isn’t fair to you and it certainly isn’t fair to your roommate, who could probably report all these long staying guests to your landlord if they get fed up with it. Have a talk with your family before someone tries to come over again and say you can’t risk your own living situation for guests anymore and will absolutely not be hosting anymore. And anyone who shows up uninvited is getting turned away. And follow through with it!!!

14. Doormat

15. Why are you letting them in? Just…don’t?

16. I’m sorry but you are going to have to pull on your big girl panties and have a conversation with them.

    I’m sorry, but it’s not fair to my roommate to have guests staying at our home regularly. I can give you a list of motels in the area if you would like.

    Then stand your ground. It’s not fair to have people in your home that you share, using utilities and taking bathroom time. I’d be pissed.

17. Are they helping to pay your rent?
    If no, then tell them no straight up.

18. Quit opening your door

19. You say no and don’t let them in then stand your ground when they throw a temper tantrum. You will always recieve the behavior you tolerate.

20. No is a complete sentence. They need to understand your life does not revolve around them. If your family wants to stay in your apartment, then they need to ask permission, schedule a time that works for you and your roommate, and back off off if you tell them to stop.

21. The only way to enforce boundaries is to ENFORCE the boundaries.

    Seriously, you cannot talk to them about it, clearly. If they show up unannounced or some shit, just don’t open the door or let them in. Tell your roommate. They need to grow up and respect your boundaries, they clearly feel entitled to trample all over you.

22. You need to tell your mom, no I can not pick you up at the airport and when she says I’ll get a Uber to your place I’d say why I have to work? When she says she’s staying I’d say no you are not. You didn’t ask my roommate and myself can’t keep rearranging our lives for my family. I am sorry I love you all but I can not keep doing this. You need to find a hotel. If you want to come visit when I’m not at work great but you can’t stay here. Its too much, for this apartment. I’m sorry.

23. Send another long messages to all of them explaining to them about your situation and firmly tell them you will not open the door for them anymore; you refused to be taken advantage of and family should respect each other. If you know they are coming that day, go stay at your friends’ place for the night. Don’t tell them and don’t pick up their phones. Don’t allow anyone to disrespect your home.

24. You live there, it’s not like a holiday house, you *live* there with another person! Maybe you need to find local air bnbs and email everyone – “if you’re planning on visiting the city here are some lovely local b&bs…”

25. The only way this is even remotely appropriate is if they’re paying the rent. Even then, with a roommate that is a no go.

26. Don’t clean and don’t prepare. They get what they get.

27. “Sorry – roomie’s friends are visiting for 3 weeks so you’ll need to get a hotel.”

28. You say no and don’t answer the door.

29. Info: Do they actually understand you live with a room mate and not a significant other?

    If yes, then maybe try telling them they need to ask him for permission next time, not you.

30. It’s disrespectful of anyone to make assumptions. No means no. And they ain’t getting in without a key. The audacity!

31. “Aww shame you didn’t tell me you were coming in advance! It won’t be possible for you to stay with me but I might be able to make time to see you Saturday for coffee at <cafe>. I still need to confirm.”

32. You have to set boundaries. You need to let them know that whilst you love them, they can’t just show up. You have things to organise and a flatmate to consider.
    Tell your mum she can’t come stay with you and send a list of nearby places.

33. “Roommate has covid. (Herpes? Strep throat? Pink eye?) now isn’t a good time. In the future, please call first.”

34. Only way they’re going to learn (if they’re even capable of doing that) at this point is by refusing to let them in, and making them figure out their own accommodations. They’ll keep walking all over you (and your roomie) if you don’t.

35. Read about boundaries. You are going to have a hard time enforcing them with your family I’m afraid

36. Actually you don’t need to prepare and clean your house. You don’t have to answer the door before 4pm either.

    “I am working nights, will see you afte 4pm, don’t come before as I won’t hear you”. Phone off after that.

    Practice saying no in the mirror. ” no that doesn’t work for me”

37. Idk if your family is the same, but I can’t play nice or beat around the bush with mine. I have to be straight up and just tell them no

38. NO

39. Sorry, your apartment, your rules.

    Your family is not “entitled” to anything.

    Furthermore, they should reimburse you for the space and food they used since they have the gall to arrive uninvited.

    Send them an itemized bill.

    That would stop them from coming!