We discussed moving from UK to Australia last year and got the ball rolling by speaking to immigration company and applying for skills tests etc and we decided Perth would be where we moved to. It’s all we could talk about and we’re very excited about it. Then about 2 weeks ago he ended things as he said he doesn’t think it’s a good idea if I move over with him. It all came out of nowhere. He said he doesn’t think I’d ‘cope well’ over there and briefly mentioned it may be a commitment thing that’s made him feel like this. He text me a week or so after saying it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do and he didn’t want to break up but it was for the best. He also said he hopes it was the right decision. We lived together so I moved out but we miss each other terribly and I have still been coming over and staying with him. I’m also due to look after him after he has surgery next week. He has also made comments about he might end up hating it as he hates hot weather or that I could come over and visit him.
I don’t really know what the point of this post is. But I feel heartbroken and upset he’s going to be living our life without me. It’s nice I can still spend time with him, not sure how much longer for. But I don’t know if he’s just using me for company until he leaves. Thoughts?
TL;DR: bf broke up with me and wants to move to Australia alone without me.
37 comments
He dumped you and you’re going to be his caretaker post surgery? Don’t be a doormat. In fact find out where he’s gonna live and a week later show up as his Australian neighbor.
Yes he is using you for comfort until he moved and lives the single life he wants.
I see no point in you visiting. So he can show you the life you would have had if he didn’t dump you? Just in case he can’t find a local girl to fulfill his needs?
Go no contact. His family can provide nursing service for him. He wants the single life, he should have it, starting now.
You should start planning an amazing single life trip for yourself. Somewhere nice.
I guess he needs to sort himself out, not really because of you but in general. Sorry this happened to you, but with the info you’ve given, I don’t really think you’re at any fault here. You should prioritize yourself now, though. He made a choice, possible not out of bad will, but it still is something that hurt you.
You should be taking care of yourself right now, not him, because again, he made a choice, let him carry the consequences.
> I’m also due to look after him after he has surgery next week.
>
>He has also made comments about he might end up hating it as he hates hot weather or that I could come over and visit him.
Holy. Shit.
>But I don’t know if he’s just using me for company until he leaves.
Uh no. He’s not just using you for company until he leaves.
He’s using you for company until he leaves, AFTER he leaves, AND using you as a free nursemaid. Pretty much in every possible way you can use a person short of harvesting them for organs.
>upset he’s going to be living our life without me.
No. You’re still there. Like a lawyer on retainer. This guy has his hooks in you DEEP.
I don’t even know what advice to give you. You’re not even considering throwing him into the dumpster!
>It’s nice I can still spend time with him, not sure how much longer for.
Like your plan is to just cling to him like a barnacle on a ship. Again… if we told you to leave him and how to do it, would you even be able to make that choice right now? You need like the dating version of one of those cult deprogramming services.
You are so desperate. I would go no contact. Book yourself a holiday for the week your meant to look after him. You owe him nothing. He wants the free, easy life in Australia where he can shag all round him while you’re at home moping and crying over a relationship which was more of a convenience for him. What did he do when he no longer needed you? Dump you. He’s now thinking sh*t. I won’t get any sex. I know I’ll call op because I know she still loves me and will give it up, but she’s a fool because I’m still going to oz without her and she’s gonna look after me after surgery because she’s a sap. If he genuinely cared for you, he wouldn’t treat you as though you’re disposible
You should go to Australia on your own. Get a working holiday visa and head over there – I (28F) am a foreigner that lives there and can answer any questions you may have! I mean it – don’t miss the chance to live your life even if it means without him. PM me!
He hates the heat and is moving to Perth. I guess he will adapt.
You probably ought to tell him to find someone else to look after him after his surgery he will have to learn to live without you
Australia has cool climates. Hobart, Launceston, Canberra, though Canberra has harsh summers
He dumped you. He no longer wants to be with you. Right now he’s using you to pass the time until he leaves for Perth, which you were supporting be going with him. Don’t let yourself get used. Do not take care of him post surgery. You will regret it when he goes to Australia and loses contact with you.
He broke up with you because he wants to be “free” which is fine. He can be “free” starting today and he can figure his surgery care out by himself.
Uhm no, don’t you look after him after he’s dumped you. He’s made his bed let him lie in it. You’re not there to have your heart broken and then mope at his bedside doing everything he wants you to. Believe me after my ex left me he told me I could still live in the house until I could find a place to stay, he used me for sex because I was there. I would cook and clean for him hoping and PRAYING he would come back to me and he never did until It was too late and I made myself move on. I knew I deserved better. Don’t waste your time with him, he’s using you until he leaves. The moment another girl in aus walks into his life he will be all over her.
Book yourself a holiday. Give him the middle finger. He doesn’t deserve you.
If you still wanna move to Aus though I say go for it. Don’t let him control you or your feelings. Let him go.
Stop going over and he can find someone else to look after him after the surgery. If he doesn’t want to be with you, don’t bother wasting your time on him.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds incredibly difficult.
I guess I’d have to ask: are there any reasons you’d like to go to Australia outside of the fact he’ll be going there? Like, would you choose to move there on your own (or say, consider it for a job) if he’s going there?
I guess I ask this because, from his perspective, I’d want to know where his doubts are coming from. On one level I’d feel very frustrated if I thought moving abroad with a partner was best for me but they broke up with me anyway, however on the other hand if I genuinely thought it’d be the wrong decision for a partner then out of respect for both myself and them, I couldn’t move abroad with them with a clear conscience.
So I guess I’d say it sounds like either a communication issue or… as a stranger (i.e. someone completely outside the situation, who doesn’t know either of you) I guess I’d have to ask is it possible he has a point? I guess my advice to you would be to reflect on Australia and why you want to go with him, and then if there’s anything you haven’t communicated or anything he’s not understanding then perhaps it’s worth a shot at communicating it. And if you think he’s right or you can’t get through to him, then I guess either go for a clean break now or after he’s left, but I’d say definitely don’t continue talking to him (at least for a few months) after he’s left, and definitely don’t visit him. It wouldn’t be good for you. You owe it to yourself to move on.
Girl, don’t move to Perth! Perth is literally one of the most geographically remote places in the world. Move to the east coast and make better friends, earn more money and travel Australia easier and cheaper (flying out of Perth all the time will make you go broke!)
Your ex was an asshole, but don’t dump your dream along with the relationship. Australia is a big place and we’ve got more than enough room for you.
I think you should focus on yourself, find someone else new, hang out or make new friends, have fun etc. Once you’re happy you’ll soon forget all about him. Stop helping him, you aren’t his gf anymore so just focus on your own self healing.
Also, I read through a couple of your other posts and I guess I’d say: moving forwards, I’d take this as a harsh, difficult and unfair life lesson that people who struggle with communication are not always good people to be in relationships with. I think this is especially true for women who date men, unfortunately.
The “everything was fine, until it wasn’t” is really difficult to go through. There’s feelings of confusion and sometimes of betrayal at having been deceived. When I read this post, it shocked me that the reasons he’d given were vague (“didn’t think you’d cope well”, it all coming out of nowhere right before a big trip), and seeing in your other post that he’s generally been a bad communicator, I guess it fits in line with that historical pattern of behaviour.
Many men try to go through life entirely on their own, and sadly this often means they try to navigate their relationships on their own – without advice from friends, parents, even strangers, or most crucially their partner. It’s not always as severe as springing a breakup on someone right before a big commitment without having communicated prior, but in his case (taking your word at everything you typed out) it seems to be.
All I can say is I’m really sorry. This situation sucks. I’m not involved, but it doesn’t sound to me as if you’ve done anything wrong. Assuming he doesn’t change his mind, I think all you can do is take it as a red flag and try and avoid partners who are poor communicators moving forwards (which isn’t to say it’s your fault at all. It’s not). If he did at any point change his mind, you’d need to ask yourself whether you can live with this. If it was his own faults that caused this then it’s unlikely they’d go away. There’s a risk that before your wedding or before you have kids, something like this happens again. Ofc, sometimes people grow and change, but be realistic with yourself about does he recognise the issue, is he committed to changing it and how exactly does he plan to do that? I definitely wouldn’t just get back with him instantly, in your shoes.
Please please please take my advice and stop seeing him/helping him/ doing things for him. I was in a relationship like this. He dumped me but kept coming over, still having sex with me, still saying he loved me but ‘couldn’t be with me’ meanwhile he was going on dates cause he was ‘single’ but if caught whiff of the fact I was doing the same he suddenly needed me and I stupidly dropped everything for him over and over again. He’s stringing you along and you are letting him. Don’t be a doormat!!
Have a frank discussion with him and say if he truly doesn’t want to be with you then fine but you are out of his life. There is no half in half out until he moves or finds something ‘better’.
I’ve been there in the sense of being broken up with (9 year relationship) and only when he got a new partner that I realised I irrationally romanticised what we had. I cried, I begged for couple therapy, I wrote long letters hoping for him to turn around. In hindsight I would have just let him walk and never bother with any of it.
He will tell or show you that he’s sad, or maybr even at some point he regrets it. Do whatever you need to but just remember he’s made his choice, youre not his priority, he doesn’t want you in his life anymore. All the best and I hope you find another muse
I have still been coming over and staying with him. I’m also due to look after him after he has surgery next week.
Nope. He doesn’t get to dump you (bc that’s what he did) and have zero responsibility for the relationship yet still enjoy all the benefits.
Stop going over to visit and do the bare minimum to help after surgery and only if there is no one else who can help. text him and ask him if he needs anything, remind him to take his medication and follow his discharge instructions-thats enough unless he seriously and genuinely needs help-otherwise no loving nursing form you.
You don’t owe him shit. Do not care for him after his surgery. He doesn’t care about you. Know your own worth here!
If you want to visit Australia stil on your own, do a working holiday visa – that way youll avoid investing heaps into moving to a country you might not even like, and I say this as someone from Perth!
Why do you not value yourself? He dumped you and threw away the plans for a future you made together and you are going to take care of him. You do realise all this stuff he is saying is to get you to still take care of him right. The regret and oh its hardest thing I’ve had to do blah blah is to get you to still care for him
Why are you keeping promises to him when he has let you down this badly? Why does he deserve this?
I moved to Canada with my then boyfriend, we both wanted this before we even knew each other. I wanted to wait a year and get work experience and save up, but he had inherited some money and wanted to go immediately. I had previously lived in the city we chose so I had some friends there. I did most of the work of finding us a place to live, figuring out visa/bank stuff and even helped him find work (most of my friends were in the same field). He wasnt even two weeks into his new job when he dumped me. Didn’t even try to help me figure out how I could stay (my visa was dependent on him) or let me stay for a while to figure it out my own. My heart, my future, my dream to live in canada, the friendships I had there (whom I felt way closere with than anyone at home) all destroyed or gone in one lame swoop.
A lot more happened, i feel like i could write a book about it, but my point being I wish I never went with him. I wish he had the balls to break up with me before we left. Then he could do his own work to get there and I could have gone when I felt ready and not “oh I have to go now or I lose him”. I said goodbye to everyone at home not knowing when I’d be back or if I’d ever see them again (grandparents) which was super difficult. Only to have to say goodbye to my Canadian friends (again difficult) and come back home only a few months later which felt super embarrassing and humiliating.
In my opinion, be glad he did it now. He wants to do this his own way. His excuses are lame but its best he does this now and not when you’re in a whole new country miles away from your known support system.
That being said, he chose a life without you, give him a life without you, dont help or stick around. You’re being used, have at least that much self respect
He wants to use you up. Use your time, energy, love…..what do you get? You get left and used.
He is just using you. If you want to move to Australia, go ahead and do it by yourself. Whatever you do, block your ex-boyfriend. He treats you like dirt and you’re tolerating and justifying it for some reason. Good Luck.
Girl, eff him and his surgery. He’s using you for all the gf needs but wants to be single to be with other women.
Girl move to Sydney and get a new and better boyfriend. You’ll make loads of money, great nightlife and not be in the most boring part of the country. Go next week instead of being his unpaid nurse. You’re 26 & should be having fun not trailing around after this pathetic, indecisive loser.
He’s getting everything he needs from you and you are getting nothing you need from him. End this. You’ll be sooo much better off emotionally when it’s your decision to walk away.
Broken up is broken up, no caretaking of him, he may get a family member or hire a nurse to look after him. He wanted it, so why are you still around, you should be busy dating now. Or whatever else as long as it doesn’t involve wasting your time on him.
He broke up with you. That means he decided you’re not in his future with him.
Now it’s just a convenience that you’re around until he goes. It’s up to you and your self worth to determine if you let it go on like this or cut it off and start the healing process
This dude is using you. Stop going to his place, delete his number, block him, don’t take care of him after the surgery.
He told you he doesn’t want you!
When people say something.. believe them. Move on and find happiness in someone that genuinely feels love for you.
Please have some self respect. This man is using you like a nursemaid and casual hookup when it suits him rather than a partner. He can’t have it both ways, he’s shown his true colours. Refuse to take care of him after his surgery, his family can come do that and block him on all social media and messaging. Find someone who actually loves and appreciates you. PS: consider Sydney or Melbourne.
There is a name for your situation.
Back burner witch(with a b)
Kept there incase the all else fails.
Leave doll, pull your shoulders back, hold your head tall and leave like the bad B you are!!
Even with you heart in tatters, you can still preserve your dignity. Which you won’t, if you continue to allow yourself to be played like a fiddle.
Stop spending time with him. Do not be his nursemaid after the surgery. Do not go to visit him once he moves.
He dumped you. It’s time for the both of you to start acting like it.
You deserve so much better girl, and reading through these comments is helping me come to terms with my breakup situation. It’s nowhere near as bad as yours, but some things are similar. Still using me for sex/stringing me along and leading me on. Us girls deserve better, sending love 💗
I think he can find someone else to take care of him after his surgery.
You are apparently easy to manipulate/take advantage of
So he thinks he can break up with you, move away, and still lean on you for help and emotional support??? No. You’re not his property or his pet. Fuck that
Go to Australia without him. If you have your visa and the funds, don’t let him stop you. There’s many more cities than Perth and Perth is pretty gigantic for both of you to live very separate lives.
As for he thinks you wouldn’t cope well? Please. He can cope well without you after his surgery. Taking care of him post op is part of the girlfriend package. If it’s the single life he wants, then it’s the single life he gets. He’ll soon see, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, and his mates already over there, goin’ on about how many women they are getting, are actually sitting alone most nights with a beer in the heat.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. See it as a break. And go over there and “cope well”