I slept with someone else, before our first date

40 comments

1. You are not in a relationship with either of them, so no you didn’t cheat.

2. Do nothing. You did nothing wrong.

   If a guy I was dating “confessed” to me that he slept with his ex before we’d even started dating, I would end things. Not because he slept with his ex but because this level of anxiety about something that’s not wrong to begin with is very unattractive.

   I can’t even comprehend why you’d think this was cheating or that you fucked up. But telling her would most certainly be a fuck up.

3. Nah. It’s ok. As long as you wash your hands after.

4. No. You did nothing wrong. This is also something you don’t volunteer because there’s nothing to confess. You were asked on a first date, you were not in a relationship. This isn’t even a situation where you have gone out with someone multiple times and exclusivity hasn’t been discussed, but it may feel icky to sleep with someone else.

   Now if you’re still into your ex, do not proceed.

5. You didn’t do anything wrong, you don’t need to tell her. You didn’t cheat.

   Obviously it really didn’t feel right to you though, so you were out of integrity with yourself. Forgive yourself and try to honour what you feel is right for you in the future.

   Edit: I can be like this. I need other peoples approval so badly to tell me that I’m okay and I’m forgiven or they still like me. What actually needs to happen is I need to know I’m okay, I did something that I wish i didn’t but hey, I’m human and I have compassion towards myself for that.

   Validate yourself, forgive yourself, be okay with your humanness, don’t look to her to make you feel okay by “confessing” and getting her to soothe your guilt.

6. It’s not cheating if you don’t have any commitment. Do not tell this girl about it

7. My brother in Christ, you’re still a single man. You’re an adult that consented to and slept with another consenting adult.

   You owe your crush absolutely nothing. You’re not in a relationship with either person. As messy as it is to talk to R when she wasn’t fully single, shit happens. As messy as it is to sleep with an ex, you’re allowed to.

   You didn’t cheat on R and you didn’t do anything wrong.

   But all of this anxiety over this is troubling. If I were you (as I’m a person that dates women as well), and I was this hung up over my ex, I’d have no business dating someone new.

   Most people that match/swipe on apps are single and most are entertaining multiples and/or possibly sleeping with others until y’all decide to be exclusive.

8. I actually think it’s sweet you’re so worried about it. I wouldn’t tell her, but rather try easing away from contact with your ex so as not to put yourself in any of these compromising positions anymore where things like this could happen. The new girl is probably better off not knowing as it would just create unnecessary drama. Just focus on her from this point and good luck, I hope it works out!!

9. You didn’t cheat. So stop worrying about this and enjoy your first date! Seriously, this is not worth wasting any more time worrying.

10. You arent in a relationship with either of them. She asked you out for drinks. Thats a date, not an exclusive relationship.

11. You’re a single man who had sex with a single woman and is about to go on a date with another single woman. That’s a normal thing that happens. None of you people are in a relationship and none of you people are in an exclusive situation. For all, you know she could hook up with two guys right before your date. And that’s perfectly fine too. Nothing good will come from bringing this up to her, maybe you would feel better about it for about 20 minutes before she dumps you for either looking weak or because she actually considered it cheating.

12. Your beating yourself up over nothing

13. This isn’t cheating at all… drop that bag of guilt. Maybe she also slept with folks in the past before your first date

14. There’s literally no reason to tell her. You and her were not exclusive when she asked you on a date, so you having sex with your ex is honestly no one’s business but your own. Do you have a habit of self sabotaging yourself? Because if you do tell her you had sex with your ex before meeting up with her for the date, you’re going to ruin any chance of a relationship with this woman. Do not do that.

15. You owe nothing to anyone. Not even on a moral/ethical level.

    I see no reason to bring it up, ever. She might be into you, but she also owes you nothing. You really think a girl who just ended a relationship isn’t out “exploring”?

16. No its not cheating

17. You did absolutely nothing wrong, period. Especially nothing wrong to R, you weren’t dating, she told you not to wait, life happens. To keyboard analyze as we all do and sometimes appreciate, is this a manifestation of the emotional toll that sleeping with your ex has on you?

    It’s understandable the situation you got into with your ex. Wanting to help, adding alcohol, then providing a familiar closeness to someone in need; on the surface there’s nothing wrong with any of that, it’s really caring. Unfortunately it sounds like it was giving too much of yourself and not just from a sexual standpoint but emotionally. How do you think you would be feeling if you hadn’t have had sex but had still provided familiar emotional physical closeness, say cuddled intimately in bed and slept over?

    If it were me in this situation I think I’d be feeling like I did something wrong but not really to R. I think I’d be feeling like I gave something of myself that I didn’t want to, that I was pulled back (by my own doing, or my ex’s or a little of both) into a relationship that I’m no longer remotely interested in. I’ve personally been there and it’s a really hard boundary to set up as the care you have for an impactful ex can be strong, and setting up your boundaries and sticking to them is a really hard process but an important one.

    I hope you feel better about things soon. You sound like an incredibly caring person who really did nothing wrong.

18. Don’t tell her anything, u guys are not talking at that time.

19. You know what’s troubling? You have a bunch of reasonable people here telling you that you did nothing wrong and you’re insistent on convincing them and yourself otherwise. Why?

20. What the hell is your definition of cheating?

21. You aren’t in a relationship with this lady. You’re going on a first date with her. If you tell her “confess” in your mind. That you slept with your ex before y’alls date that might make her run for the hills. And not because you banged your ex. But because it’s weird and off putting, that you’re feeling guilty and like you’re lying to her about it. Which makes no sense just because you have known her for a while. Most logical thinking people would be like wtf? why is this person telling me this when we’re not exclusive and it’s literally a first date. There was no cheating involved in your situation.

22. You definitely did not cheat and I’m someone who has strict definitions of cheating. You hadn’t even gone on a date yet. Don’t beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong

23. You didn’t cheat because you haven’t even left the starting gate with “R”. You did nothing wrong.

    The only problematic part of this is you suggesting you were “used by your ex” instead of taking responsibility for your role in that. Sleeping with an past partner is common and sometimes a little shameful, but don’t act like you were manipulated into it.

24. This might help you come to terms and not feel guilty. It sounds like you’re not very experienced. You haven’t yet learned how much of a let down a first date can be. You can go into a first date with super high hopes and you should but sometimes there’s just zero chemistry. There is literally no reason to be guilty about anything that happens before that first date. It might crash and burn anyways if you don’t have chemistry. Then you’d be all worked up for SUPER no reason.

25. No . Of course not .

26. Unless you have agreed to be sexually exclusive, you are not free to have sex with whoever you want.

27. Oye vey.

28. It would be very alarming for me if I was R and you shared this with me and apologized for cheating. In addition to what everyone else has already said, I would assume you had very outside the norm definitions of cheating and I would walk away. Being friendly with a male server? Having a work lunch with male coworkers? I would assume you might be quite controlling

29. No it’s not

30. You fucked up yes but no you did not cheat. Cheating requires a relationship which isn’t there yet. To be perfectly honest I would never mention it again. I would not hide or lie about it just don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing.

31. So first off a first date is not a relationship so you did nothing wrong from an integrity standpoint. There’s nothing to come clean about.

    It’s cool if it doesn’t feel good- sleeping with an ex is messy, you’re realizing maybe you did it for the wrong reasons, etc. It’s ok to feel shitty, that’s a learning opportunity not to do the thing that went against your values and to set better boundaries in the future.

    This regret and betrayal of your own self has literally nothing to do with R, though. You need to re-evaluate why you feel the need to over-share and come clean to her, because it sounds more like a need for reassurance for you than something you are doing for R and for the potential relationship.

    No one’s saying keep it a secret to the grave either, but for goodness sake don’t dump this at her feet.

    Do you have someone you can talk about this with? A trusted friend, therapist, etc? If you need to talk about it to work through it, they’re the first ones to go to.

32. I am the same type of guy and have been in the same sort of situation in the past. You don’t want to undermine what *might* be a future relationship, BUT you have to look at the facts.

    You are NOT in a relationship with “R” even though you want to be and have developed feelings for her. You owe her no explanation nor even to know you slept woth someone else. Only when you both agree to be in a committed relationship should you feel guilty.

    As for banging the ex…. it happens. It was someone you still feel comfortable with, you both still know what each other like, it’s easy, it doesn’t rise your body count (if you care about those things). If you regret it, work on that and move on. Don’t poison what could be a good thing in the beginning by sharing something you are not proud of. If this happened after you and “R” had started dating, then you should feel bad. Right now she is out of the picture, you (and she) can both hook up with whomever you want to with no shame.

    If you still feel guilty look at it like this: say you and “R” go out a time or 2, nothing serious, and she ghosts you out of nowhere. Then she is just another failed start. Would you feel bad about hooking up woth your ex randomly before a date with a girl who would eventually ghost you? You shouldn’t. Stop dreaming about what could be and focus on what is now. She said don’t wait for her, so you live your life, meet up with her, see where things go. You have nothing to feel guilty about as a single man approaching a single woman

33. Don’t tell her! It’s not her business since you weren’t together yet!
    Talking too much about a PAST relationship can destroy a new one; i know from experience.
    If you tell her, you will regret it! The past should STAY there!!

34. As someone who would feel like you do. I appreciate this post. Many people these days sleep with people as casually as handshakes.

    Nowadays, people only sleep with ONE person after they are “exclusive”.
    Talking->dating->exclusive.

    To today’s standard, sleeping with other people during talking and dating is “okay”, but when you’re exclusive you are cheating.

    However that being said, I like to give my full attention to someone during “talking.” And so on. For my own conscience. Maybe I’m old fashion. Or just lazy to remember facts about many guys at the same time. Lol.

    Anyways. It sounds like a one off. I think you’re okay. (However I understand your pain)

    Just do NOT talk to your ex again. Do not. Not even a little. ZERO response. ZERO. Zero zero zero. You have control over who you allow into your life.

35. You are both single so no, you didn’t cheat, and you wouldn’t have cheated even if you’d gone on your first date. It would only be considered cheating if you’d both established that you’re an exclusive couple. Don’t worry!

36. Not cheating in the slightest. From my understanding you had never even met her in person yet when you slept with your ex?

37. You don’t owe her royalty because of you have a crush on her 🤦🏻‍♀️for gods sake. I know how you are feeling but that’s literally not cheating

38. Dude, chill. Literally doesn’t matter. You had a one nighter with an ex. Happens all the time.

39. I think you don’t feel like it’s cheating on this girl you just went on a date with, I think more either you feel sorry for yourself for allowing yourself to fall back into the arms (or other parts) of your ex. Or you still have feelings for your ex that you haven’t come to terms with. It’s not so much the new girl (R), but it’s more about you and the ex.

40. You can assume she might have slept with her ex up until the moment they broke up, the point being is that asking someone out isn’t a commitment and to assume you are off limits because of a potential date is wrong. Up until the date, she still could have been sleeping with her ex, she could have met someone else, she could have even canceled the date. Up until that point and even after, there is no commitment until a commitment is agreed upon.

    You feel bad because you like her, but you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t see the point in telling her. If there is ever a conversation where it seems fitting to mention it, tell her but don’t be specific, say something like you hooked up with your ex a couple weeks before your went on your first date but to just tell her now likes its a confession is going to scare her into thinking you are obsessed with her and consider yourself in a relationship already. You really were free, just because you feel bad doesn’t mean it was wrong. Just let it go and be happy, you will ruin your relationship with her or any chance of one, if you tell her this. You might have the idea that telling her might make you look like a good honest guy, but its just weird and its you trying to clear your conscience of something that you probably shouldn’t have done to begin with. Don’t put this on her. Plus honestly that line about your ex using you, makes you sound weak to me, she didn’t use you, you allowed it to happen.

    If are getting caught up in minor details of the situation, moving forward you shouldn’t do anything you wouldn’t want her to do but what happened before is irreverent.