A little context here, bless my wife for her patience but I am emotionally grey. I have never suffered from stress or anxiety so I find it very difficult to feel any sort of empathy towards people who do. Not for a lack of trying either. This is why I turn here, I do try to learn and better myself as a person as much as I can, especially to help her.
Now for the story. My wife has a very toxic and stressful work environment and short of me telling her to “do something about it” I am out of ideas. She can not leave because it pays her well and the possibility of a large cut in her salary will move her stress from work to finances. Even tho there most likely would be nothing to worry about with finances, she still will as she obsesses over structure/repetition and has a hard time adjusting to change.
So how can I help her or even help her cope with this scenario? Thanks in advance everyone.
TLDR: my wife is stressing about work and I suck at being emotionally available.
6 comments
First of all, she has no right to take out her job frustrations on you. I don’t know if that’s the case, but you deserve respect.
A similar situation happened to my family, and I can tell you that this financial cut was not so bad for the quality of life.changing jobs and saving has changed that person
This isn’t your problem to fix. You can listen to her talk and provide emotional support when she’s at home, but her work situation is outside your control. If it’s bad enough that she wants to leave, that’s her decision to make. If she wants to stay regardless, that’s her decision too. If her work stress is bad enough that it’s affecting your relationship, and she’s still choosing to stay in that situation regardless, that speaks to her priorities.
Do you have children?
Pick up some of the household work so she can find ways to recover from the stress when at home. Be positive and supportive. Don’t add to her stress.
First, figure out how much of her talking to you is venting versus asking for help. And then set some boundaries:
* For what is venting, she and you need to acknowledge that some venting is inevitable (everyone will always have a moment of “OMG, you won’t believe what happened at work today”), but that there are limits.
* And for what is asking for help, she needs to acknowledge what you are able to help with. A one off “There’s a new guy and his behavior reminds me of that new person you talked about a couple years ago” is one thing – a constant flood of issues isn’t your job to solve.
For the first point, a lot of that is going to be figuring out what is Vent Worthy. Think of it like traffic annoyance — if you’ve never driven, getting cut off on the off-ramp is Vent Worthy, but if your spouse who drives every day told you the story of ever time they got cut off on the off-ramp, that would be your only topic of conversation. Add in that normal people know to spread their venting out — a bit for a work friend, a bit for other friends, a bit for the barista at their regular coffee shop, a bit for family …
For the second, this is on her to figure out. If she’s expecting you to act as her HR Department, Job Coach, Mentor and lawyer, she’s nuts.
Are you sure that you are emotionally grey? Is it possible that it just feels that way because your wife is in a constant state of crisis?
You characterized her job as toxic, with no further comment. How is it toxic?
I am going say this out loud, work sucks and I’d almost never go there if they didn’t pay me. Work isn’t supposed to be an emotionally fulfilling environment, it can be to some degree, but it was never designed to be that.
The work place is not intended to be a purely nurturing environment either. You have a job to do and you do it. Then you go home and use the money you earned to build a fulfilling life away from work.
I have witnessed truly toxic work environments but specifically how is her environment toxic? If everything is a crisis in her life, is she reliable arbiter of the workplaces toxicity?
Now, on to the advice. Take a step back. You aren’t responsible for how your wife processes stress. Listening to her vent is fine, but put a limit on it.
Explain that you can only handle 20-30 minutes a day of venting before it starts to impact your mental health. Further, put limits on your willingness to engage in her venting if she begins to spiral, raise her voice or begins to delve into unhealthy expressions of her dissatisfaction.
Finally, you are doing too much of the housework alone. Stop playing a martyr in this relationship. Your needs matter as much as hers. The volume with which she expresses herself doesn’t mean that her needs take precedence.
She is a grown woman and needs to learn to process stress, disappointment and frustration. You can’t do it for her and you will only damage yourself by trying. She needs to learn coping strategies and to self-soothe.
You are responsible for being a good partner. That includes being honest, open, connected, present, caring and supportive. But it doesn’t mean that you need to subordinate your needs in order to manage the chaos as she moves from one crisis to the next.