My boyfriend and I (both early 20s) have been together for a little more than 2 years and every couple months, we somehow run into the same problem.
Basically, my boyfriend works a full time job and believes there is nothing wrong if we have little contact during the week; whether that be because he is at work, naps when he gets home, or just wants to relax and play video games. He tells me that it shouldn’t be a big deal if we aren’t talking or seeing each other 24/7 because we should feel comfortable in our relationship and just because we aren’t together everyday shouldn’t indicate that we are having problems or we love each other any less. We do basically spend every weekend together though.
However, I can’t help but feel slightly offended or sad and upset or whatever during the week, when our texts feel very limited and we don’t see each other, especially because we live only 5 minutes from each other literally. When I share these thoughts with him, he gets pretty annoyed, for lack of a better word. He asks me if I think that’s healthy to expect to always be talking or seeing each other 24/7 and that if we aren’t, then there’s a problem. One of my answers to this recently was that I shouldn’t feel like I have a boyfriend only on weekends and maybe once a week when he randomly sleeps over.
I’m not depressed or something when I’m not with him and I obviously don’t expect or even want us to be together/talk 24/7 but I can’t help but to automatically feel sad and rejected when I realize that he basically sometimes just doesn’t wanna be with me. One half of me understands that my boyfriend probably just prioritizes being alone more than I care to and the other half wonders if we’re just incompatible and if this is always gonna be a problem where I feel unloved/unwanted by him when he chooses to be alone. Or is it just not that black or white and this is one of those things couples have to deal with when it comes to their differences?
I hope this is clear enough, I tried to keep it short because I need to know if I’m just being toxic, sensitive, and spoiled. Thank you in advance.
3 comments
You’re being toxic. It sounds like he’s seriously just an adult person living an adult life with responsibilities and priorities. He’s right. Expecting him to be at your side 24/7 is a huge red flag and a sign of emotional immaturity and an insecure attachment style. Let him live his life. Live yours. Occupy yourself with something.
This is going to be blunt, but you need honesty right?
I don’t think you guys are compatible. He’s not wrong for wanting his alone time, he doesn’t need to text you all the time for you to know he loves you. In the same, you are not wrong for wanting someone who communicates more and tells you they love you a lot. And if this is an issue you guys are consistently having then you both are not right for each other. And that’s not wrong. Yes it can be sad as you do love him and I’m sure he loves you. But long term this is not going to work. You bkth will start to resent one another for not providing what the other person desires. He will find someone that matches his needs and you will find someone that matches yours. That’s all there is to it.
Your not toxic your just codependent and getting upset by boundaries your boyfriend sets, that’s why you keep “coming back to the same problem” your running the codependent cycle, or it could be a love addict/love avoidant cycle which is also based in codependency, but either way you should get some books and learn how to break your cycle and start having a healthy relationship