[Advice] How can I be more natural, generate interest and connect with people more easily without coming in too strong?

Good day Redditors! This may be a bit long, but I’m quite desperate at this point, so any help and piece of advice is appreciated.

**For context**: I’ve (M25, ENFJ-T) been out of the social game for most of upbringing, grew up alone, shy, bullied and depressed so I never were acquainted with much social skills. Since I grew up alone (only child of a single mother with no family around), I’ve always had to learn most things by and fend for myself. Despite that, I’ve grown a lot through the years. I still suffer from mild depression, anxiety, social anxiety and low self esteem, but I’m much more communicative, confident and healthy to the point where sometimes people find me charming. However, I still struggle getting people to take an interest in me. The main problems that I spotted are: **oversharing, overthinking and anxiety**. Some people have said cocky because of how confident I’ve become, but it has more to do with how I presented myself sometimes rather than who I actually am (I tend to put people interests and needs above mine, to the point where if anything goes numb or sideways I used to blame myself, overthink what did I do wrong, what I could/should’ve done and try quite desperately to make things right. This is someting I’m working on atm).

Despite the above, I have some good long term dating experience, had 3 romantic relationships (summing up to 8y altogether) since my teens. Once people take an interest, we get off and develop good connections.

I understand that to be interesting you must do interesting things, which I believe I do. I’m an independent young man who exercises, work, study, care for my dog and cat, try to tender my few friendships, enjoy gaming, series, books, bike riding, love music (am “fluent” in several genres), design (my degree), among many other things. That said, I’m also confident in my personality and looks, most say I’m attractive and good looking.

Thing is that I tend to be an intense person. Anything I put my mind to, usually give it total focus and commitment, which may lead to some strong foundations but also some big disapointments/emotional hurt. So you can guess how that plays once I want to make new friends. Come in too strong and feel hurt when they lose interest.

Just got out of a 4 year relationship and right now I’m really looking for taking care of myself, make new friends and have some nice experiences.

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**What I understand:**

• **I’m sensitive to rejection** due to childhood traumas (familiar abandonment and ethnicity). I understand that I’m unique, should love myself first, that as much as I try, I won’t be everyone cup of tea and that’s ok. I’m working on this premise.

• **I intimidate people** either by talking too much or by how much I know about things, taking their autonomy and space in the conversation> I burn too much too fast, not leaving room for mistery and interest to develop.

• I usually try to get people to talk about themselves then talk about myself in the process, but usually **I end up being too dominant** and taking the lead of most conversations, setting up a dynamic where if I stop bringing topics or interesting questions, they will simply stop responding or let the conversation die.

• **I’m an overthinker** (remember the intense focus?). Despite being a “disadvantage”, I use it to hold my horses in order to be more simple and objective. That results in me thinking too much and too hard on what they meant, what should I answer (god forbid I send a generic uninteresting response), then send a well thought on point “perfect” answer to get the conversation going (as if I was the sole responsible for that). In fact, I’m writing this post for almost 3 hours to make sure it is precise and thorough. I learned that I don’t owe people shit and they don’t owe me shit either, so if things don’t go well, it’s not necessarily my fault, I should just let it go and move on.

• I have studied interesting topics of conversation, how to approach people, how to be more confident, some psychological health stuff (for me specifically), so I believe I know the basics and some “advanced” stuff.

• My most proeminent social qualities is that I take interest in people, I like to make them feel good/better, am respectful, trustworthy and someone they can rely on. Problem is that usually people only approach me when they need/want something, once they get it, I’m no longer required, sometimes not even worthy of a reply.

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**What I don’t understand:**

• Learned lot of insight on how to make new friends, as the formula of proximity + frequency + duration + intensity, although I understand that I should keep things cool and without pressure, but I need somewhere to start before I can do it easily. So far this insights have helped me approaching people and getting their interest on starting conversations. But once we start, thats when I have a hard time balancing “just being myself” with “don’t scare people away”.

• I’m conflicted on how do I keep it natural, simple, “be confident+be myself” while keeping them interested.

If I start slow, ask about their day, plans, interests, etc. without saying too much, they may get bored and lose interest. if I come in with well thought conversation topics, make most messages open to help keep the conversation going, I end up taking the lead meaning that the dynamic becomes: I ask you answer, and if I stop asking, you stop answering. 0 interest or effort on their behalf (again, took their autonomy and made it so the conversation didn’t require their input).

So, as the title says, how do I keep it simple and natural but still generate interest in order to escalate into something more? How do I make myself more valuable/interesting without coming across as cocky or too strong, scaring people away?