Hello! Thank you for anyone who comments on this. Hope your day is well.
I will try to be short. Me (25 F) my partner (28M) have been together 4 years. We have both been financially struggling since we started dating so we have never had a lot of disposable income together or separate. Due to this we always struggled to buy everyone in our family gifts but we managed to get it done. When budgeting for Christmas I always saved up money on the side for his gifts. Normally I would buy them a few things that would range in total from $80-$200 depending on how much I had. On his birthdays I usually would spend less around $50. The first two years we were together he bought me one thing for Christmas each year usually a piece of jewelry around $80 and I was thrilled. For my birthdays it was usually a smaller piece of jewelry or small shopping trip to my favorite store but nothing crazy. He is not great at buying gifts at all. Thankfully my love language is not gift giving but quality time. So I’ve never even given it thought. He’s the kind of guy that goes last minute to get peoples gifts. My ex spoiled me with gifts and never wanted to see me. I felt horribly unloved. Our families spoil me at Christmas so I don’t feel left out . But when we are older that might not be the case anymore. This last year though for Christmas I told him to not get me anything and that he could just take me to a beach picnic. So he didn’t buy a gift but never did the picnic (he’s not very romantic ) I wanted to surprise him though so I got him a gift around $120. I’m not mad about this it was my idea. Then V-day comes I plan a picnic and buy some books he likes and decorated the house. It was cheap but thoughtful. He didn’t have anything for me and I didn’t even care to notice until he mentioned he felt guilty. So he later surprised me with a really nice gift I was so happy! Then my birthday… money is tight and I don’t want him to waste money on more jewelry. I communicate this to him and I send him a link to a shampoo I wanted that was 8 dollars about two weeks before my birthday. He said okay great. Birthday come and we are spending time with all my family and having fun. He left and went to the store to get me wine and flowers. I wondered where the shampoo bar was. As I’m opening gifts from my family he tells me he ordered a few things but they didn’t get here in time. I say no worries and forgot about it. Until a month or so ago. It’s been many months since my birthday and nothing came. I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to embarrass him. But I think he lied. Considering it’s not my love language I never really saw a problem except for the lying. But when friends and family ask me what’s he’s gotten me this year and I tell them they make a big fuss. So my question is beside the lying if it’s not that big of deal to me…. Should it be? My friends and family are concerned and compare it to how my ex used to spoil me. Hoping for a mans perspective here as well.
TLDR: partner is bad at buying gifts for me and has forgotten to get me gifts twice this year and possibly lied about it. Friends say it’s a very big deal but I don’t feel that as gifts are not my love language. The lying is it’s own issue if he did actually I don’t know. Am I falling for the pressure from friends and family?
7 comments
My partner and I don’t always buy each other gifts, especially if money is tight at the time. Just because society says you have to doesn’t mean anything.
But if gifts are a must between 2 people you can just simplify the process by giving each other the same $20 note back and forth until 1 person passes and leaves the other $20 richer.
Stop spending money you’re expecting to get returned evenly go low a few years he will eventually get it or you know you could talk to him
I’m not a man, but I am terrible at giving gifts so I’m hoping that I might be able to provide some insight.
As mentioned, I am THE WORST gift giver. It’s not that I don’t want to give gifts or can’t afford them or anything, it’s that I stress out about buying something they would like. I would rather give nothing instead of giving something that I’m not confident they would like. But, gift giving is a regular thing, and I can’t avoid it so I either come to an agreement with the person about NOT giving gifts (maybe going to dinner or a concert instead) or I ask for specific items that they want so that I know they’re getting something they’re happy with. It may not be as exciting, but it works.
The reason I explain this is because I think my example illustrates that someone may not always get things right, may not leave room for a “surprise”, and even may come across as a bit harsh, but you always know if they care based on their effort. I think the issue here is your boyfriend’s lack of effort is blatantly displayed by you telling him a specific, inexpensive gift that you want (shampoo – as well as having nothing for you at the picnic), and his complete failure to do that. This seems to be a deeper issue in your relationship that you may want to think about.
I think it might be wise to keep your friends and family out of your relationship. If you’re happy with the way things are, don’t let them make you feel like you should be doing things differently. Gifts absolutely aren’t that important in a relationship. Sure, they’re nice and make you feel good. But if you don’t have an issue with it, don’t make it an issue because of pressure from others.
If you have an issue with him, bring it up with him. Otherwise, be happy and don’t let others ruin a good thing. Do not compare him to your ex. That’s very unkind.
I don’t buy my wife gifts. We’re both weirdly specific about everything. I’ve almost never liked a thing that someone else bought for me.
Instead we buy each other crap kringles. Something no one could want for less than $20. She gave me stuffed toad one Christmas. I gave her a fake voucher to a 4 hour pug experience. I laugh every time I think of it. She’s really very clever but was so mortified by the gift that she didn’t see that it had to be fake. My friend who photoshopped the voucher and I were in a lot of trouble. Crap Kringle was suspended until we all recovered.
Maybe try making it more fun to overcome his resistance.
Stop telling him not to buy you anything or not to worry about it. You obviously care. Communicate that to him. What plans do you have so that money is not such a problem in the future?
Does he give you quality time?