As the title states I [26F] am in a new relationship after ending a three year relationship about six months ago. I met my new [26M] boyfriend only about a month and a half ago and we started being intimate roughly three weeks ago. Unfortunately I’ve noticed that he seems a bit “let down” by our sex ever since the first time we hooked up. It’s nothing he says (he has done nothing but reassure me how attractive he finds me and how much he wants me physically, which I adore him for), instead it was sort of how it went the first time and then every time since which was him being super excited and ready and then sort of a look of disappointment when he was able to just slide in.
I know I may be projecting but he made a joke along the lines of “oh, that just went right in without a problem I guess” and forced a laugh which killed me a bit inside. My previous partner was extremely large to the point of being too much to handle sometimes and I always am more “open” now even six months after than I was before. I know this because of things like how I involuntarily queef any time my butt is elevated above my stomach (I got into yoga after our breakup and had to leave a class out of embarrassment more than once) and several other equally embarrassing things that didn’t happen before. It feels like no matter how many kegels I do I am just way more opened up down there now than before my last relationship, and memories of how my other ex before my LTR who was a bit smaller than my current (average-size) boyfriend had to work his way up to putting it all inside me even when I was extremely turned on are giving me a lot of anxiety.
My question is how do I approach this with my new boyfriend? I want to make him love sex with me and I’ve tried being engaging with my hands and mouth but he LOVES penetration and I know how he’s said he’s reacted in the past isn’t how he’s reacting to me (he apologized before we ever hooked up for being “too fast” the first time of the day but even on our first time he takes 10+ minutes which he’s mentioned is way longer than he ever goes). I’ve been kegeling at work and before we see each other but it doesn’t seem to help. Should I be open with him about my past and my insecurity or is that not something he would want to know about?
Any advice on things your current or previous partners have done to help if you’ve been in this situation would be appreciated!
EDIT: I worked up the courage and talked to my new bf about wanting to make him enjoy sex more and asked what I could do to help. He said he enjoyed it plenty and so I asked him why it takes him longer with me than previous partners. He said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings but I pressed him and assured him I only wanted to make things better. After reassuring him that I wanted to improve our sex life for him he came out and told me he didn’t feel like the walls of my vagina really “hugged” his dick as much as he was used to. I asked him to explain and he finally said it was that I felt looser than what he had experienced in the past and it made him feel inadequate. I told him I would work on kegels and how to make sure I squeeze more during sex and that I was alright but I am so upset! It feels like my worst fears were confirmed because I already had been kegeling during sex and I squeezed as hard as I could and I still was “looser than he was used to”! I believe we may just be a size mismatch and I don’t know how to remedy this now that I am also upset.
9 comments
My wife has a loose pussy, it doesn’t bother me in the least. I find going slower and deeper works best for me and lets me feel more pleasure when im penetrating her. Going too fast I dont feel anything. Over time you will find what works for you and what doesn’t.
This was wrong on the part of ypur bf yo make you feel insecure. “That went easily” its a serious insult and he should realise his mistake. There is nothing wrong with you. He should apologize to you.
That being said, some physical positional changes can help with this issue.
> Should I be open with him about my past and my insecurity or is that not something he would want to know about?
I’d be super careful with that. Lots of guys are size insecure and that is a potential atomic bomb right there. I know it sucks not being able to discuss insecurities with the one you want to share them most with, but there is such a thing as oversharing.
As for the other issue, being more “open” is usually associated with micro injuries in the vagina – which is what I thought of when it came to the whole your ex being “too much to handle” sentiment. It’s treated essentially through the exercises and devices used in PPPT. Have you ever felt like sharing your worries with your OB/GYN?
It might be worth your while doing, no matter how embarrassing it might seem – also to solve the “several other things that didn’t happen before”, that aren’t immediately related to your bedroom woes.
I’m not sure that saying “You’re just smaller than what I’m used to” is helpful at all, especially if your goal is to reassure, as you’ve written here. Like, if he said “You’re just looser than what i’m used to” that wouldn’t help anything either, right?
Have you tried squeezing/kegeling during sex?
good news: vaginas don’t change their shape because of a penis, no matter how big it is. this bizarre myth has been debunked by health professionals over and over again, so rest assured this isn’t the problem.
there are other things that can change the elasticity of your vagina. i don’t know your life, so i can’t tell you if any of that applies. i’d recommend doing an in-depth online search and/or talking to your doctor.
i do have a few thoughts on what i think are the likeliest scenarios, though.
you say your boyfriend’s penis is “average,” so it’s possible he’s on the smaller side of average when it comes to girth. the thickness of a penis is what causes friction, not the length. also, maybe you’re getting way more wet and turned on with this guy than the last, and wetness is another thing responsible for friction, or the lack thereof.
it’s also possible you just have a naturally deeper/wider set vagina, and being with a dude who is on the smaller side is the only reason you’re noticing now. everyone’s bodies are different.
you’ve said he “looks disappointed” and has made some vague offhand comments, but have you actually asked him what he’s “disappointed” about? picked his brain at all?
I have been there! It took me years to recover from feeling ‘loose’ after my more well endowed bf. It eventually got tighter after doing a lot of kegels and squats and ab work though. I had a series of hookups to get over that relationship and ran into a lot of very average dicks. My first several times with an average dick after was very different than I remembered and it took a lot of mental training to rewire myself to realize that I had been overstimulated for a long time and this *did* feel good I just needed to let myself get used to ‘normal’ again
It is possible that your vagina changed physically due to tearing, but it’s probably not that. More likely, you taught yourself to relax much more – the vag is a muscle, after all – and got out of the habit of the squeezing, gripping, etc you used to do. So it absolutely could feel looser to you and your partner.
You also habituated yourself to a particular kind of very intense stimulation, so it will take some rewiring to get to where you can appreciate different sensations down there. The good news is, you can do it and more intense does not mean better. It’s like guys with death grip. Once they beat it (pun intended) they often find less overwhelming stimulation actually feels better.
Got cha. So he has a smaller size, you’re not satisfy with it.
How big/wide do you think the previous partner was? How much smaller is your new one?