My girlfriend and I (30m / 30f) have had multiple fights that ended in yelling over the 4 years we been together. Some mean things were said in these fights, and it got worse when I moved to another state with her for her job. We been in another state for just over a year, and the sex stopped within a few months of the move.
Girlfriend says it’s because of the mean things I said to her in those fights that made her not desire me. I been understanding, and trying to get her the space she needs, but sometimes I become weak and make a move on her, or remind her of a time in the past we did really adventures stuff together in bed. This makes her uncomfortable, and she immediately rejects me or tells me “we don’t do that anymore because of the hurt you caused me” and then I just feel really bad and have a hard time being in a good mood afterwards.
When I start feeling bad about that after a rejection, she gets upset that she can’t “handle the rollercoaster of emotion” from me suddenly being silent and not having fun with her. I tell her I’m sorry, but I have a desire, and she takes that as me punishing her or guilting her into sex. I back off, but I can’t snap back into a happy mood afterwards and this further upsets her.
I don’t know how to approach this. I can understand where she is coming from, but I don’t want my desire to just be thrown to the side because of mistakes in our past arguments. It’s been a year and it has only grown more difficult not being with her. How should I approach her without making her feel like I am only thinking of my own needs?
**TL;DR**
Girlfriend doesn’t desire sex because of our past arguments leading into hurtful yelling. If I mention sex, or make a move, she rejects me, and I start to feel sad. I try and pretend it doesn’t bother me, but it’s been 1 year since we last had any sort of physical intimacy, and I’ve only grown to desire her more each day. I don’t want to pressure her, but I also feel like my needs are not being met. When I approach her about this, she doesn’t know what to say and we never come to a mutual understanding, just always ends in me telling her I will do better, and then still no sex. I don’t know how to approach her without feeling like a pervert.
8 comments
You all need to go to counseling or break up. She can’t continue to hold on to the past. It serves no one.
There might be a deeper reason and she’s using those past fights as an excuse. Get some counselling if she won’t sit down to discuss it.
So shes basically holding fights from the past over your head and withholding sex because of them? Its been a long time. She needs to build a bridge and get over them. It honestly sounds like you may need to end the relationship if shes harboring this much resentment toward you. Its not healthy and its not fair.
If she wants space, I’d give her space by moving back to my home state and losing her phone number at this point. A year? She can’t process and move on from arguments for a year and counting? She’s not your gf anymore, just a roommate.
I wonder if she treats her side boyfriend, or whoever she’s fucking, this bad.
Are you content with never having sex again?
I went through something similar with my wife and everything dramatically changed after reading the book “Sexual Anorexia” by Patrick Carnes, it’s also on audible, but it’s sounds like a similar issue, due to our modern culture it produces a lot of people on the sexual obsession scale, hence lots of sex addicts, but also a lot of sexual anorexics, and yes the “you bringing it up makes her not want to sleep with you” is exactly part of the avoidant cycle and plays in with their denial
she’s probably met someone else
Listen bud unless you want to be a monk or eunuch my best advice is time to move on. Because this is not gonna get any better and all that will happen in the future for you is trauma and stress. You know what you need and she is not prepared to meet that now or even short term so long term even drier!
Do you really want a life where she denies you sex because you argue. Half the fun of an argument is the make up in bed later? But she does not want that she bares denial and holds Fownhope long term grudges. Thee ain’t no long term future or happiness here buddy move on!
She is not your girl friend you are a flat mate at best? All she worries about herself? She needs space so give it to her leave you won’t the ?ex because you never had any?