Throwaway. My very recent ex boyfriend of 1.5 yrs broke up with me a couple of days ago, claiming we were incompatible and he needs to “find himself”. I’m worried he may suffer from some sort of mental health disorder such as depression.
I believe tension started after he became a born again christian 4 months ago. When I first met him, he was non-religious and although he grew up Christian because of his family, he skipped church and religion was never a huge part of his life. I am personally agnostic and slightly spiritual, but I am open to learning and being respectful of other religions. We had a great relationship and only had 2 disagreements that we handled with maturity and good communication. I personally thought we were very compatible in the beginning, until he became a lot more religious. He also struggled a lot with weed, psychedelic drugs and vaping addiction, he said he was using it as escapism. I tried to support him in quitting as he saw it as sinning. 4 months ago, his mom who lives across the world came to visit. She survived a very terminal cancer diagnosis when he was a child and claimed that god saved her so she could continue to raise him up.
After his mom left to go back home, he began going to church again and becoming more religious. This was when he told me he struggles with being happy and has never been 100% fully happy. And that all the drugs and smoking had numbed these feelings and now he realizes he needs to make a change. He told me he hit rock bottom, looked in the mirror and didn’t know who that was. He wanted to stop having sex since it was a sin, but we ended up still continuing to have sex (i was initially devastated hearing this as intimacy is very important to me, and i think he was trying to justify sex to make me happy but he didn’t communicate this with me, he just told me it was okay he’ll figure it out and continued to initiate).
Flash forward to 2 weeks ago today, he brought it up again and said he was feeling really guilty about sex. This was triggered by a colleague of his getting diagnosed with terminal cancer, like his mom. He was in tears when he told me. He said he’s still not happy and wants to see if becoming a “good” Christian will help him feel fulfilled. He also said he feels torn and whenever he’s with me he has to choose between me or god. I tried to respect his boundaries and agreed we shouldn’t have sex until he figures out christianity. He asked me to learn about christianity so I can better understand his POV. I tried my best. But ultimately for 2 weeks we were just arguing and I was asking a lot of logical questions regarding Christianity that came off as me questioning the religion. It’s hard for me to understand as someone that grew up irreligious.
The day before he broke up with me, I suggested we spend quality time together and remind ourselves why we’re still trying and fighting for the relationship. We had a great time and both agreed it felt like when we first met. He agreed with me to work on this problem together. He actually initiated sex 2-3 times and I tried to say no cause I didn’t want him to feel guilty and use it against me, but he reassured me that he wouldn’t blame me and he agrees with me that he’s too hard on himself and he will pray about it and he’s using his free will and wants to. We slept together a couple of times, I thought we were getting better.
8 hours later after he went home he broke up with me over text saying he feels we are incompatible, and although he genuinely loves and cares for me he is no longer in love with me, and that the stress of relationship responsibilities was getting to him and he needs to find himself and be happy before committing to a relationship. He wants to stay as friends after some distance. We agreed to meet and give back each others stuff but now he’s refusing to pick up cause he doesn’t want to see me to “move on” and says I should just dump his stuff.
1. i don’t even know how to interpret “i love you but i’m not in love with you”… does he no longer see a future with me? we both have talked about marriage before and we thought we were each other’s person. is it just this rough patch making him feel this way?
2. i’m honestly really worried about his mental health. he tends to isolate himself (only talks to his best friend), has “black and white” thinking, and extreme views (ex. i can’t be with you if I’m christian). Should I leave him alone and give him space, or reach out to support him? I offered to help set him up with therapy and the offer still stands even though we broke up.
tl;dr (ex) bf broke up with me saying we’re incompatible after becoming a born again christian to fill a void in his life and find happiness. worried he’s struggling with mental health and isolating himself, not sure if i should reach out anymore.
8 comments
I mean I get you have some history with him, but it sounds like this guy has a whole lot of barriers to becoming a good partner and isn’t aligned with you anymore in terms of your values and outlook on just about anything.
So, are you wanting to continue the relationship with the guy you thought he was or who he actually is? Because if it’s the former I’m sorry to say you just weren’t paying attention- you’ve outlined a few issues that were present at the start, and he probably was able to mask a lot of things also. Around a year is when you really start to see who someone is.
At the end of the day he’s an adult who’s perfectly capable of finding therapy or support but instead of acknowledging his internal and family issues he is using religion as a way to externalize these issues and avoid working on them. So, do with that what you will.
Give him a deadline to give you your stuff and for him to pick up his stuff.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately once a man starts going into that type of cult, it’s very unlikely that he will ever be a decent partner or parent. You need to treat him like a violent junky and get yourself to safety.
Just remember you are not his property and you are not a filthy wh*re with no purpose beyond bearing his sons.
I think most Born Again Christians are in fact, mentally ill. I know that’ll get me down voted to oblivion, buts it’s the truth. They latch on to it in such an extreme way it’s a new addiction for them. There’s a correlation with addicts and being born again…
That all being said. I tried dating one for 8 months. I can not express what a nightmare it was. He was one before we met, knew I wasn’t religious. We talked for HOURS about how we would keep that part separate. But here’s the thing… they literally can’t. 1) they think they’re helping you. 2) they’re literally told to provide testimony to anyone they meet. 3) every aspect of their life is rife with guilt and sin (🙄)
My guy would want sex constantly. I won’t lie, the sex was amazing. But every month or so he would go down in a spiral of shame over it. Then try to convince me to become Christian and marry him 😂 I’d end it, he’d beg me to take him back. This went on for 8 months!!! Yes, I’m to blame too.
The end point was when after busting my ass in school, working 3 jobs, going to 43 interviews, sacrificing so much… I finally landed my dream job. I was so excited!!! I called him and he was super excited and sweet to me. About 10 minutes after the call ended he sent me a novel text about how HE had been praying for me and that it was GODS doing that I landed my dream job. He knew I hated that shit. So I went off on him, explains that Sky Daddy didn’t do this, nor did his fucking prayers. I DID THIS. He tried to gaslight me for awhile, I ended things and blocked him on everything.
The point of this babbling? I’m so much happier without dealing with his constant confusion, hypocrisy and zealousness. You care about someone so much you can’t see that you’re just sacrificing yourself for them. Born Agains tend to think the world revolves around them. Be happy you are FREE girl!!! No more of his bullshit. Wish him the best and move on, in a few months you’ll wake up realizing you’re not anxious to check your phone and see what bullshit they’re freaking out about that day. You’ll have sex with men who don’t feel shame and regret after, making you feel less than. The road ahead is awesome. ❤️
Sounds like he’s gone down the rabbit hole looking for himself. Until he sorts this out, he’s not going to be fit for a relationship with anyone. I don’t think you can do much more for him than to let him know the door is open if he wants to talk. This is something he’s going to need to sort out on his own.
Hey, you sound like a very compassionate person! I think you’ve gotten some stellar advice already, I just wanna add my two cents:
>i don’t even know how to interpret “i love you but i’m not in love with you”…
Usually this means “I don’t have romantic feelings for you anymore, but you’re a person who’s a big part of my life and therefore I still care about you a lot.”
Life can be lived without religion. I went through a sorta similar situ, though not as extreme. Just the proposition of religion was essentially enough for splitsville for me. You’re young still, there are plenty of ppl like you out there that won’t impose such things. In the end it turned out good for me…like really really good, I can’t imagine going back.
I’ve worried about the mental health of more than one ex. I can tell you one thing: you will NEVER fix them. More importantly: it’s not your job.