I’ve been part of a close group of friends for 10+ years and we do pretty much everything together – holidays, festivals, everything as a group.
I’ve always felt like the replaceable friend, as though if I put a foot wrong, I’m out. I know part of this is driven by my own issues and self worth, but I am also very much the person who’s ideas get ignored, trying to get into the conversation and usually tagging on behind.
I recently went to a festival with this group, and brought along a close friend of mine who I’ve known for 5 years. They’ve never previously met each other. I thought it would be nice to have a friend have my back a bit more, but instead the group loved her! She immediately ended up in the centre of everything, and I was once again tailing on behind.
What’s really got me though is that my ‘new’ friend and the group have started hanging out. They all live in the same city (I’m an hour away) and they are constantly posting plans and photos in the group chat of them altogether. I’m not getting invited – it’s often last minute ‘we’re at x bar come and join us’ and I live too far away to do that. So instead I’m just watching it all unfold online 🙁
Obviously I wanted them to get on, but they are treating her so much better then they do me and I can’t help but feel like I’m being replaced and that I’ve basically managed to push myself out. I’m really regretting ever introducing them.
I’ve known both parties for so long, individually and separately, and now it feels like I’m the spare part playing catch up. Seeing someone else fit in better then I ever could makes me feel sick to my stomach to be honest.
I’m trying really hard not to sound put out by it, because I know it just annoys people and looks desperate but I’m so crushed by it. I just don’t know how to handle it in a way that will help everyone understand how anxious and upset this is making me, and to consider actually making an effort with me more.
Please help!
1 comment
The more anxious you are about other people and the more you care so much about other people in terms of receiving their attention, time, reassurance, approval, validation either online/offline, the more needy and desperate you will become for them and the less likely people will reciprocate and associate with you. People notice the way you act and carry yourself around them. They can sense your anxious vibes. They know when you are overly attached to them and heavily dependent upon them for online/offline attention. Your actions tend to show it. The tell tale signs are you texting/calling them way more than they are to you, and you being anxious, emotionally reacting, and confronting them when they don’t give you attention, time, reassurance, approval, validation either online/offline for whatever reason. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident, brings positive vibes in conversations, and is well rounded enough in life to not depend on others.
Leave them alone for now. You need to become genuinely busy in your life focusing on your hobbies and goals, while interacting with other people on the side in real life. Find something you enjoy doing in life and keep doing that overtime. You will build much needed self esteem and self confidence. Chase excellence, not people.