I’m nearing 30 F and I am looking for a serious relationship that will eventually lead to marriage and starting a family.
I got in a huge fight with my mom today because she thinks I should just go on a date so I have someone to hangout with and not worry about the future.
Is it okay I have these intentions and when should I make sure I’m on the same page as a date?
Obviously if someone wanted casual I would not continue dating them.
23 comments
first or second date. i wouldnt date women if they want children so why waste time on further dates. it shouldnt be the focus of the entire night but future plans should be kinda hinted
I don’t think you should settle for someone that doesn’t have the same goals as you just to avoid being alone.
It’s important to discuss your intentions but it’s also important not to put too much pressure on yourself.
Relationships take time to grow, if you’re cutting people out because they don’t want to immediately have kids and get married you could potentially be missing out on someone great.
Try to find balance between going with the flow and making sure your needs are being met.
I have this rule that I always tell a girl what exactly I’m looking for on a first date cos I don’t see the point in continuing if we aren’t compatible. I lay down everything at the start so it’s clear and there’s no need to guess. I tell her I don’t want kids, don’t want marriage, but do want a genuine, long-term relationship if and when it feels right. It’s completely okay to have specific intentions and not want to date someone with different ones.
I usually discuss this very early on. I’ve been on dating apps so I bring it up while we’re still chatting on the app. I was NOT looking for a serious relationship and I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time who was, or risk hurting them. So I always made my intentions clear.
Somehow I ended up in a serious relationship anyway with a FWB when we both got feelings lol
You’re on the right track. I literally said to my now husband what you’re saying here. “I want something serious, marriage one day blah blah”. He still asked me for sex that first night (casual approach). I said No. We’ve been together now 6 yrs married for 4. I used to do what your mom is doing by suggesting hanging out, but your time is valuable and in my personal experience the first time I made my intentions known off the bat was also the last time 🥰
Don’t settle for someone just to not be alone. I think a lot of people do that and end up unhappy. Sometimes I think I did that in my own marriage.
State your intentions at first date or even prior and see how people who don’t align with it run for the hills. I am 32F. I do that all the time and hoping someone along similar lines come through.
I have the same intentions at this point too. And I state them clearly and directly I’m the beginning. I tell women straight up we are not gonna sleep together for a while, and that I 100% want kids. I’m in my 30s. I know this. If someone is still on the fence or doesn’t know yet that’s fine. Move on with your bad self. I have no time to entertain indecisive women and fence sitters. It honestly repels a lot of people. Which I’m fine with. I ended up matching with a really solid girl who came right out and said “I love that you know what you want and are direct and open about it”. My match number went down but my match quality shot up exponentially.
Intentions should be clear before the first date. You should both be there for the same reason, otherwise you’re wasting the other person’s time.
Honestly I would have that conversation before a first date. I’m divorced and have a daughter and I’m not interested in getting married again or having any more kids and I share this info at the messaging stage. Plenty of guys my age (30F) haven’t been married yet or had their kids yet so I wouldn’t want them to waste their time with me.
I told a guy on the first date what I was looking for, and I did it for all the “right” reasons.
He used it to be the “right” guy and we had a lovely year together until he revealed he actually didn’t want the same things.
When I pointed out I had been honest with him, he straight up told me that he had used my answer to give him the ability to be the guy I wanted, not the guy he truly was.
I don’t hold it against him, he didn’t waste my time, he wasted his.
If you’re wanting something serious, it’s up to said individual to make that clear because the person you’re on a date with aren’t obligated to disclose unless asked.
For me, it was just common courtesy to let someone know upfront. If a woman was just a piece of tail to me, I’d bluntly let her know.
Just know, if you’re looking for something serious, your delivery matters! Most guys will assume a 30f is looking to be more serious compared to a 20f. However if you’re going in guns blazing with “I’m looking for something serious” bluntly, a lot of guys will take that as a red flag, especially if you’re attractive.
Just be up front you’re looking for a serious long term relationship. My boyfriend was extremely explicit before we met that he didn’t want more kids ( I had put maybe on my profile and was perfectly willing to go either way depending on my partner) and that he was looking for a relationship that was fulfilling mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. So it was clear to me up front we were on the same page. I didn’t remotely tell him the keys to my heart but as we got to know each other, things deepened naturally between us, and we’re discussing living together and getting married at some point in the future.
I’m 30F too. It’s good to know what you’re looking for. But you don’t have to and shouldn’t reveal that info right off the bat. Not a great way to start off the beginning stages with something too deep, might scare someone away. If someone asks what you’re looking for then you can say you’d like a relationship and if the convo gets deeper then you can mention you’d like to have marriage and kids one day with the “right person”, but I wouldn’t say this on a first date, unless maybe they ask. Keep it casual. A first date is like an interview and a second date is like an introduction.
Dating is about seeing who you enjoy being around and can see a possible future with, but you don’t know a future exists until you get to know someone. That’s where your mom is correct to just have fun and keep things casual. This is how you get to know someone when there isn’t pressure. Yes you can still go on dates, but don’t put them high in the totem pole above yourself. An older friend of mine told me greta advice to “Put yourself first in dating, and in your life, and never put up with any BS”. If a guy pressures your or makes you uncomfortable then you can depart early from a date. Don’t make someone new a high priority while you’re still getting to know them; don’t give them all your mental energy, attention or time. Keep seeing other guys. The more you date the better you will be able to pick up on a persons personal traits, their vibe, your connection with them. Plus, You do not have to sleep (sex) with anyone you don’t feel comfortable doing that with and can set your own boundaries.
I would let the date know what your intentions are. If he agrees, give him a chance and find out if he’s a right fit for you.
There’s nothing wrong with having goals, dreams, “fantasies“, etc.… Just don’t become so “destination-based“ that you fix ate so much on where you are trying to get that you:
A. Fail to enjoy the process! Life is a journey, not a destination. Those steps leading to where you eventually want to get… Those are called LIFE!
B. When you are destination based instead of journey based, are you are likely view people based on how they fit into the “predetermined box in your head“. Instead of finding somebody that checks all the boxes you are looking for, you might need somebody that totally changes your world! Instead of checking boxes you might be looking to get out an imaginary eraser, because you’re idea of a “happy life“ might change completely. None of us are the same people we were five years ago, 10 years ago, or more! Be open to the fact that you are going to grow, evolve, and change over time. See people for who they are, what they can add to your life, and be open minded enough to realize that none of us have all the answers.
Today is my 46th birthday. I think about my goals, my priorities, and my world views from when I was 36 years old and I’m blown away at how different all of them are. I can’t even wrap my brain around my 26 year old self lol. I thought I had all the answers I knew exactly what I wanted out of life. I think my first stop when my time machine is up and running, will be to go back and slap that 26 year old. I would try to talk some sense into them he already knew everything so he wouldn’t listen🤦🏼♂️. After eight years of marriage, having a kid, getting divorced, and realizing how little I actually knew about both myself in the world, I’m at the love of my life three years ago and I am finally, truly, “fulfilled“. If somebody would have described this relationship to even the 36-year-old knee, I wouldn’t have believed that such a thing was possible. As you grow wiser, you realize how much less you actually know than you thought you did. Sorry for the long response but this is a very important topic for me. You don’t marry a dream or a fantasy. You partner up with a person, for who THEY are, not who you want them to be. Your core values will always be your core values. I want somebody HONEST, kind, sincere, thoughtful, considerate, etc.…. But as far as specifics are concerned? How old they are, what they look like, what kind of career they have, how many kids they want , etc.… Just keep an open mind🤷🏼♂️
What you’re describing falls outside the realm on intentions. You’re lightly treading into expectations, and it shows because of how you describe the conversation with your mother.
Casually dating someone is NOT antithetical to a serious relationship. Rather, it is the oft-disappointing first step of BUILDING ONE together. And, 9 times out of 10, you realize that you don’t want to build it with them.
Still, maybe 5 times out of 10 you wind up in something good-for-what-it-is, and you tear it down anyway because of the obligation to “have it all”… when sometimes all you really had to do is hang in there, or just bask in the glow of the great sex or deep friendship or calming influence or whatever so that someone ELSE takes notice.
There are tools are resources to help you define your intentions… and my advice is to come up with VERY clear ones, that can be explained VERY simply, with almost no chance of miscommunication.
Maybe a great intention going into a new dating situation would be to commit to being fully honest about where you can see the relationship going – thus giving potential partners a chance to chime in about how well that fits them, or if perhaps they’re holding something back that might change your mind about the possibilities. It doesn’t need to be “radical honesty” or anything, but just a commitment to be fully true to yourself and your SPECIFIC wants, along with the grace to understand that those can even change in time – and you don’t need to commit to relationship types you’ve outgrown.
For example: maybe you meet someone dead set on starting a family, and dead set against marriage. They are in all other ways your “ideal catch”. Can you clearly envision how much of an intractable problem that would be, or whether that’s a point of negotiation you’d be open to exploring with someone who otherwise wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you?
What about someone looking to get married, also otherwise perfect, but they can’t have kids of their own. Have you considered adoption in such a scenario? Maybe they have a twin who is capable of having kids, who has terminal cancer. Would a “Hollywood Movie” scenario be absurd to you, or can you see just a sliver of maybe in there if you squint?
Maybe I’m going off the rails a bit, but overall I’d just caution you when thinking about “marriage and family” as an *intention*… Because in dating what you HAVE TO HAVE to be successful is clear intentions- but these are almost always going to be things FULLY within your control to make happen, and even dictating “longterm” falls well outside of that.
TLDR: you and your mom are both right – you’ve got the theory, and she’s got the execution. Weld those two things together, and you’ll be right as rain!
Yes keep your intentions. Casual is not worth the head ache.
24/7. Always be honest with yourself and honest. No need to rush with everything all at once, not everything is pertinent immediately. However if somethings important to you, voice it.
As a 20M who just wants a relationship and see where that relationship goes I always try to make that clear pretty early on. I haven’t dated anyone seriously. I’ve had one long distance situationship that lasted 3 months and around the 1 month mark I made it pretty clear I wanted to work toward a straight up committed relationship. About 2 or 3 weeks later she asked me if I wanted kids (generally speaking, not with her). We had similar ideals and you’d think it would’ve worked out. Anyway I got sidetracked.
Tl:Dr I like to make it pretty clear exactly what my long term goals are pretty early on. Sometimes a month, sometimes 2 weeks.
PS. I would also probably make it clear what I’m looking for before sleeping with someone. I personally haven’t slept with anyone yet, but when I do it’s going to be with someone who wants a committed relationship.
In your situation I feel that it’s best to find out, and make clear, what both of you are looking for a son as possible.
I’m a fan of the feel it out approach. If you come on too strong, you scare off people that could be good partners. I used to worry too much about ” how are we in the relationship”, and “where is this relationship going”. Then I never actually had fun in the relationship because I was exhausted from worring about the status of the relationship and constantly having heavy conversations about it. Maybe try finding someone that makes you happy and then set a time / date numeber for talking about the heavy stuff. Like 5 or 6 dates in or a month into the relationship. Then reevaluate where you are once a month or so. This makes it so you aren’t being strung along and you get to enjoy the time you spend with your partner. This is just my general advice that works best for me. Feel free to develop your own system.
Right off the bat.