Hello. I (26F) have been in a relationship with my husband (27M) for about six years. We have a great relationship in that we can talk about anything, rarely fight, and encourage one another to be our best selves as much as possible. The one difficulty we deal with is the sexual aspect of our relationship. We’ve dealt with many dry spells, often attributed to one or both of us being busy or distracted with other things. In the past, we recognized this and discussed how we could come back together and create a spark again.

Lately, I’ve been reading many more sexual-based books out of enjoyment, but it also helps me get in the mood more often. The problem is, they’ve made me realize how much I wish I got to be more submissive in our relationship. I wish I felt more protected by my husband and that he was more confident in everyday life and the bedroom.

I brought this up to him. I know he has dealt with many self-confidence issues, but he has been more self-assured now than ever. I tried to be gentle, not to hurt his ego but also firm that this was what I wanted. I even told him I could give him one of my books to read so that he would understand that I am not looking for him to treat me like sh\*t or be an asshole like he assumes dominants’ are. He didn’t take the discussion great, fell back into feeling bad about himself and said he was okay with how things were going…. we had only had sex twice in the last six weeks.

The next day, he told me he was taking me away for the weekend to somewhere that was a surprise. Usually, I would be excited. We had done this before. We would take a short vacation to be more relaxed and to focus more on each other. But this wasn’t what I needed. I feel like I’ve not been stressed lately. What I wanted was for him to read the book I gave him. Instead, it is still sitting on my kitchen counter, where I gave it to him. I’m starting to get really annoyed that everything we do has to be on his terms and that he isn’t listening to me or seems that concerned. It’s like a constant reminder that he isn’t doing what I want him to. How do I get him to listen to me? How can I convince him he can be dominant when I feel like I’m constantly being supportive of everything he does and everything he is?

9 comments

  2. Why marry someone if you wish them to be different then they have been the whole time you knew them?

  3. Maybe he’s not a book guy…. how about a movie? You could go the porn route but I think since your husband is sensitive, you may want to go the more mainstream movie route. There’s the Fifty Shades of Grey series but that might be a bit over the top. One of my favorites is “Secretary”.

    Other than that, since being dominant and the whole BDSM scene is very broad and each person has their own interest level and one size doesn’t fit all, have you been specific with your husband regarding what you want? If you are being vague, then maybe he’s thinking about some extreme version and that would be intimidating. How about starting with some small steps to plant the seed. Some specific ideas you can request of him:

    * him holding your hands during sex
    * you being tied up
    * him giving you a spanking
    * you being blindfolded
    * you being on your knees and giving him a BJ while he holds the back of your head or your hair

    There are different ways to get these… you can ask… or for some, you can initiate… what if you drop to your knees in front of him and put his hands and start teasing him…. get him pissed off and then say “if you want it, why don’t you take it” and put his hands on the back of your head. This is the kind of thing you will see in the movie Secretary… she provokes him and encourages him indirectly.

    My thinking is if you teach him some “moves”, as examples, maybe he will like it and get motivated and learn some of his own moves.

    Of course there is the potential that he just doesn’t have it and is not as interested in sex as you are. Hopefully not. I’m the type that when my girlfriend plants a seed it grows… hopefully he is open minded.

    Best of luck. I am rooting for you.

  4. In your romantic life and daily life with him, you should be more submissive, subdominant, childish, playful, emotional and unorganised. This automatically forces him to take the corresponding role. Accept his authority as head of the household. One does not become dominant by certain outer behaviour only, it is deeper and come from within. Once you embody the submissive role, the chances are high will become more your counterpart. By wanting him to do certain things and read a specific book as a how-to, you do the exact opposite.

  5. Is there anything you could offer to do better for him? Why not lead by example?

  8. There are any number of provocative things you can do depending on what you’re after. Are you angling for a spanking? Giving him control, or just for him to drive sometimes?

    Being a brat and daring him to do something about it may work, but you have to be careful to pick something provocative but not hurtful. Triggering him and being overtly annoying are two very different things. I’m thinking if the scene in *Secretary* where she signals she’s down by putting an earthworm into one of the letters he’s been checking for spelling. It’s so wrong that it can only mean one thing.

    There are “restraints” that are basically just loops, the moment you want to be free you just need to twist your wrist to get out. “A present in the bedroom” could be you in a blindfold and looped in.

    Outside of the bedroom, I’ve learned that you can give people power by deferring to them on things that others feel you shouldn’t have to ask. You can repair power dynamics in some org charts by giving some of your power away. I’m always going to let Tom veto decisions of this sort, because it shouldn’t be up to me. If he says no then I say no.

    I don’t see why romantic power dynamics would need to be much different. Should I wear this? Should I do that? Can I orgasm now? You can plant a seed in someone’s head, or if you go to strong they can say “NO” and then your game is up.

  9. This is not something you can fix all at once. You need to decide what you’re looking for. If it’s that you want him to be the initiator, then you need to do two things.

    1. Tell him that you’re just not going to initiate sex. You find it hot when he does it.

    2. For a while, *always always always* respond with enthusiasm and agreement when he does initiate.

    His lack of confidence has made him afraid to fail. It’s a huge issue because men are generally better equipped to deal with failure than women are. So you need to get it into his head that when he makes a move for sex, he won’t fail. It will always be met with enthusiasm and acceptance.

    That also means that you have to discipline yourself to hold back until he does make a move. So, at a good time when you are otherwise in a good spot, tell him that from this moment on, he needs to initiate. You won’t bring it up, you won’t drop any hints, you are going to just move on. When he does initiate, you’re interested. Tell him you want him to make the moves, and as he gets better and better at it, drive him wild.

    All this means that, for a while, you cannot let him down. If he’s interested, you are, too. There is no “I’m tired.” There is no “not tonight.” There is no “I feel fat.” There is only, “Yes, lover, show me what you’ve got!”

    This is not forever. This is until he knows that he makes moves on you is the norm. As time goes by, you agree that that phase is over ans *sometimes* his interest can’t be held up. On top of that, you might get in the mood, and it might be fun to initiate yourself *as an exception*.

    Forget the book. Tell him that when he’s interested, he should make the move. Then, as time goes by, if he mentions that sex hasn’t happened, remind him *to do something about it*. Let him realize that when he wants it, he gets it, and enjoy that phase as he grows into it.

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