My boyfriend’s first girlfriend emails him an apology email saying she’s sorry for their relationship ending (minor cheating) and for blocking him when he started dating someone new. It’s been 8 years since they broke up. She said she’s tried to email him for years but didn’t have the courage. She’s supposedly married. My boyfriend wanted to email her back to say it’s totally fine and that he’s doing good. I didn’t want him replying at all. She’s now in her best shape and is in her last year of pharmacy school and I don’t think her husband would be happy her messaging her first boyfriend even if it’s an apology letter. I don’t understand why my boyfriend thinks it’s better for him to reply so he can ease her feelings and ignore me not feeling good about it. Girls don’t just message their exes to apologize for things that happened 8 years ago and even if she just meant to apologize, why does he need to reply? She apologized and apologies don’t mean someone owes you forgiveness so why do you need to reply? Isn’t it normal people not wanting their SO to talk to their ex? I just don’t like his attitude of blaming me of being crazy.
23 comments
Spoken from a guys point of view. Did she ask to meet, have lunch, anything along those lines, or just reach out and apologize? I, personally don’t see an issue with emailing back to acknowledge the apology, but where I would see an issue would be if they start excessive calling / texting / lunches / etc…
Sometimes people who have been in the wrong just need some form of closure and to help ease some level of guilt.
The bigger question I for you to think about is why wouldn’t you trust him to speak to an ex from 8 years ago? Are there underlying current relationship issues, or are you letting some baggage you may carry into these feelings?
Not trying to be an ass with that comment, usually any time I’ve had these feelings when in a relationship, it was less about my level of trust for my SO, and more about baggage I was holding onto from previous relationships.
TLDR: If you trust him and your relationship, you have nothing to worry about.
She probably has felt guilty all this time and wants some closure. I don’t see the big deal in him telling her all is forgiven and to have a great life.
You could reach a compromise so your bf can send only one email to tell her it’s fine and no more communication. So that if she’s genuine she can have closure. If she’s not he’s not going to reply anymore.
He sucks for calling you crazy, but this is a little controlling. I think the question you should be asking yourself is “what problem am I trying to solve by telling him not to communicate with his ex?” If the answer is “I’ll feel better,” keep examining and asking why. Because either he’s trustworthy and nothing will happen, or he isn’t, and nothing you do will stop something from happening.
He should ignore her honestly. I agree with you on this.
I’m not going to call anyone “crazy,” but I do think you’re overreacting about this.
She treated him badly. She feels remorseful for hurting him and wants to make amends. That’s a normal thing to do and a kind gesture. Your boyfriend was transparent with you about her communicating with him, her message is innocuous, and all he wants to send back is an equally innocuous note to let her know her apology is accepted.
What are you worried about here? It’s obvious he has no intention of rekindling anything with her, so even if she does have some sort of ulterior motive, who cares? If she messages him again trying to start a continued conversation he can just ignore it or tell her that he doesn’t think it’s appropriate for them to have a friendship or whatever. At this point it’s nothing at all for him to just say “no worries.”
This isn’t a hill to die on. Gotta learn to pick your battles, and if this feels like a significant battle to you, then I think it would be a better use of your energy working on your insecurities.
The ex-girlfriend emailing him with an apology seems understandable to me. For myself I’ve had an ex-girl and girlfriend apologize to me later on in life about some bad behavior on her part. It felt good to hear.
This allows your boyfriend to achieve some form of closure on that former chapter of his life.
Honestly, you’re projecting your insecurity on to her and him. All you’re going to do is drive a wedge between you and your boyfriend.
Okay I have to ask are you TREATING him like you do NOT TRUST HIM? The way the post comes off I get your insecurities. I read your comments to others. There is no reason for him to placate her feelings over yours. If that is the case break up, he is choosing someone he hasn’t seen in 8 YEARS OVER YOU. I do have to ask though is that what the argument is actually about or are you projecting the cheating on to him and he now is defensive? Sometimes what we are arguing about can have a much deeper meaning to others so maybe he feels like you are now placing him into a category with your ex and his who did cheat. Idk but if it is all about her feelings over yours again I suggest leaving. That is NOT OKAY.
I think you’re being just a tiny bit crazy, yes. I’m a bi woman married to a man, if that makes any difference.
Well, he shouldn’t have called you crazy about it and instead should have validate your feelings. I mean, it has been 8 years, an ex is an ex. You’re his present.
I understand though why his ex messaged him for apology. Maybe it was for a closure and self-healing. Let him reply if he needs a closure too. But that should be it.
You have the right to feel this way ’cause you are the one who’s in a relationship with him. If later on, he doesn’t apologized for calling you crazy, contemplate why you’re with him in the first place.
Everyone’s boundaries are different and he is disrespecting yours, especially by calling you crazy for them!! I’m with you on the whole apology thing, I personally think it’s very odd to be reaching out after years of no contact and married to someone else. And from what you said in replies, it seems like he is prioritizing her feelings over yours and belittling how you feel.
it was 8 years ago, i don’t think there’s any harm in him replying. also, he told you about the email, right? he’s not trying to hide anything. i do think you’re overreacting but i can understand being uncomfortable with them having contact. can u ask to read the email before he sends it and for him to let you know if she reaches out again? that way you can both be a little more comfortable
> Girls don’t just message their exes to apologize for things that happened 8 years ago
I find this statement ridiculous. “Girls” can be decent human beings too.
Life is to short to not give each other respect and kindness.
I’m kind of concerned that you think it’s not the right thing to do.
Edit: that’s my comment overall. But this guy cheated on you and clearly doesn’t care or respect you. You should be asking if you should leave, not about some email reply.
Yes you’re a crazy girlfriend.
That’s because he want to keep the communication going. And yes she is thinking about him. If he continues then you are no longer a priority for him. Don’t try to hold on to the relationship if this is the case. Watch his behaviors. It’s when someone calls you crazy that they are doing shady stuff.
There’s a good chance that he doesn’t care about her at all…like so little that he’s like what the hell, why not just tell her it’s all good and good luck.
It was 8 years ago and she’s married. I get your apprehension, it’s strange. But it’s nothing to go crazy gf mode for.
according to a comment made, op’s boyfriend literally cheated on her in front of her. i’d honestly feel icky about it too, especially if he called me crazy for not being comfortable with it. he can say he doesn’t remember it and he’d never do that all he wants, but he did, and she saw. op you’re not crazy, even if he hadn’t done that in the past i understand being a little uncomfortable. however, i don’t believe her sending him an apology was done with malicious intent on her part at all. and him responding does not mean he doesn’t care about your feelings (minus him invalidating them and calling you crazy,) that was an experience for *him,* not you, and he’s well within his rights to accept that apology if he so chooses. i think maybe couple’s therapy would help y’all a great deal.
I think that’s totally normal. I would really like to experience the same situation in which my ex apologizes and explains things I still don’t understand, and hopefully be able to be in peace. Just to end everything among us, but to end it totally.
Also, I think it’s not a situation in which you can have an opinion, because is something between the two of them, nor you, nor her husband, nor anyone else.
If she wants to apologize: that’s good for them both
If your boyfriend wants to apologize: that’s good for them both
If she wants to get back with him there are two options:
1- he comes to the conclusion of permanently forgetting her, in which case, that’s good for you both, or
2- he is also interested in her. That’s good for you, so you would know the reality and make you a favour forgetting him (if that were the case, something that you don’t know yet).
It’s his decision, and you (or anyone else) cannot decide what he must do, that could be harmful for himself, and that would be reflected in your relationship.
I have had several really bad relationships where I ended up being emotionally and mentally abused. Two of my exes reached out to me YEARS later to apologize and admit they were wrong in how they treated me. While I was with someone in a happy relationship. I responded with a simple, “Thank you for the apology” and left it at that. It is 100% up to him whether he wants to acknowledge her and how he wants to handle it. Whether he forgives her or just simply thanks her for the apology. It isn’t up to you to decide whether he needs to answer her for his own closure or not. And, while he doesn’t have to respond or acknowledge her, she had every right to reach out and apologize for something if she feels she wronged someone. You aren’t being “crazy”… But you are being insecure and controlling. If you don’t trust your boyfriend, then you have far bigger problems then an ex from 8 years ago…
I read to the point where you said it was “minor cheating” because HIS EX sent an apology email.
If you think that is minor cheating, I’ll answer your question in the topic. I believe you to be a crazy girlfriend.
To everyone who read my post. I didn’t expect so much feedback. But no comments needed anymore. I’m breaking up with him. I do need someone who takes my emotions in inconsideration. Again, I never asked him not to reply. I just told him I felt uncomfortable (since he’s cheated on me before) and bc he said his ex was prettier (Explained in one of the comments in the thread). I just wanted him to be considerate of me rather than calling me crazy. This is the type of guy who will meet his old fuck budy for drinks without telling me even though she likes him bc he thinks I’m crazy to be uncomfortable with that. He’s the type of guy when I’ve gotten into a bad car accident to not answer his phone because he’s gaming and when he finally does, gets annoyed that he has to pick me up. Mind you I’m having PTSD crying on the phone bc I’ve been bed ridden for 3 months from an accident before and he’s half listening bc he’s still clicking away and gaming. He’s manipulative and yes I’ll say I’m insecure but he had a big role in that. Every argument, I never raise my voice bc I’m crying from his scary yelling, even when he cheated on me. Hell no Im out. Peace.
I would message her husband. And yes I’ve been the crazy girlfriend.
So many take my advice with a grain of salt. My option brings drama.
So I seen you said in another comment he’s cheated, had a fuck buddy and he compares you to ex girlfriend’s. So all other comments aside now saying that it’s for closure… you have an absolute right to feel insecure and off about it. But that being said, girl…… leave. Stop letting him do this shit to you.