Full disclosure:
1. I’ll try to be neutral. She says sometimes I can be “rude” in the way I say things I always apologized when she pointed it out. **My family and I always have been VERY supportive with her.**
2. **She started therapy with different psicologysts/psychiatrists, some of them told her she has dysthymia (a type of depression) and gave her a treatment (not sure if a proper one)**. But she is now with, what I think, is the worst psychologist in the city, because she is not helping her whatsoever and she’s convincing her of stupid things. She is around her age, so maybe my sister sees her as a “friend” which I think it’s a mistake.
My sister always had **low self esteem** and she struggled a litte bit when socialazing sometimes.
We used to be very close and we had a nice relationship, but in the past 5 months or so, she started therapy with this new psychologist who convinced her we are the root of all of her problems, telling her we always forced her to do things she didn’t like (this is simply not true, she always chose what she wanted to do and we encourage her on those things), and being rude in the way we tell her things, this is a bit of an exaggeration and it doesn’t matter if you apologize for that, she is not allowing any type of self-criticisms when she is being aggressive o selfish with you (most of the time).
The psychologist also convinced her to give up on everything she was doing here and that she has to emigrate out of the country (in a 3rd world country people usually think that emigrate would solve all of your problems), which is crazy because she never had a job and she never got out of her comfort zone to do such a thing, **we supported her though**.
She also wants my parents to pay (with the money they don’t have) her way out of the country.
We are all very confused about how she is blaming us.
**Here are some highlights to picture the scene these days:**
* Any situation is turned easily into a big drama, with serious accusations, gas lighting, disrespect to my parents, etc. Almost every day.
* Very selfish demands and little to no empathy for everyone else. (Like if you are sick, or helping with very simple chord in the house, not keeping her word etc).
* A few months ago my mother told her to get a job because she bearly can’t support her economically. She doesn’t help at all, not even by trying to spend less on things she doesn’t need (very childish things).
* She doesn’t want to get a job, so she started to sell things on the internet, I recently found out she was stealing our stuff and selling them without telling us (a camera, old cell phones with personal data, a computer, clothes, etc).
* She used my mother’s credit card to buy expensive things, without her permission, and she doesn’t even care if my mother can pay for it (she can’t).
* Keep in mind that at the same time she is pushing my mother to pay for a flight ticket to move to Europe. My mother agreed to work extra time to get the money and pay for the ticket because the situation is too much for her already.
**It’s like she’s having a very bad late adolescence.**
So here is my question:
We recently had an argument and we didn’t talk for some days. I reached a point in which I feel it’s way too hard and too exhausting to reason with her and try to solve things. **I don’t even confronted her for selling my stuff, even when I’m very angry about that. Should I try to confront her on this (not sure if something will come from that conversation) or should I play dumb, let her alone and take distance?** It seems like she just wants to move on and forget about us which is very sad, but it’s also a relief for the whole situation in which no one wants to be engaged anymore.
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**tl;dr**: My sister and I used to be close, then out of a sudden she blame us for her problems and started to do very odd things, like stealing my stuff to get some money, using my parents’ credit card, and being very selfish with us. Should I take distance? should I try to talk to her even when she is being very aggressive with me and making it clear how much she is hating my family and blaming us for nothing?
Sorry for my english, I’m not a native speaker.
6 comments
Op, I don’t think it is the psychologist’s fault. It is just your sister. She is an adult and she is responsible for herself.
You need to put some distance between you two and support your parents. Don’t let her guilt trip them for money. Your parents may feel guilty and you need to tell them they are in no way responsible for her behaviour.
Time to focus on your parents and yourself. Support your parents. Make sure they won’t be taken advantage of by your sister and put some distance between you and her.
Good luck.
it can be two things, a bad professional, or an excellent psychologist doing his job.
You said yourself that your sister was an introvert, so maybe she’s just now opening herself up and you’re dealing with her desires for the first time.the sister who made everyone comfortable was a person who suffered in silence, and now she is no longer that person.
but your sister is in an unrealistic mindset, not taking responsibility for what she does and demanding things because she wants them.she is in therapy, take this moment to confront her, as she is getting psychological help to deal with everything.
There is nothing to be gained by playing dumb, ever. And nothing to be gained not confronting about the stealing. That is super reasonable boundary. I mean, I do understand conflict avoidance. But having lifetime experience in it, not much is gained by that. Also, she is not entitled at moms or whoever money, obviously.
Then again, she is entitled to distance herself, move on or temporary go no contact. Paying for herself should be part of that, but it might actually be healthy for her to get distance and be independent.
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The first thing that came to my mind was drug addiction. I can also confirm that super nice people are sometimes simply doormats with lifetime of resentment stuck in them. They are so pleasant, because they suppress what they want. The blowup then might be unfair to everyone around after as they go around like untargeted nuclear explosion.
But this sounds to me as being beyond that. The stealing is the thing that is unambiguously wrong. There is also no reason for you to tolerate being verbally abused or being stolen from. You need to set boundaries for yourself, protect yourself just like with any other abusive person.
Time for her to pay the piper. If you can prove she stole something of your, call the police and have her charged.
She needs a sever wake up call.
Your sister might not be accurately reporting what the psychologist says; she’s also at a ripe age for more serious mental illnesses to emerge. I think this likely ends with her calling to come home if she does make it out.
(Sorry for the long message!)
I have an older brother. We both deal with severe depression and other mental issues, leading us to not get along often, even if I consider us pretty close on other levels. It can cause us, especially me, to lash out and do things we don’t mean. When I’m at my lowest points, to others it truly appears as if I lack empathy entirely and refuse to help out. It’s because I get suicidal and demotivated to do anything. I get really irritable, frustrated, which makes my family irritable and frustrated as well, but not at my level, as they tend to be kinder to me. Being financially not well as a family overall def worsens this, where my mom’s the only one with a stable job, but not stable enough for a family of 7. I sometimes don’t apologize
because of some dumb pride thing, but eventually I do. I remind them that I love and appreciate them because more often than not, I don’t deserve their support. I’m not quite an adult yet, but I’m doing my best to grow as a person and hopefully I can get therapy of some sort to help sort that out.
So I think I can potentially understand your sister, as some of her *less severe* actions I feel me, and others dealing with mental issues, can possibly relate to. However: the mixture of being an adult but refusing to get a job + relying on family for more than basic needs, and then this coming down to downright stealing shit (which is not just morally not okay but also legally not okay), making you guys feel like shit with her childish behavior and not showing remorse (which yeah she could feel guilty in the inside as sometimes actions don’t translate your true feelings, but still), and then demanding such a huge and expensive thing with the money you guys don’t have? And then your mom being way too much of an absolute angel??
This situation is out of hand, which you obviously know. People are human and can have traits like being selfish and demanding, but they are traits we need to try and *learn* to lose or at least keep to ourselves. She’s a very immature person and is being ridiculously unfair to your family, and unfortunately the psychologist thing seems to be making it worse? It could likely just be her. Maybe better help will truly help her, not completely sure about that part. Your sister is extremely fortunate to have the supportive and understanding family she has, but is unfortunate to not be deserving of it, so OP I think you need to focus on yourself and your kind parents, like someone else said, don’t let your sister take advantage of them and maybe a talk with them will be even more important. Boundaries and your own mental well being are just as important for yourself. If you’re going to talk to her, make it firm and clear you can’t support her with this behavior. More often than not, people just need to be hit with these sorts of consequences in order for change to trigger.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, family is difficult. You sound like a very level-headed and caring person. Best of luck.