I want to preface this by saying that I’m an international PhD student from Europe, so maybe, that has something to do with this situation.
I’ll try to keep it brief. What happened is I moved in with a classmate of mine. I naively thought that living under the same roof with an American classmate might help me adapt and maybe, even make friends because I’ve been very isolated since I arrived in the US. I didn’t expect my PhD studies to be like that. Although, given that there are no people with background even remotely similar to mine in my cohort, that’s not surprising. Anyway, the apartment is nice, but I’m still beginning to think that it might’ve been a bad decision.
There were warning signs even before I moved to this apartment. He barely talked to me. Often, he would even get annoyed and irritated when I said ‘hi’ . I thought maybe that’s just because I’m kinda awkward and super shy (maybe, it’s social anxiety) or maybe, it’s just a cognitive distortion, but then, it got worse, and in retrospect those red flags seem quite obvious. He sometimes runs away when he hears my footsteps. He is often passive aggressive when I ask him routine question about how things are done at this house (chores, utilities, and stuff). He implied he doesn’t like it when I text him questions about apartment-related stuff, but he looks annoyed and angry when I ask him in person too. When the other roommate or his gf takes his food or messes up in any way, his first instinct is to blame me. A couple days ago I came back super tired from the lab, and he just started psychotically yelling at me for for forgetting to turn off the gas…except IT WASN’T ME. Then he was all like ‘Oh, sorry. Just an emotional reaction. Must’ve been the third roommate’. Who the fuck does that kid (he’s several years younger than me) think he is? I’m already stressed for a LOT of different unrelated reasons (SERIOUS LIFE-OR-DEATH kind of reasons). I don’t need him to add his nonsense.
I’ve always been super nice to him. One time, I wasted like an hour of my time ‘cause he forgot his keys inside, so I had to go back to open the door for him, and then, and went back to the uni. I was trying to be nice, but it doesn’t fucking do anything apparently. I’m not even talking about the fact that I’m paying utilities for his gf, who lives here basically!
I had a couple mild mental breakdowns in my room recently: hit a wall a couple times – lightly (not a scratch), talked to myself, stuff like that. At my PhD program, people have FAR MORE intense breakdowns IN PUBLIC, but he barely works, so he wouldn’t understand (his subdivision is more relaxed, and they have 10x more free time). But he started acting even more weird and hostile since then.
He clearly had a problem with me from the start, but I can only guess what it was about.
Maybe, I’m paranoid right now, but I think he’s plotting to get me kicked out from the apartment.
I fucking hate this! Any input will be appreciated even though this is mostly a rant.
6 comments
Well, have you tried communicating with him? Have a conversation and lay it all out on the table. Why all the guesswork as to what he’s thinking? Just ASK him what’s going on. Use the examples you gave us. “You freak out if you think I’ve done something wrong” (e.g. the gas thing) “but don’t seem to mind if the other roommate is to blame, or of course your gf.” So, what is his problem with you?
If he denies there is a problem, then say, “Well you ACT like there’s a problem, so that’s why I’m asking. If there’s no problem how about drop the attitude and we’ll start over.”
Sometimes direct communication is best.
Good luck!
I’m in a similar situation. Eastern European all my life, enlisted in the military in the US (similar situation, except I can’t leave) – zero friends, total culture shock, roommate hated me from the start even though I try to be as non-conflicting and nice as possible. You just can’t win some people over, and even though it’s a cliche, it’s true that these people have far deeper unresolved issues.
It’s hard not to take personally, especially in a foreign culture with no real safety net, but do try not to take it personally. And for God’s sake, try to find a new place to live.
Is it student housing? If so they may be able to switch you if you request. If it’s an off campus apartment and depending on the type, you could ask the property management company to move you to a different unit – though it’s less likely. If neither is an option, it’s probably best to have a conversation and set boundaries. Its common for people to have roommate issues – you may just have to be okay with having no relationship with him.
Please leave as soon as possible
This situation is unhealthy for you and your roomate may be sicker than you realise
If they can’t calmly routinely to react to small things then they will likely get worse around larger issues
I lived with a gaslighter like this and eventually she left. But it was awful.
Don’t be nice. There’s no way you two can ever be friends. And this person’s treating you this way, because they need a punching bag for their emotional crap and you’re willing to take a hit. Be polite, but firm. Only communicate when needed, in dry and official tone. If they lose their cool again, tell them it’s unacceptable and leave the room.