Hi all. I am 32F and he is 32M. Married for three years. I make the majority of our household income and pay the lion’s share of our bills. He has a set amount we have agreed on to pay biweekly in line with his payday to contribute. We keep our finances completely separate except for this.
Before moving here, he had never had a credit card and his parents were in serious debt. I told him to be very careful with his card, but that it was a good idea to have one to build credit for himself, of which he previously had none. Over the years, he has abused that card horribly, even increasing his credit limit against my advice. I also had parents who were massively in credit card debt and know how that felt so I’ve never allowed myself to be and I like to think I manage my finances very well.
Several months back, of his own volition, my husband came to me distraught and seeking advice because he had overdrawn his $7,500 credit card. He told me to take his card from him and that he was going to remove it from online accounts to prevent usage until he could pay it back down again. I agreed and hid the card.
Fast forward to today. Every once in a while, I’ve checked in with him to ask how he’s doing paying down his card, and he tells me he’s doing well. I’ve been happy for him. Today I found a credit card statement left open on his desk and my curiosity took hold. He is still almost maxed out on this card. As of last month, he paid out more than he paid in.
His list of charges include a gift card for his PlayStation and several charges to restaurant takeout and food delivery apps. He has clearly not removed his card from any of these and has even made attempts to hide his food purchases from me when I’ve come home from work. He spent over $200 on fast food last month alone and this is the only month I’ve snooped on.
On one hand, with our finances separate, I feel like I have no business interfering in them like this, but it is affecting our lives too. He is unable to pay for basic necessities like paper towels, body wash, and groceries sometimes and I foot most of it instead. We need thousands of dollars in repairs to the house and he has already told me he won’t be in any position to contribute so that will also entirely fall to me. This doesn’t seem fair and I only found this out by snooping. Am I wrong to be infuriated? How do I approach this when we’ve already talked about his spending issues multiple times?
TL;DR Snooped on my husband’s credit card statement, he is buying frivolous crap while claiming he can’t afford to pay for household expenses. How to tackle this?
41 comments
He putting himself and your marriage financially at risk. Tell him that you found out that he has lied to about paying down his credit card, not making responsible financial decisions and not honoring his commitment in paying his share of the expenses. His irresponsible spending and lying is putting his marriage on thin ice. Ask him what he plans to do about it.
I suspect that because of his upbringing that this is normal behavior. If he wants to stay married then he would need to cut up his credit cards, you and go thru all his online accounts and cancel them, have open access to all of his accounts including passwords to his phone and computer, and get some financial therapy.
I doubt that he would agree to that and this extreme suggestion would be hard on both of you. The alternative is not to be with him in my opinion. I think for most marriages that the spouse’s debt is your debt as well so he’s putting you at risk.
>Am I wrong to be infuriated?
No, not at all. He’s being irresponsible which is directly impacting you negatively. Also, he’s been deceitful to you which is a breach of trust.
>How do I approach this when we’ve already talked about his spending issues multiple times?
Its get therapy or its over time. He clearly has some impulse control issues that he needs help with. He also needs to be willing to have complete transparency for a while (hand over all account info and disable all credit cards). He should probably also operate on a cash-only basis until he’s got his shit in order. Cant spend it if he literally doesnt have it!
If a husband and wife can’t be open and honest about their finances with each other, why are they together in the first place?
I know, harsh, right? You can have separate finances, but still be able to talk about them. Think about it. What about planning for future large purchases like new cars, vacations, a bigger house, etc? What about retirement? What about emergency savings?
I think the first step for you should be to create a rough household budget based on your income. Include budgeting for the repairs needed to the house. Having a plan on paper shows you whether or not things are sustainable without him. My guess is they are not and having the facts on paper will be easier to show him that his inability to contribute will end up with both of you in serious financial straits.
I would then recommend you two sit down regularly (i.e. probably monthly at first, then quarterly as things get better) to discuss your individual finances, look at how you’re doing on the budget, and talk about plans going forward.
Yes, this will be an incredibly difficult subject to discuss. He my get angry and defensive. Try to remain calm and try to continue to point to the budget showing that you can’t do it alone. If he absolutely refuses to participate in the marriage financially, then you might have to suggest a separation. His behavior shows that he’s being disrespectful of your marriage and that needs to change immediately.
Your finances are not separate, even if his money is going to his own expenses, because his financial mess is affecting the relationship.
He has a spending habit and needs therapy to sort this out. I doubt you can say anything to him to stop his spending because at this point it’s almost an addiction.
He’s been abusing the credit cards for years…You’ve only been married for 3…so does that mean he’s been doing this since you’ve been together!?
Lady, this is above your paygrade. It’s time for an ultimatum: “Your spending addiction had affecting our finances and has potentially jeopardized our future. You need to seek therapy for your spending. I will no longer be footing your bills. I need 100% transparency or this marriage is over.”
You have every right to be livid in my books. You seem to be framing this as if it’s his financial problem, but it’s definitely yours too. Maybe laws are different where you’re at, but it’s likely that you are beholden to all debt he incurs. If something terrible happens, that debt won’t disappear. It will transfer to you, because you are his spouse. If you two split up, you will likely inherit a chunk of his debt.
Not only has he deceived you, he is putting you both in jeopardy. I generally don’t agree with snooping, but in this case I think it’s rather forgivable. He left his bill laying around in the open, so is it really even “snooping”?
You are in a precarious situation here. I have two friends who married men like this. One has stayed with her husband, and after 15 years, she admits she is financially trapped. If she leaves him, she will leave with half his debt. She may even get slapped with alimony because she earns more than he does. Add in the lawyer fees and she’s looking at something like $75k to leave the dude.
The other friend left her spendthrift husband after he did some other bad things. She has to pay him alimony because she’s the higher earning partner. She also spent a lot on lawyer fees because he tried to take her pension, and it took 2 years to put an end to that shit.
I try not to suggest break ups for married people on this sub unless abuse is involved… and I’m not gonna say “leave him”. What I am going to say is – consider that you may have to entertain the possibility that leaving may be the only way to stop the financial disaster he is setting you up for. It depends on whether or not he puts the brakes on this doom train.
He **can** stop this doom train. He has the power of choice, like all of us. In my early 20s, I put myself in a lot of consumer debt. I ended up asking my dad for help. He bailed me out but made me pay him back of course. The shame and guilt of having to rely on my father because I was irresponsible set me straight.
Your husband is getting damn close to the point of no return at 32, but I do still think people are able to change and grow a LOT in our 30s… but only if we’re willing. Is he willing? I don’t know.
I think, at bare minimum, he should do the following:
1. Unlink ALL accounts from his credit card with you present as a witness. This means uber eats, PSN, itunes, literally everything. This will be shameful and embarrassing, but that’s what he gets for being a liar.
2. Call his credit card company and have a freeze placed on his cards with you present.
3. Call your bank or credit union and make a money management appointment with you present. Attend the money management appointment with you present. If your bank app has a money tracker, he should turn it on.
4. Seek out money management training/courses. The bank may be able to direct you to resources. Use a legitimate, highly regarded resource from a trustworthy non-profit organization or publicly funded school.
5. Go to a therapist or clinical counsellor to gain understanding of why he lied to you, how he could stand to lie to you, and to get guidance on how to stop lying to you
6. Work on his credit in safer ways that do not involve having an active credit card. This could include stuff like – making monthly insurance payments instead of the less-expensive annual lump sum – signing up for a phone contract where you slowly pay for the device in your bills – purchasing something for the home like an appliance on a payment plan. Strongly recommend putting these bills on auto-pay thru his banking app.
You haven’t done anything wrong here OP, but I think it’s important for you to intervene right away. This spiral isn’t going to stop itself, and he doesn’t seem to be willing or perhaps capable of intervening with himself.
Hey. So this is the thing about being tied to him via marriage—that debt he’s accumulating is yours. The card can be in his name and tied to his SSN, but because you are married, creditors and the court view you **both** as responsible for paying it back. If you divorce? He gets half the assets acquired during the marriage — including your bank accounts, home equity and 401k — and you get to pay half the debt. Plus you get a hit on your credit score. I know looking at it this way is harsh, but do you really want to let this get even worse? He lied to you and is not at all interested in being a good partner. This needs to be at the forefront of your mind when you tackle it.
Ok all the other things aside, credit card debt is very difficult to get out of by design. A serious talk about his spending habits might be needed and if he said he’d do something and didn’t that’s a hard discussion that needs having but I can say from being in almost exactly your position by the time your spouse has wracked up that much debt just the interest is eating them alive and you are much better off going as a couple a debt consolidation loan from a bank to refinance that debt and perhaps get the money you need for the home repairs lumped in too.
Financial infidelity is a serious issue and money is the number one relationship killer for a reason. But at some point you have to ask yourself not whether or not if anger is justified, it is. But is it useful? For me I found the answer was no and told my wife “this is your one time, get out of jail free card in the name of getting this fixed and moving past this, but you can’t ever keep something like this from me again. No more letting things go until we’re sinking before you inform me.” and thus far, knock on wood, we’re better off. The debt got refinanced so we’re making headway on it and we both have less stress in her lives. I do occasionally take a peek at her spending and make discrete suggestions, and part of our deal on the fix was she has to accept that she needs a little bit of double check, and if she can’t trust me for that who can she trust.
If you guys were just dating I’d say yeah it’s not your business and if his financial habits are a deal breaker then leave, but you guys are married. You’re a team now and what one does can affect the other. Not to mention the betrayal of trust and the lying.
I think first you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Would you leave if this never changes or can you live like this. If the answer is you can’t live with this you need to tell him his behavior had to change our you’re gone.
My guy and I have separate finances, yes, but we also communicate about our financial status. Because we are a team. If something happens and one of us is out of work (for example), the other one has an idea of what the overall situation is.
We do yours-mine-ours. We both contribute to the Ours account for bills & household essentials. We pay our individual bills (child support, student loans, game subscriptions) out of our respective individual accounts.
Financial infidelity is a thing, even if y’all have separate finances. Depending on your state, you could be on the hook for his financial fuckery.
Stop seeing your action as “snooping”
You don’t REALLY have separate finances–you can’t if you are married, living together, and serving as a safety net for each other. You can have separate accounts and separate fun money but the reality is that this is affecting you already because you are paying for more than your share of necessities, and it will likely affect you more in the future because he’s going to need help paying down this debt.
This is why I have someone handle my money for me as I have a tendency to get myself into trouble (currently have a payee and once off SSDI have a CPA handle paying my bills). Ideally, I would like to have someone just handle the bills and savings, etc and send me a weekly check for groceries, fun money, etc with monthly check-ins to see how’s my money going and make sure no funny business is going on, but my current job makes it difficult (Uber/Lyft driver). Probably need to setup a trust when I make more money (have other opportunities to make more serious money that I need capital to do).
I find this is cheaper and more effective than relying on my ADHD-filled brain to handle it on my own. I know how to do it, but can forget to pay a bill or forget something else is going to be charged right before, etc, and cause overdrafts or late/return check fees which can get expensive. It’s just better to have a licensed and bonded pro handle it and take it out of my hands and pay the cheaper fees that way.
Then I’m much more likely to hit my financial goals and have money to play with than being broke and having to stress paying the bills.
I would have your husband talk to a financial advisor or CPA for help with his issues. Good luck.
I understand the concept of keeping your finances separate, but when you’re married, unless you have a prenup, nothing is actually separate? his debt is your debt ultimately, so of course you should be bringing this up and caring, it can all affect you negatively. I think the first step is having a serious sit down and talking to him about it, maybe even in therapy, but also for the financial issues side of this, I would highly recommend making a post on r/personalfinance because they are pretty helpful over there
I went through this when I got my first credit card in my 20s and bought a bass guitar and went to Burning Man. Spent my early 30s paying off the time I had in my 20s. No real regrets, but yeah, homeboy is paying like 2 or $300 a month just for the right to be that far in debt.
He needs to grow up and get a grip of his finances. When he’s ready to do so, he should speak to a debt consolidation officer who will buy that debt from the credit card company with a *much* lower interest rate. Then get to work paying it off and making some real life changes to stop buying crap he can’t afford. $200 in fast food is wild. Dude needs to learn how to get off his ass and cook. A cheeseburger isn’t that hard to make yourself.
He doesnt face any real consequences, so why should he change?
It is obvious you need to take over his financial accounts, and he can Get 50-100$ a week in cash for fun stuff. He should also Get a second source of income. When the debt is cleared he can Get control back under supervision.
You are generous, and he takes advantage of that.
>We keep our finances completely separate except for this.
I want to point out that this is not true. Except for very specific circumstances which all involve prenups, no married couple has separate finances. You may have accounts that you each agree to use, but as far as anyone outside your relationship is concerned you are a single financial entity.
I am saying all of this so that you know this isn’t *his* problem. It’s also legally your problem. You seemingly married this guy knowing that he was horrible with money. That was a mistake, but it’s a little late to take that back now. What you need to do is have a “come to jesus” moment with him. You need access to every financial account he has. He needs to run every purchase by you. He needs to come up with a monthly budget that allows him to pay down your debt, and he needs to understand that failure to stick to that budget will end in divorce.
dont ruin yourself financially for a man. he doesnt sound like he’s itching to change his behavior.
Both of you need to be open and honest and have weekly budget meetings. You’re keeping your finances separate, but the reality is you’re financially connected and need to operate as such, his failure is your failure, as you can see. It sounds like he can’t from zero financial responsibility to a lot. Talk! Don’t just snoop and check, but actually sit down with both of your bank statements and bills and talk through it.
You are being wayyyy too nice.
He gets cash from here on out. Freeze his credit score so he can’t open another card behind your back.
You need to reign him in.
If he doesn’t agree you leave. You need to think about yourself and your retirement. Life is only getting more expensive.
$200 a month on Fast food? Are you worried about his health too? Yikes!
This is why you gotta learn people spending habits before hand, and also why combining finances when your married is smart. Sounds to me like he wants you to foot all the bills, and maybe he can’t control himself. But hiding it just shows he isn’t going to do any better.
Your finances are not separate. You’re bank rolling him.
You’re also on the hook for his debt as you’re married.
He’s lying to you, taking your money, and even straight told you he won’t invest in your home that needs repairs.
This is not fair OP.
You need to treat this like he’s a serious drug addict or something. The effects on your relationship will be fairly similar.
He is consciously or unconsciously planning for you to pull all the financial weight in the relationship. Home repairs, vacations, retirement. Don’t let him do this to you. It is terribly unfair and you will end up resenting him more and more over time. And don’t kid yourself into thinking your finances are really separate. Because every time he is irresponsible with money, you have to pick up the slack.
This problem is not going to fix itself. I would insist on marriage counseling for you both, and financial counseling for him. If he refuses, I’d walk.
Being livid won’t do anything, I’ve tried. You have to come at it with facts and logic and put the emotional part of the relationship aside. You have to treat it like a business for a minute.
So is he using his debit card now instead of the credit card? Honestly what I had to do is just take over finances 100%. Switch his pay from work to be deposited directly into an account that you have access to. You can then give him a set amount a month to spend how he wants. There are consequences to actions so until the credit card is paid off, that number will be lower. Once the card is paid off just cancel it all together.
I’ve learned that some people can get better with finances but the urge to buy stuff online sometimes just takes over. I honestly have the opposite problem where I need to buy things online but I continuously push it off
My wife and I have separate finances. Our rule is: I don’t care how you spend your money as long as you can afford what you buy. He clearly can’t afford what he’s buying so you need to have a conversation. She wanted a new car earlier this year (old car was 9yrs and had regular maintenance issues) and couldn’t afford to outright buy it. She knows I abhor debt so we agreed she put up what she could afford ~$6k and I’d put up ~$25k.
So you married a “boy” that obviously doesn’t cook? or pack a lunch? Can’t pay for his own crap? and Can’t even work on your own house? Yikes!
To anyone else reading this: Never marry someone who’s financial IQ doesn’t align with yours. It will be a disaster.
>On one hand, with our finances separate, I feel like I have no business interfering in them like this, but it is affecting our lives too. He is unable to pay for basic necessities like paper towels, body wash, and groceries sometimes and I foot most of it instead. We need thousands of dollars in repairs to the house and he has already told me he won’t be in any position to contribute so that will also entirely fall to me.
It becomes your business once he has to ask you for help to buy necessities like personal hygiene products.
Obviously you don’t mention the good parts of the relationship, so I’m left wondering if they exist. Based on what I know from what you’ve said, I would leave. He will be stranded, but he’s taking pure advantage of you. This isn’t you helping more than him, this is you doing everything while he follows behind you.
>He has a set amount we have agreed on to pay biweekly in line with his payday to contribute.
This approach works fine if the set amount covers fixed expenses, investments, and savings. If these 3 categories are adequately covered, then everything else can be “guilt free spending” (even if he chooses to spend the money on credit card interest).
The problem is you set an amount to cover fixed expenses, but not enough to cover investments, savings, household maintenance, vacations, etc.. So, the amount needs to be adjusted.
This guy whether intentional or not is completely disrespecting you and the marriage finances. It sounds like he learned no prudent money skills growing up and is digging himself into a hole which you are on the hook if he fails to pay his portion of shared bills.
Given that you have counter party risk, I’d sit him down and tell him you want to be there as a team and figure out a solution to ensure both sides can pay the debt. It might make sense to start requiring him to put prefund money into a joint account to use for bills. As long as that account has a years bills paid, you can loosen the oversight on the other finances.
That way he can’t spend it all on stupid crap like food delivery. I also recommend a balance transfer ASAP on the card to save interest. Take the hit with the fee (maybe even offer to help him pay transfer fee down as concession if he prioritizes knocking out the principal)
I would also engage in talks for him to take on a 2nd or 3rd job to start paying off the debt. He can’t sit around hoping for it to go away on its own
> On one hand, with our finances separate, I feel like I have no business interfering in them like this, but it is affecting our lives too.
Spoiler alert, you finances are not separate, you’re both pretending.
I don’t understand marriages like this. For me it’s always been: one family, one finances
I ended my relationship over my boyfriend’s bad money management, it was something I felt like I had to mother him on and I no longer felt like we were partners in our relationship. I gave him a month for him to show me that he gave a shit (meaning cutting down on his bad spending habits, open up a retirement account, update his LinkedIn to start finding a new job, etc…), and he didn’t take one step towards remediation. I broke up with him. To me, he wasn’t an adult, he was a child that needed constant mothering and guidance (which was funny, because I’m 7 years younger than him).
I’m not telling you that you need to break up with him, but I would give him an ultimatum of “these specific things need to change and if I don’t see progress or you taking any steps to change these things over the next [insert time period], it’s over”. You can also suggest he get therapy. But he needs to grow up, get the help that he needs, and manage himself better so that he can be a better partner to you. And if he can’t do that, then you deserve better.
What kind of man can’t handle one credit card? You have to have noticed that he is incapable of other simple things in life as well.. take away the credit card, don’t put your name on anything that shares credit with him. Personally if my girlfriend couldn’t contemplate simple finances, I wouldn’t marry her
Why separate finances? Why if one person has financial literacy and clearly he came from a background without it(his parents) why set him up for failure and then be concerned it happened?
My wife came from a family of poor financial habits. I make all of our money and we’ve always shared money. I’ve let her build budgets and let her spend them out while stashing money on the side knowing we would come up short because that’s how you learn. She’s now decent enough with money where she has been added to my credit cards and has a 750+ credit score. It took years of work to break the years of bad habits she inherited but that’s what marriage is. I don’t see why if you’re clearly better at something you can’t take it under your control and use it to build your spouse up
Your finances aren’t separate if you’re paying for all of his groceries, household supplies, and are now going to pay to repair his home. Your finances are combined, you just don’t have any access to the lion’s share of the combined finances that come from his paycheck, while he is allowed to finance his lifestyle using the share of the finances that come from your paycheck. That’s not equitable, and it’s not sustainable for your relationship.
You two are financially linked by marriage. Won’t his credit hurt yours if he defaults on bills?
It’s absolutely time for you two to combine finances and frankly it’s time for you, the more fiscally competent partner, to take the reins.
You are **married**. Looking at each other’s bills should be normal. Understanding where the household stands financially is important.
Snooping is never wrong in my admittedly controversial opinion. Like if your gut is telling you something, listen and look. You’ll usually find what you were worried about. I hate that we are told to ignore our intuition as women because we’re being nosy or don’t trust our partner. Well yeah, I look out for me first after hard lessons learned. Anyhoo, his credit absolutely can affect you, and it’s not fair for you to be paying for everything. He’s essentially functioning as a child when it comes to finances, and you’re the adult footing the bill for adult things while he games and eats Freddy’s. Not cool
“married”
“our finances are separate”
Do you have an ironclad prenup? If not, your finances are NOT separate.
Even if you were not married, separate finances does not mean one person covers everything, that sorta defeata the point.