I (24M) have been dating my girlfriend (21F) for a year now. Overall, things between us are good. There’s attraction, emotional and physical chemistry etc.
However, my girlfriend gets insecure and I find it a double standard in her behaviour. For eg. There are friends of my gf who flirt with her (ask her to be FWB etc). Even though my girl has straight away rejected it, even to the point of being rude to them. Yet she still sometimes casually talks to those guys (because they’re her friends from school).
It bothered me a little but I trust her and she shares everything, so I’m chill. In case of me, firstly, not a lot of girls openly flirt or wanna hook up with me unless I try lol, so nothing for my gf to be insecure about.
Me, my gf, and our mutual friend (a female) went out together. I tried my best to be with my gf, held her hands in between, even sneaked a small kiss. Yet after the meet, my gf was livid that I paid attention to the other girl (who keep in mind knows about our relationship and is super close to my gf).
I frankly am not attracted to the other girl in the slightest, but I did talk to her and made her feel involved with us.
My girlfriend has these occasional rants where she says “All boys are bad. All boys are cheat”. Even though I’m her first boyfriend, but she doesn’t have a good equation with her father so maybe that’s where the boys are bad comes from.
Her mother is actually the bad person. She cheats and flirts with other guys in front of her daughter and my gf actually doesn’t find anything wrong in it.
This combined with the insecurity makes me worried that there might not be a future I’ll like if I get too deep into it.
Is this sort of insecurity and fights common? Am I wrong in thinking of her family equation?
tl;dr:- Girlfriend gets insecure and fights.
9 comments
So she’s clingy, needy, hypocritical and sexist. Sounds fun.
Honestly just sit her down and discuss your concerns. Tell her that you want to have a future with her and be happy. However, this seems unlikely the way things are now.
You should consider breaking up if you can’t come to any sort of reasonable resolution.
Relationships are work, but not hard work. This ain’t gonna work brother.
Why are you tolerating this?
So I actually think the way she’s behaving with guys who hit on her is fine – if women couldn’t be friends with a guy who had once hit on them, then they couldn’t be friends with guys because there’d be a sword of Damocles hanging over the head of those friendships at all times. “I can’t be good friends you with you I might have to blow this up at any point.” Women get hit on, and in general we should let our female partners navigate rejecting guys in the way that makes them comfortable.
It’s different if a “friend” continually pushes boundaries. But trying once, and then backing off and behaving as a friend? That’s fine.
So the real issue here is her unreasonable behavior when you were out with another girl and her. I think you sit down with her when she’s NOT in the middle of one of these moods and say, “Hey, so, yeah, this isn’t okay. Saying all boys are bad is not okay. Going off at me for being friendly to a mutual friend *while I’m holding your hand* is not okay.”
I had a girlfriend who would pick fights like this when she was PMSing. The vast majority of the time, pointing out that she was PMSing was enough to make her realize that she was behaving unreasonably, and she would apologize and we’d go on normally. And obviously not all women have that sort of issue, but this does sound to me like *that sort of argument*.
If she’s someone whose insecurity comes roaring to the surface like that once a month, okay, you can work with that, you can’t solve it but you can develop strategies together to navigate it. If it’s a more random, independent thing, if it’s just more about who she is, then, well, this is less fixable. You have to be clear that her behavior was unacceptable and that her changing it is a condition of continuing to stay together. It won’t be like she can flip a switch, but she can improve over time.
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Sure, people get insecure sometimes but the double standard to how she acts and reacts when you aren’t even doing the same thing is a huge red flag. Either she’s just childish or she potentially is cheating or has thoughts of it.
Honestly, yeah things could get better but only if she sees the difference in her behavior and how she needs to take responsibility and stop this “all men are bad” thing.
It sounds like she’s in a middle school/high school relationship.
Is it possible that she may be projecting? Especially, since she sees nothing wrong with her mother’s actions…
Edit: Either way, she needs to talk to a therapist to get to the root of her issues. I don’t think this can be fixed with simple communication between the two of you.
You sure you want to trust her? She holds a huge double standard with the way she acts with people. The way she acts is almost like she’s guilty of something and so it redirects blaim which is commom when there’s some form of cheating. I wouldn’t rememain friends with guys who refuse to be respectful of my relationship status and keep flirting and trying to hook up. Sounds like red flags are flapping in the wind. You yourself have said her mom cheats and she sees nothing wrong with this behavior while claiming all men do it cheat. Which yeah, plently of men do cheat but so do plenty of women.
Also it just doesn’t feel like she respects your relationship that much, while she doesn’t hook up with them, she still chooses to associate with people who keep going after her. Men and women should be allowed to be friends without jealously in a relationship, however at somepoint the behavior of others should say “Hey I maybe shouldn’t associate with this specific person, particularly since I’m in a relationship”