Hey everyone. So I have been seeing a girl a few times now and things are going well. She really likes me I really like her. She has character and is very authentic to herself. Last weekend we spent the night together at her place and had a great time. We are planning on getting together tomorrow night at my place this time.
Here’s where I start to doubt myself. Her place was very newly constructed, probably about 2-3 years old with all the new features. I have my own apartment which I pay about $1700 / month for, but I don’t feel like it is up to par with what would be attractive to women. I could afford a better place as I make about 110k salary but didn’t feel the need when I signed the lease. I keep my place very clean and organized and somewhat decorate but my kitchen/appliances are very outdated and frankly as a man I am still learning how to decorate. The apartment itself is from 2003 and just is due for an upgrade.
I have had women over before and they have given off the vibe that even though they like me they don’t like my place.
Overall I want to hear people’s opinions on how to overcome this. I know it sounds strange but I just cant get it out of my head that this place is not up to par with what women’s standards are sometimes. Obviously I want her to like me for me, which she does, but how do I go about having a place that is old and not decorated as well as it should be?
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tl;dr: apartment is old but clean and organized. How do I overcome feeling insecure about having women I date over and seeing this place?
EDIT: Thank you everyone for the outlook advice on this. Definitely helping positively shape my opinion on the situation !
13 comments
As long as it’s clean and tidy it shouldn’t matter. If they are judging you for wasting money on a fancier place then they are not for you anyway.
I’d be so excited to see a clean bathroom that outdated appliances wouldn’t even make me bat an eye. I don’t expect guys to care about countertops (though they can!).
It sounds like you also think that the apartment could use some updating and redecorating. Why not make it more of a place that you’d be proud to show off? With your salary, you could even hire a professional to give you advice on that, but I’d suggest just checking out inspo on furniture sites, Pinterest, YouTube, etc. You could also probably afford to go to furniture places with showrooms and buy the entire room’s decor in one go.
Your place sounds totally fine. It’s one thing if it was dirty or a hoarder situation, but given your description, only a really superficial person would care that much. If you get serious, you can ask her for decorating tips!
Do you want to move to a more impressive place? Or a more comfortable place to host others?
If you do not, and this is a good choice for you right now, then this honestly sounds more like a you issue than a them issue. And a decent way to vet for compatibility. Do you really want to date a woman who needs you to appear performatively wealthy?
Keeping your place clean and tidy, while choosing not to pay more in rent, is totally reasonable.
Ask some female friends or family members if there are any actual issues at your place or things you are overlooking. Common things men your age don’t notice are seriously out-of-date posters or poorly stored presented fandom things (I’m ALL for nerdy/fandom stuff, but display it tidily) and cheap, uncomfortable linens. If you’re not looking to move, a bit of effort cannot hurt, but in the end, this insecurity is probably just pretty normal.
Honestly other men have set the bar so low that as long as it’s clean, you’re probably fine.
Don’t let insecurity get in the way of what sounds like a good thing. We all vary in income and living conditions and it’s human to compare but it’s best to focus on what you have and not what you don’t at this time. Sounds like you make good coin. You have a job and a roof over your head and someone to love. That’s actually way more than a lot have so don’t sweat the other stuff.
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You rent? So she’s not going to expect your cabinets/appliances/etc. to be brand new. Anyone would realize that’s up to a landlord, not the tenant.
If the place is clean, you’re already ahead of the game. You do need a bed frame. No mattress on the floor. If you want to appear more “put together” I’d go for a couch instead of a futon. Is all your furniture in good condition or is it beat up? Broken/scratched furniture can give the impression that you don’t take care of your stuff.
Other than that, I doubt many women would dump you because you don’t have matching towels.
If it’s clean then you’re good. I’ve seen some women’s places be a disaster. One girl had garbage everywhere and the whole place stank of cat urine enough to make someone gag. The litter boxes (there were more than one) were overflowing.
Think of it as a test if she cares about a living arrangement to the point of seeing you as lesser of a man then do you really want her.
Sounds like you could be a great fit together. Perhaps you are slightly more careful with money than she is, maybe you will balance each other out.
When I met my husband he lived in a shared house and I had a beautiful flat that I’d saved hard for. I wish it was because he was careful, sadly turned out that he was just in a load of debt. You’re fine.
It’s neat, clean, and your own place. You’re doing FINE!