EDIT FOR CONTEXT: I work full time overnight 12 hours as a CNA 3/4 nights out of the week. I go to college and am a single mom. I’ve been paying for everything as well as most of cleaning and all of cooking. During his unemployment I encouraged him and supported him for 2/3 months in finding a new trade which was only a few odd jobs here and there. I also communicated a few weeks ago that we needed a vacation before I start my new semester and my son starts school, or at least a day where we do a bunch of fun stuff. Well, I’m starting this semester this week and my son started school two weeks ago. He finally got caught up in his bills and I thought this meant we finally get to do something however that’s not what happened and I reacted harshly while at work on my break.
EDIT 2: He talks to his family almost every day or every other day this consists of his mom, 2 sisters, group chat with his brother and cousins, his nana & papa, uncle. He also works with his dad and his younger brother lives four doors down from us. So he’s in constant contact with his family apart from his aunt.
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 2 years and we live together. Due to him having employment issues for the past 5/6 months, we haven’t gone on many dates and the ones we have I’ve paid for.
Well, after two months of finally catching up on bills he told me he was going to take out his Aunt to a coffee shop for lunch and coffee on Sunday. I thought it was a great idea to catch up with her.
Then about an hour later, he told me since he couldn’t go to his cousins birthday party he was going to take her out to breakfast tomorrow. I started feeling a bit upset because he hasn’t asked me out yet.
Well I lost it when he called me at work to tell me he was going to take his little sister to lunch tomorrow as well.
I told him he hasn’t asked me out yet and I feel like I’m not a priority and my feelings were hurt. In the heat of the moment I told him I didn’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t think of me or put our intimacy as a priority. He sounded really quiet and said he was sorry and ok, then we got off the phone.
My texts aren’t going through but my calls are. I don’t know if he’s blocked me or straight up ignoring me but I’m panicking. I don’t know if I meant to break up.
We have been growing distant lately and I’ve been feeling pushed away. I love my boyfriend, I’m just so hurt that he didn’t think of me at all when it comes to taking me out.
I think I made a mistake and I acted too fast and now he’s not answering me at all. I think he’s done too.
I’m crying so hard at work and I can’t leave because I’m the only one here. I’m hyperventilating and having an anxiety attack because I truly believed we would one day get married and share a life and I may of ended it because I was upset he hasn’t asked me out.
What do I do? How do I fix this? And if I can’t, how do I get this pain my chest to stop?
34 comments
You are hurt that when he had money to spend he chose to spend it on his family members.. and that feeling of not being his number one choice to go out with is hurtful.
So I get why you were mad.
But you live together and been with each other longer. Just take a deep breath.. this too will pass.. you are stronger than you think.
Center yourself focus on your work for now. Message your boyfriend that you want to talk at home.. because he hurt you but by blowing up you hurt him too.
You need to sit down together and talk about why you did/said what you did and how that makes you feel.
Good luck
Put him out. 2 years? You’re being used. You’re better than being a piggy bank for a clod
I have 5 brothers, they’re generally good blokes, but sometimes those men just don’t think.
Some men can feel like a huge disappointment to their family when not having an income/job.
Has he been able to see the family lately?
Taking the family members out, is possibly just him being excited and wanting to let them know he’s back on track.
It’s terrible that he’s clearly overlooked you. But unfortunately as you live together, he may just not have made that connection.
Try sort it quickly, possibly with a message if need be.
You could point out that you hadn’t wanted to add to his worries over the past few months, but you have had some building concerns, when no jobs were in sight.
Then for him to completely overlook you, in his time of prosperity, it was like dropping a stick of dynamite into a barrel of your feelings, which is how they ended up, coming out all over the place at once.
Confirm you’re still in love with him, you’re happy for him to spend time and money on his family, but that you consider yourself part of his family – and you need to be considered and spoilt too.
Good luck
I’m going to go against the other comments here and say that you saying you want to break up without warning or communication after him taking a few of his family members to lunch was a pretty big overreaction.
If this was something you had mentioned to him and complained about already I could maybe understand, but as far as I’m aware he has no clue you were expecting a date or anything (correct me if I’m wrong here). If that’s the case your overreaction is a bigger crime than him taking a few of family members on lunch dates before you IMO.
I can understand wanting to go on a date if it’s been a while, but you should communicate that with him and give him a chance to do it or make it right before going nuclear. It should not be that easy to throw out your relationship. That is honestly the bigger issue here imo.
He might not think there was a big issue with the two of you since you live together and still get to see each other every day and might not have felt he has given his family any attention since being broke.
Seems like a giant lack of communication to me.
You went nuclear very fast. That’s pretty hard to forgive.
You overreacted way too much taking into consideration the facts that you’ve told us. Best solution is to wait for him to process what happened and then talk to him.
I hate when people make excuses for men “hur dur men don’t think dum dum sweet men”. Your bf should have realized by himself to plan a date to thank you for your support. Find someone who considers you to be a person with emotions.
After reading your post history and comments, you would absolutely be better off without this guy. He sexually assaulted you and he has zero care about your feelings. Your priority should be you and your son, staying in a dead end relationship with a lazy bum is just wasting energy you should be giving to your son. While on the surface this seems like an overreaction, with context it is clear this one situation was just the straw that broke the camels back.
INFO: Are you typically someone who has these big reactions to fairly minor disagreements? When was the last time you blew up at someone or hyperventilated?
Are you generally a reactive person?
Is it possible there was an underlying reason this really rubbed you the wrong way?
After reading all the grief you’ve been put through and helping an ungrateful person, I honestly don’t think you’re losing out on much. You’ve helped him and carried his weight long enough and he constantly tells you he’s not taking you as a priority in any way by bringing everyone else out for lunch is very telling of just how much he values you. Sounds to be he’s only around to take advantage of you. What he’s doing is beyond cruel. Regardless of all the noises if he really wants to be and stay with you then he will cause what you’ve helped him through, he owe you this and then some. If he just up and leaves cause of your one melt down cause he doesn’t even know how to properly be a decent human to paying you back what he owes you then it should be good riddances.
If you feel that you aren’t a priority then you should break up. When he finally got back on his feet he was quick to “show off” and take family members out and showing you no appreciation. One for breakfast and then another for lunch. Another day for lunch. What does he do at night then? The initial shock of the break up is hitting you hard right now but it will take time for the hurt to go away. You will need to keep busy in the meantime to stay distracted.
Honestly it sounds like you’re settling for a guy who doesn’t like to work and doesn’t give a fig about your relationship.
Hun you have been carrying so much of the load for such a long time! And the fact that he doesn’t take responsibility for his behaviour and always makes everything your fault is NOT healthy. When your partner truly loves you, they talk things out, apologize for their part, and work with you to find a compromise. And yet again, another freaking boyfriend who has no job, plays video games all day, and doesn’t pick up around the house while living off a single mother who is busting her ass trying to improve her situation for herself and her child.
At the very least, he needs to move out until he can prove to you that he’s responsible enough to get his life sorted out. He finally gets a job, and instead of paying your bills or doing something kind to say thankyou for paying my way for months, he’s out there spending it on going out to eat.
Please take a step back from your emotions and realise you are clinging to a man who has been using you for a free ride. He has been actively leeching off a single parent who has a child to feed and care for. You were absolutely correct in saying that you are not on his list of priorities. You are far far more invested in this relationship than he has been.
Please put your child’s needs first. This guy comes across pretty disrespectful, and has been taking advantage of you because of your strong feelings for him. Does he provide you with the same love and care that you provide him? Cos it feels extremely one sided. Know your worth sweetheart. Know that you and your child deserve a better man in your home than this one. He’s either got to grow up and figure out how to be an adult, or he needs to go. It’s not your job to fix him, and it’s not your job to provide for him ESPECIALLY when you already have so much going on in your life. Go back to him having his own place, and if he wants you back, he can date you. He can earn your respect first before anything else happens. You need to be especially strict on this for the sake of your kid. You get to choose who moves in to your home, your kid does not.
Over the years I’ve learnt some very important life lessons from bad relationships, the top 2 being never threaten to break up with someone during an argument and sometimes love isn’t enough.
Getting frustrated with your bf for taking out his family instead of you is understandable, I’ve been there and can sympathise. It makes you feel pretty shitty. But, as hard as it is, you need to maintain control of your emotions when you discuss how you are feeling with your partner. Threatening or just saying their actions are break up worthy can stick with them far longer than the argument does and can lead to resentment. If you want to break things off, do it. If you don’t, then don’t say it.
I commend you for supporting your bf while he was unemployed but keep in mind he is supposed to be your partner – someone who puts in the effort and time as much or in equal amounts as you do. You already have so much happening in your own life, you can’t be expected to pick up his slack while he sits at home, unemployed and playing video games. That’s not a partner, that’s a dependant. While you may love him, if he’s not bringing the same energy to the table as you are, then love may not be enough for the relationship to be as fulfilling as you want it to be.
I can’t speak for your mental health, but I’ve had similar reactions with past partners before and it’s ultimately meant that I was unhappy with the relationship and felt like I was losing control of my life. Change, like a break up, terrified me but looking back I wish I’d seen it sooner. Take that vacation you mentioned and think things over with a clearer mind. Or even just a day off, with some self care like a spa day or whatever makes you feel happy and relaxed. You just might need a mental break from your busy life to reflect and sort out how you’re feeling. Then talk to your bf and just be honest.
I hope it all goes well OP.
Do you believe you deserve better? If you do, move on. If you’re okay with his behavior then apologize and continue to put up with it. He’s financially irresponsible and unstable, maybe a little bit immature and very much inconsiderate. If you want to be with someone like this while you work so hard, go for it.
You broke with him because deep down you knew that you weren’t a priority. You’re not number one. And he has been number one to you.
Let him go. You did the right thing. This has happened to me but I didn’t listen to my gut. I tried harder to make him see that I was important to him. Still ended.
You are second guessing yourself because a big part of you was wanting him to say that you are his number one and he’ll change his priorities for you.
That’s not going to happen. Withdraw, don’t spend anymore energy chasing him. Use your energy to grieve and recover from this loss. Because it is a loss. You have lost 😞 what you hoped for. He is not the man you slaved for all those months. That man never existed.
Why do so many people put up with lazy significant others? The man cant hold a job….pathetic. itd be different if he had a job for a long time, and lost it and unemployed for awhile. But then got a job again and kept it. But to not even bother for a real job while in a relationship is pathetic and sad. Leave his ass and find someone who wants to tackle life together
Face it. He used you to get back on his feet and don’t need you anymore. Where were all of these people when he was homeless and BROKE?!?!? You were only a placeholder. Now put him out. It’s not like you’re losing half of the rent and bills with him leaving
You would be 100% better off without this loser in your life. You seem to have convinced yourself that you love him but, by your own admission, he is a leech and doesn’t put any work into your relationship so what do you love about him exactly?! Perhaps being single again is scary but it’s better than being drained by a selfish, lazy man-child (your comments are insightful) in all ways – emotionally, mentally and financially. You need to take better care of yourself and your child cause it’s clear this dude is not going to do it. You deserve more.
Not to be harsh, but be glad that the trash took itself out. The man adds zero value to your life. You’re doing everything and I do mean EVERYTHING so what is he there with you for? Oh that’s right, a free ride, imo. He had himself a bang maid and seems to have treated you as such. Shame on him.
You need to stand up for yourself and not settle for that kind of bs from any man. You deserve so much better, OP. You deserve a partner that helps you, not hurts you. You’re both supposed to support each other, not one doing nothing while the other does everything.
I think you should take some time to heal yourself and then when you’re feeling confident and understand what your true deal breakers are in a relationship, you can find someone new to start over with. Not before you’ve healed alone first though. That’s the key.
Please seek out a therapist in person or do some online therapy using video chat with a certified /qualified therapist if you need the added support.
Best of luck to you, OP, and please update us soon. Everything will be okay. Sending you comforting hugs in the mean time. 🫂
Drop this inconsiderate bum. It ain’t going to get any better.
You did not make a mistake. This is harsh right now for you but he does not feel towards you the same as you feel towards him.
His family comes before you and and it’s good that you figured it out now. He contributed nothing to the relationship and you deserve better. Grieve for what wasn’t and then move on.
You sound like you have a lot going for you and there is much better out there for you. Eventually you’ll see this as a positive.
I read your post and edit, and I’m not really sure that you didn’t do the right thing.
Sometimes, in long term relationships, it’s like we emotionally cross the “I’m all in, no matter what” invisible mental line. I’ve done it, so I know.
At that point, you excuse a lot of behaviors you wouldn’t normally excuse. An example would be you continuing to cook and clean while he was unemployed and you’re working AND going to school. In what world is that OK? In the world of “I’m all in, no matter what”, that’s where.
His unemployment and lack of financial contribution for such a long period of time is also a huge issue. If you had just met him, would you move in with someone who was unable or unwilling to make an equal or near equal financial contribution to the household? I think not.
I get it. You’re scared. But, deep down inside you *know* you haven’t been getting what you need and deserve out of this relationship. Thst’s why your subconscious pushed those words out of your mouth.
So, take a deep breath and think about what your relationship has become. Is it joyful, caring and supportive for *both of you* most of the time or are you just “there” with each other? It’s a big thing to consider. Good luck. Listen to your gut.
I’m torn. I honestly believe that you had a gut reaction and went with it in the moment and that you are now regretting it when your conscious mind realized the implications. In this situation, I agree with your gut instinct. You are better off without him.
What you might try in the future is called an “I feel” statement.
“When you (action) I feel (your feelings)”
So the conversation could have gone “when you choose to spend all of your money on your family while financially and emotionally depending on me, I feel like I’m an after thought. Like I’m being used and ignored. I don’t like this feeling and I’m not happy when my relationship leaves me feeling this way.”
This statement conveys the severity of the issue, and points out that his actions have real consequences. But it doesn’t assume intent. It simply states that one action is being perceived and responded to in a certain way.
Usually, this kind of statement is followed by “I didn’t mean that at all! ….but now that you spell it out I can see how it could be taken that way.”
Honestly, I don’t think this relationship is healthy or worth continuing, but if you really want to, then use the I feel statements to help your BF see things from your perspective.
He’s punishing you as a form of manipulation. He’ll be back. Moochers always come back. Please don’t let him. Show your child what a self respecting woman looks like. You deserve so much better.
Doesn’t seem like he’s prioritizing you at all. In fact, seems like he’s comfortable letting you pick up the majority of the heavy lifting in running the household – basically using you. Or he could just be super-dense.
I agree with most of the comments…maybe you’re better off without this guy. Scrap the maybe.
Girl,after reading your post history, let this man go.why are you putting a grown ass man as a priority when you have a son and yourself to worry about? You don’t need him. He knows what he’s doing and how it makes you feel he simply doesn’t care and he knows you won’t leave him so he’ll continue to push you away and treat you like less of a priority. For you and your kids sake I would say try and hold off on dating for a bit and heal yourself..
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this but he needs to step it up and obviously he’s not. You have so much going for you, don’t let this lazy, entitled jerk take away your potential.
It seems like it’s absolutely draining you. Let it go and if it mattered to him, he will be begging for you to come back. Trust me, internet stranger. They will ALWAYS come back because sooner or later they realize just how good they had it with you and just how much they fucked up!
After reading your previous posts, you need to leave. You need to leave fast, and cut off all contact with this man.
What does he bring to the table? Why do you love him? Really ask yourself if you are getting ANYTHING positive out of this relationship. Because it sounds like he got more out of than you ever did. It would better to be alone than supporting a guy who who doesn’t value your worth. Doesn’t your son deserve better?
I feel like this is me 🫤 but with my dude we both don’t live with each other. We both have kids from our first relationship.
Sweetie
This isn’t just about you! It’s also about your baby.
If you stay in relationships like this your baby will think this is normal and someone will undervalue him as well. You as a mom have to think about that.
Now
For you let’s put your bada$$ self on a pedestal for a minute. Look at everything you are doing for him, your son and yourself. He’s not helping you!!!! He CANT EVEN GET OFF HIS LAZY BUTT AND MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL!!! That’s ridiculous 😒. You’re amazing. Stop letting him tell you, you’re not!
You deserve better. Please get someone that actually wants deserves you.
That takes the time to show you and say I love you. .
Anxiety tricks
Name movies
Or things around the room.
I’m here if you want to talk.
Hugs 🌻 🌻🌻🌻
I wish you the best.
You’ve got this
OP, honey…mom, here…also been there/done that. Please don’t fall victim to the fallacy that any man is better than no man. You are complete in yourself. Please spend some time, do the work, internalize that fact. Loneliness is hard, but being lonely *in a relationship* is a special kind of hell. This man does not deserve you. Please do not allow him to suck any more time, energy, and resources from you. He brings nothing to the table. You deserve to be loved, cherished, and prioritized by a true partner.