Hi all.
My boyfriend and I have been together since we were 18. We moved in together less than a year ago. Before moving in, multiple friends of ours ‘warned’ me about how much time he spent online playing videogames. I shrugged it off – I knew he was big into gaming, but it had never gotten in the way of our dates and spending time together.
However, since we’ve moved in I’ve been blow away, in a bad way. Gaming, and just being in front of a screen in general, is literally ALL he does. Granted, he does a variety of things while in front of that screen – he games, he streams, he watches YouTube, and so on (but gaming with his friends is definitely the bulk of it). But whatever it is, it’s always in his office, in front of his computer, with his door closed.
If I ask him to hang out with me, he’ll do it without question. Otherwise, he’s in front of the computer. If I’m not asking him to hang out, he’ll be there at least 6 hours a night (finishes work at 6:30, stays on until 1 am). Same goes for the weekend. He’ll do his chores and hang out if I ask, but otherwise, he’ll spend all afternoon, evening and night online (and stay up until more like 3am).
I just don’t know if I’m justified in hating this. It doesn’t get in the way of his housework (and to his credit, he does basically all of the household chores as I am currently studying for the bar exam about 70 hours a week). It doesn’t get in the way of us hanging out. The best way I can put it is that I am just so, utterly and completely turned off that that’s how he spends his fre time. I feel like I’m dating a potato. His default is literally just “sit in front of a screen for hours”.
I think that what it comes down to is that I want to date someone who is more engaged with the world around us. Who has personal goals, a diversity of hobbies, challenges themselves, has motivation and drive and interest in learning more skills. I personally don’t think that’s crazy (I think this is what most people want). I’ve told him that, and asked that he just try and cultivate some different interests, even if it’s just spending half an hour in the evenings learning a recipe, going on a walk, ANYTHING that makes me look at him like an active member of society and not some NPC glued to a screen.
But whenever I talk to him about it, and I have told him exactly the above (minus the NPC stuff), he hits back with “well, this is who I am.” He gets upset at me for asking him to change. Personally, this frustrates me, because I think it’s problematic to claim to have an identity in sitting behind a screen all day and night while life passes you by. Is it really asking someone to fundamentally change to suggest they take half an hour out of their evening to do something other than sit in front of a screen?
Anyways. I’m just wondering what the feeling on this is on Reddit, because my bf makes me feel like I’m crazy for having an issue and wanting things to change. I don’t like feeling like if I wasn’t home or around, he would sit in front of a screen indefinitely – it makes me feel like I have a teenage son that I need to ‘regulate’. I really, really think this is a serious problem and I can’t picture spending the rest of my life, and having kids with, someone who just wants to sit in front of a screen all the time. Please help me out with your perspectives – am I the problem, or is he?
\*\*TL;DR\*\*: my boyfriend spends all his free time in front of a screen and it drives me crazy. it doesn’t impact the time we spend together or the housework, necessarily, so he doesn’t see it as a problem, and I do. Am I the problem?
10 comments
There is no need to decide who the problem is – you aren’t happy and this isn’t the type of partner you want. Period. It’s your life and you get to mske that perfectly reasonable choice to leave this relationship and find someone you *can* picture spending your life with.
History together and him not treating you horribly or still loving him — none of those are reasons to stay by themselves. This is not the future you want, it’s okay to make choices that reflect that
Give him a new daily chore to initiate 1 activity without a computer screen
>I think that what it comes down to is that I want to date someone who is more engaged with the world around us. Who has personal goals, a diversity of hobbies, challenges themselves, has motivation and drive and interest in learning more skills. I personally don’t think that’s crazy (I think this is what most people want). I’ve told him that, and asked that he just try and cultivate some different interests, even if it’s just spending half an hour in the evenings learning a recipe, going on a walk, ANYTHING that makes me look at him like an active member of society and not some NPC glued to a screen.
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>But whenever I talk to him about it, and I have told him exactly the above (minus the NPC stuff), he hits back with “well, this is who I am.” He gets upset at me for asking him to change.
In which case, you should break up with him. He doesn’t want to change, and you don’t like the person who he is (because that person’s go-to activity is always gaming). If he did change, it would be at your request, not because he genuinely *wanted* to.
Your leaving him, or other future prospects doing the same thing, might clue him into the idea that non stop gaming isn’t too attractive a hobby and it might benefit him to cool it down a bit… But that decision has to come from within him.
Neither of you are the problem. Part of living together is learning if your lifestyles are compatible. It sounds like you have learned they are not.
He has made it pretty clear he is not going to change. You might see it as a problem, but he just sees it as who he is. And if he is happy with his life there’s not really anything wrong with that. He’s working, taking care of his responsibilities, and not hurting anyone. Maybe you could “regulate” him but that is just going to make him resentful and you bitter.
If a relationship is not making you happy you have every right to leave. You don’t need to justify it beyond that. You should be with someone who wants to live the same kind of life you do. And so should he.
NAH. I almost went with Y T A just because of the way you describe him. Sure, I understand it’s not “up to your standards”, but comparing him to some NPC because you feel like he isn’t an active member of society? That’s a little low, people are different from you and it is not a bad thing. You knew he was like that, he doesn’t need to be fixed or changed. You’re just not compatible, doesn’t mean something’s wrong with him.
You sound like you’re a really unhappy person. You should go out and find someone else who hated when other people have fun.
>I think that what it comes down to is that I want to date someone who is more engaged with the world around us.
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>But whenever I talk to him about it, and I have told him exactly the above (minus the NPC stuff), he hits back with “well, this is who I am.”
Two things that came to mind: emotional non-relating and avoidance/addiction.
Dr. Gabor Mate defines addiction as: “any behaviour that gives a person temporary relief and pleasure, but also has negative consequences, and to which the individual will return time and again”
Based on Gabor’s definition, workaholism for example, and your bf’s reliance on the computer, would be classified as an addiction. In your case, one of the negative effects is what you’re experiencing – disconnection, a severing of attachment in the relationship. Addictions, by definition, are avoidant behaviors. Dr. Mate believes we rely on addictions to avoid dealing with our traumas. Who knows what sorts of trauma or emotional difficulty your bf is avoiding by getting lost in his pc…
Alan Robarge speaks extensively on emotional non-relating on his youtube and fb page. It’s exactly what you’re experiencing, being with someone who is there and who interacts with you but who, generally, isn’t emotionally present. More often than not, we are attracted to this characteristic in others because it is familiar to us.
So something to think about is what does it mean that you were attracted to (and attracted) someone who is emotionally unavailable?
>I really, really think this is a serious problem and I can’t picture spending the rest of my life, and having kids with, someone who just wants to sit in front of a screen all the time.
So why are you still dating your boyfriend? He hasn’t changed in the last 7 years.
>Please help me out with your perspectives – am I the problem, or is he?
Neither of you is “the problem”. You’re just not compatible, and you’ve had your head buried in the sand for 7 years.
I’m somewhat in the same situation. I knew my bf gamed alot from the start so I knew what I was “getting into” I guess.. But he used to have hobbies to and actually get out of the house sometimes but that slowely just stopped. Iv never really had a problem with him gaming as much as he does tbh, but I did/do feel like he is wasting his life or could get a really good job because he is pretty smart.
But for a guy that games I can tell you now if he gamed before he knew you, or even if he did..He will never give up gaming and probaby very unlikely that he will change. He’s happy doing what he’s doing and doesn’t see a problem. If he is still spending time with you and does his chores then it makes it sound okay…Although I don’t think being on a computer all day is good regardless. It seems that If he doesn’t want to change and happy to keep doing what he’s doing then your probaby going to keep feeling unhappy. I don’t want to say it’s your problem but in a way it kind of is, you want to be with someone who isn’t going to spend all there time on a computer even if they do spend time with you, and if he doesn’t see a problem and he’s happy how things are then..yeah it probaby is your problem. (Even though sitting on a computer all day isn’t really okay). In most cases guys will always put there computer before there gf…as sad as it is it’s true.
Out of curiosity, what types of things do you usually do when your bf is gaming?
I ask because I relate somewhat to what you wrote here, especially the part of not feeling really justified in not liking it. And while you say you it doesn’t get in the way of you two hanging out, it’s definitely not a nice feeling to always feel like you have to be the one to initiate/ask to hang out.