So I (18 M) and (18 F) have been broken up for a while now, about 2 months. You can see my previous post on here to read about that whole fucked up situation.
But long story short, I was in a fucking awful relationship with someone who I loved very much but who abused me every step of the way and I finally got enough strength to leave. But now I am trying to move on and I find it extremely difficult and don’t know what else to do. I’ve been going to the gym, been spending a lot of time with my friends, I’ve tried talking to other people, I even purged every photo of her or even anything that reminds me of her off my phone, but no matter what I can’t seem to move on. I always think about her, I get extremely sad when I think about her being with other people still, and I just feel unhappy.
I feel like with the amount of effort I’m putting in to move on this is not normal. I feel like it may be that I’m struggling on being content with being alone, or maybe I am still not happy with myself. To be honest I really don’t know. I always had so much love to give her and it just feels weird not giving that to someone.
TL;DR: Broke up with an extremely toxic gf and I’m taking all of the “right” steps to move on, but nothing seems to help. Need any other ideas or advice from people who have felt the same way as me.
2 comments
Toxic relationships are harder to move on in my opinion because you created a trauma bond. Maybe you could write a list down of everything horrible that she did to you and read it when youre at your weakest. And instead of thinking of this big huge plan to get over her, narrow it down and get through one day at a time. It will get better with time but if you just focus on each day it might make the task feel a little easier.
This may be a little less pointed than the list comment, but I feel like you would benefit from therapy. A good therapist will be able to help you identify what’s holding you back from healing, why you’re uncomfortable being single, and also help you get a better idea of what you need as an individual so when you are ready for another relationship, you won’t fall into another toxic trap. (I also think it’s best to get introduced to the benefits of therapy at a young age, because it can make it easier to ask for help later in life as well. There is no shame in needing therapy, and as my therapist says, EVERYONE should be in therapy, it’s not only for severe trauma, or mental illnesses, or whatever the social stigmas say.)
I have no idea if there’s any other trauma you’ve dealt with in your life, but surviving an abusive relationship and getting out is already a **huge** accomplishment, and sometimes you need a professional to help make sure you’re really healing thoroughly. If you’re worried about finances, talk to a school counselor for guidance, or your parents, if you have a good relationship with them. If they’re supportive and you’re comfortable with it, tell them about how much this has hurt you, and don’t feel ashamed for asking for help. Everyone needs help sometimes, no matter the age, and if you’re struggling this much, good parents would want to know.
I’ll admit I’m a big advocate of therapy, so it is usually my go-to advice. I put off starting therapy myself for far, far too long, and let far too many toxic patterns repeat with toxic partners taking advantage of me in similar ways. Now that I’m finally working through the old wounds, my current relationship is thriving, and our communication is stronger than ever, and I am more confident in myself and know my worth. I very much regret not taking advantage of my resources when I was your age and had to hit a much lower rock bottom than I anticipated in order to finally accept help.
I read through your other post, and, while I could be wrong, she seems to have her own trauma that is causing her behavior to escalate to be an abuser. Very controlling, manipulative, refuses to take responsibility, needs attention and can’t handle sharing the spotlight with your other friends, etc. It’s very textbook, and a pattern I’ve seen in a lot of people over the years. However, her trauma isn’t your responsibility, nor is it your fault, and cutting her out sounds like it was the best step for you. Keep yourself as your priority and remember that **you** deserve to be treated better, and you deserve someone that is willing to put in the same amount of energy and effort into the relationship as you do.
Give yourself more credit, as well! Healing from any relationship takes time, and a relationship of 2 years, especially at such a young age, will take more than a few months to bounce back from. It’s painful, and especially with being in high school, it feels even more intense, but you’ll get through it. You don’t need to compare the time you need to heal to anyone else’s, either. We all heal and live life at our own pace, there’s nothing wrong with taking longer than others.