Context, he plays cricket every Saturday, stays over with his parents then comes home and cleans up the flat with me on late Sunday. Meanwhile, I am living in the flat for the whole weekend.
Monday, I deep cleaned the kitchen. Tuesday I deep cleaned the lounge and bedroom. Wed-Thursday toilet and bathroom. Did three loads of washing as well during the week. We work the same hours. Cleared the hallway daily.
I cooked Friday evening, one cooks one cleans is our household thing. All he had to do was: load the dishwasher, and unload it in the morning the next day. Wipe down the surfaces, clean the sink and sweep and mop the floor.
I woke up this morning, and none of the surfaces are wiped, the dishwasher was not unloaded, and half of the dirty dishes last night in the sink, the sink was dirty after I cleaned it Thursday it was sparkling clean. He has left for the weekend leaving me again with cleaning up.
He did, sweep and mop the floor because I asked him twice that night to remember because I had cleaned all the floors multiple times and didn’t want to do it again.
I asked him about it and he said he did wipe down the surfaces and the sink but I made a sandwich on the surfaces and left cheese and didn’t clean it up after myself. Fair enough right?
If the surfaces were cleaned, would the lemon juice and seeds and pips and pasta still on them from the dinner on Friday? I pointed out and provided a video to him as he’s around his mum, he said “oh as I made a sandwich on the surface and left cheese it’s not my responsibility” as I made a sandwich when he was going to clean and he couldn’t wipe that surface. He didn’t want to clean up my mess after having a late-night sandwich.
He also claimed he cleaned the sink, but how do you clean the sink if it’s full of dirty dishes and it’s got baking soda marks in it that are easily wiped off? He then admitted he didn’t.
So I blew up at him on the phone, saying he doesn’t appreciate anything I do around the house, and listed all the chores I did. His response “it’s fine I’ll clean it Sunday night”. So I got even more angry, like unable to get words out in proper sentences angry. Hung up sorta angry. I never get this angry, I partly blame myself am having my first period in 220 days due to my coil but still.
I tried leaving it for three weeks and refused to clean it, but black mold started growing in the bathroom, dust was everywhere and triggering my asthma.
**TL;DR!** I want the flat clean for the weekend, hence why I deep clean it during the week. How do I get my bf to understand that? He doesn’t clean equally the same amount I do. How do I explain that without an argument?
14 comments
Are you perhaps upset that he goes away every weekend and stays with his parents rather than spending the weekend with you?
I would run the heck away from someone this fixated on cleaning/spending this amount of their finite time on it. Maybe I’m in the minority, but this seems excessive for the average person.
Have you checked in how he feels about your cleaning standards and expectations?
Damn he sounds like he really doesn’t care at all because it doesn’t affect him and he can foist it off on you. Maybe make the chores different. He can take on extra chores on Sunday when he gets back to make up for always leaving everything to you on Friday.
Your boyfriend sounds immature, like maybe this is his first relationship or something. I think what would help is rearranging the cleaning schedule so that your boyfriend is off the hook on Friday and instead his turn to clean is the beginning of the week.
Your arrangement just isn’t working for either of you, so instead of digging in your heels, come up with a new, fair arrangement.
Can you change the cleaning schedule? So, for example, Thursday night is when you do the big clean so it’s (mostly) tidy for the weekend?
as long as you’re so OCD, he’s gonna get away with it. Things won’t change, you either accept the man as is or throw him out. All or nothing. Also, most men are probably going to be like this. As long as you clean and keep the place tidy daily and it drives you mad, why would he clean?
Make him pay for a cleaner
I mean why would clean? You are already doing it. Then he leaves every Friday and comes back Sunday.
What are you getting out of this relationship? He gets a place to crash and free maid service.
Stop cleaning so much in each day of the week, he is just going to think you don’t mind it/enjoy it. Schedule two evening cleans with him where you both deep clean- weds and sun night. In between do you shares of dish washing and drying/kitchen cleaning.
Next time move out and stay with family or a friend. Leave right after he does and do not return until a day after he does.
If you want the flat clean for the weekend, then you should clean on Friday night. That’s the only way to ensure that it will be clean exactly when you want it to be clean.
Would he be willing to clean on Monday or Tuesday night? That way the flat is cleaned every 3-4 days consistently.
Both of you should pick up after yourselves as you go. It’s gross to just leave cheese on the counter in the middle of the night, don’t do that. You shouldn’t have to deep clean every room in your flat every week, just tidy up after yourselves.
It also sounds like the “one cooks, the other cleans” isn’t working for you because sometimes he doesn’t clean. Try something else. What if you cook together and clean together? That’s more quality time together and it also gets both of you in the habit of cleaning up as you go/immediately instead of leaving the mess for the other person to take care of later.
You can also ask him to do all the cleaning tasks together. It sounds like you have to nag him to get him to do it by himself, which is a problem. You shouldn’t have to nag him. Ask him to do all the chores together for 1 week. You can show him all the chores that you think are important, and he can also show you what he thinks is important. Examples: maybe he really hates it when you leave cheese on the counter at night and you agree to both wipe counters as you go. Maybe you really care about the sink being clean and so it’s important to unload the dishwasher in advance because otherwise you can’t clean the sink when it’s full.
It sounds like you made a bunch of rules, like you split up the chores so everything is done by one person alone, and you scheduled them based on when it’s convenient for you. But remember, it should be convenient for him too (equally for both of you). And doing chores alone isn’t the only way, you are allowed to do chores together, or even pay a housekeeper to do some of them for you. Talk about what you both want and try to find a compromise. You want a clean flat for the weekend, but maybe he wants to spend his Friday night relaxing. Your wants and his wants are equally important and you shouldn’t nag him to clean at a specific time just because that’s what you want.
For this example, maybe he should cook on Friday nights and then you can deep clean everything the way you like it. Or maybe you can meal prep together on Thursday and also clean together on Thursday, so that there isn’t a huge mess every Friday. Then you can have a relaxing date night before he visits his parents. Lots of solutions that don’t involve nagging.
he helps you clean on Sunday but you want this to happen on Friday? you should clean up after yourselves all week and clean together on a day your home.
If he can’t clean to your standard, I suggest hiring a cleaning service to come once a week (preferably Friday) and split the cost. Have them do a deep clean once a month. This is the simplest solution. Ask him to stay and watch them one time so he can learn what’s involved from a neutral 3rd party.
You are looking at your future with him the face and wishing it had a different eye color? If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.