TW: mention of suicide attempt
My twin sister and I (both 33f) have recently had babies. I have an 8 month old daughter, she has a 5 month old son. We both struggled with fertility issues and were trying to get pregnant for a few years and we were lucky enough to fall pregnant within a few months of each other.
My sister had quite a traumatic birth which led to her son having some health issues and is currently still on oxygen (hopefully will be off by the end of the week fingers crossed).
Being twins, we’re very close with each other. We talk everyday, try and see each other as much as possible etc and we have the same friend group aswell.
Since we’ve had our babies, it’s almost like we’ve been ghosted from the group. They still all do things as a group without inviting us. Any conversations we have now seem forced. There was an incident a couple of months back where my fiance had a suicide attempt (he’s doing a lot better now) and it almost felt like that was the last straw? Since then they don’t really talk to us at all. It’s something I’m still struggling with and not having my friends to talk to is a massive struggle.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for here I guess I just wanted to vent. You always hear things about friendships falling apart after you have kids but we were such a close group I didn’t think of it happening to us but here we are. Both of us having gone through something traumatic and not having our closest friends to talk to.
Just wanted to edit to clear up a few things and answer some questions.
Firstly I just wanted to thank everyone who commented with supportive, lovely comments. They’re much appreciated.
One of the themes I’m seeing in these comments a lot is we should have expected it, nobody wants to hear about your kids, all you talk about is your kids etc. and just no. Being the first person in the group, I wasn’t expecting it at all. With how supportive they all were when we were pregnant and being around a lot at the start, this has come as a shock. Now, I know this might surprise some of you, but we are able to talk about things other than our kids. I made it a point not to talk about my daughter unless they brought her up. We all work/worked together, so apart from talking about everyday life, we would catch up on everything from work.
Some other comments were saying we just dump all our trauma on them. Again, no. I’m a very private and shy person. Apart from initially letting them know about my fiances suicide attempt, I didn’t talk any more about it. And as for my sister, she’s not just negative all the time. If she sends a message or update about her boy, it’s something positive like ‘he rolled over today!’ which was a big milestone for him with his health issues.
I don’t have much else to say honestly but I’m left feeling more dejected after posting this. That’s on me though. I should’ve known better than to come to reddit for help
46 comments
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Sorry things have been hard for you. Motherhood doesn’t have to be lonely! You could try groups to maybe connect with other mothers, personally I just surrounded myself with other mothers. I wish you the best and I hope things get better
>**Since we’ve had our babies**, it’s almost like we’ve been ghosted from the group. **They still all do things as a group without inviting us**
>
>You always hear things about friendships falling apart after you have kids **but we were such a close group I didn’t think of it happening to us but here we are.**
* Did you change personally due to the birth, way less time for your friends or something similar which might be the impetus?
It happens, especially in groups where you are “the first” to become parents. Best advice is join a mom’s day out group, or something similar. Go to “baby gyms” where the interaction with adults is just as important as the stimulation for the baby.
I’m experiencing this too, lost all my friends now I only have my partner and son to talk to. I’ve tried following others advice to seek out other mothers as friends and tbh alot of other moms/ mom groups are just catty high school cliques but with kids. It’s hard, I don’t want to be friends with other moms just because they’re moms too. I want to be friends with people who share the same interests and hobbies as me that just so happen to also be moms.
My first years were very lonely too. I had twins that didn’t sleep, so I was dead tired and people tried in the beginning, but after a while they stopped showing interest.
I found refuge online.
And what helped me keep my friends is to realise that I was the one that changed the situation, and I shouldn’t blame them for not being able to give what I needed from them, because I didn’t ask. Chances are that they have no idea how to handle the situation and how to aproach you.
What did u expect?
Like, what do mothers/fathers expect when they get a baby?
U simply cant do the things like u did them with ur friends before the child.
Its not only Motherhood parents as a whole get removed from friendgroups frequently because no childfree person would want to plan around a child everytime + u dont have as much free time as before obviously..
Look for Mothergroups and u can experience ur schoolbullies again, only now they are 30+ like u and have a child who doesnt like urs. Have fun
Yeah, things do change after you have kids and less time for socializing. I’m guessing they just don’t know what to say or do after the suicide attempt, and that just makes it harder to connect. Making new friends as an adult is so hard too, but there are usually lots of local mom groups on social media and at various gyms, churches, etc.
Having kids can be so socially isolating especially if you are the first to have kids and the rest of your friend group are still single or kid-less. You essentially need to make a whole new group of parent-friends. I’d suggest joining local parenthood groups, mommy groups, going to social gatherings for kids to meet other moms like kids music classes, Gymboree, baby yoga etc. and you guys aren’t alone so don’t feel like it’s abnormal.
I wonder if maybe things haven’t changed, just your perspective. I know pregnancy and child being being a slew of hormones
I understand that you feel abandoned but reading what you wrote makes me suspect that you’re both expecting your friends to be there for you to trauma dump/vent. Your sister has health struggles with her child for five months, your fiance made a suicide attempt. In the beginning the friends were there you said but now they’ve retreated.
I’m not saying you did but is it possible that you used your friends as an outlet to vent/trauma dump? Friends can be there for you and support you but they’re not a stand in for months long therapy sessions. They all have their own lives and worries and when they meet they want to unwind and not take your worries on as well. Especially not worries like suicide and a baby’s months long heath worries.
Only you know what you talked about with your friends. Did you go out to have fun and laughed together to forget about life for a while? Or did you sit there venting and obsessing about your troubles?
I’d suggest communicating. Just call the closest of those people and go in with an open mind. Just say “Hey xy, how are you? We haven’t talked in a while and I miss you guys. I’d love to hang out with you again and have some fun again. What do you think?” Just see what they’re saying.
I always shake my head in dispelief when parents complain about this, claiming they never expected it. The internet is filled to the brim with such stories, I knew this is what would happen to me if I ever wanted a child – since I was a child!
When you meet up with friends, what do you talk abiyt? What occupies your mind? If it is -dare I say rightfully so- your child, then they may feel like you lost your personality. Ofc you did, you are a caretaker of a little human now, but that doesn’t mean friends want to hear about it, or want to talk about their own issues knowing that your mind is with your offspring. Finding likeminded new mothers might help socialising, they get you, they’re in the same situation.
But honestly, do your research before a life changing decision. It will help next time to prepare yourself mentally.
There is nothing more annoying than asking someone to do something and their first response is, “my kid”. It’s not annoying because I’m evil but because it is sacred ground and I cannot say anything against that.
Congrats on the kids. Hope your little cousin gets better soon. Hope both your kids grow up strong and healthy in body and mind. Hope your hubbie finds the help he needs to deal with whatever daemons caused him to think suicide was the last option remaining.
Friends groups falling apart is something that happens to everyone, unfortunately. Once you’re no longer in the same phase of life, you notice people drifting away. Or in certain cases you yourself being cast adrift. And while it sucks, it’s OK. The people you’ve hung out with in Kindergarten usually aren’t the same people you went to high school with. Or to college.
Based on the ages you’ve given I’m assuming you and your twin are the first in the friends group to have kids. The rest are probably either a bit younger, or in a more happy-go-lucky phase of life (partying, clubbing etc.).
True friends will stay friends. Even through life altering stuff like having kids. Or an attempted suicide. Talk about 2 different ends of the spectrum! If you feel some friendships from the group may be worth keeping, try setting up ‘dates’ with those people. Go for a coffee, talk grownup for a couple of hours instead of having everything revolve around babies all the time etc.. It will do you a lot of good too.
Of course, if you feel none of the friendships from that group are salvagable, or if you feel it’s not worth it, then that’s an anwser too. Those people weren’t your true friends. Just a social circle you were part of till you entered the next level of your life.
New friends, or like minded aquiantances will probably start of because of the kids. Doesn’t mean they have to solely revolve around the kids. But going to day care, pre school, consultation visits etc. Maybe the local church or social center has a monthly thing for new parents to find each other etc., etc.. You’ll probably find a lot of people in the same boat. Figuring out life and life with kids.
I find it surprising this wasn’t expected. Parenthood is lonely, hard, and often kind of mundane (day in day out, same thing every day). That’s why some people opt out. I don’t really blame your friends for not wanting to hang out, I certainly can’t blame you for feeling lonely.
I know everyone keeps mentioning mommy and me groups, but these tend to be very… Juvenile in my experience. Perhaps a book club, a cooking club, or even volunteering could also help you meet new people, not specifically just new mothers?
Me and my wife were the first in our friend groups to get married and have children, around 9 years ago(still basically for the most part are the only ones with children too) and we felt the same situation of distancing as the years went by as we’re in different stages of our lives and could no longer just go do this and that on a whim anymore
In the end my wife pretty much has cut all ties with her few friends from before and made more mom friends that are understanding.
For me I see most of them maybe every other month or so for wings and beers, I use to play video games with them a lot but that’s over as we don’t have the same tastes any more. Now my primary group is coworkers with similar a similar life style
I know it sucks but from my experience and others I have talked to it’s just how it is and normal for people to drift apart over the years, especially over things like children and the lack of “freedom” you once had.
I drifted away from all my friends that had children when I was younger.
I just couldn’t begin to relate. I felt bad about it, but our lives were going in hugely different directions.
It really is awful, but friendship is usually based on having things in common and when such a big difference arises it’s not uncommon for people to drift apart.
I’m not going to tell you that joining mommy groups is the end all be all answer, but I do think you should try to make new friends and connecting with other mothers would probably be best.
It depends. Are you able to see your friends without bringing your kid? Do you make everything about your child? In my experience, a lot of people expect others to revolve around their child as well and if I don’t have kids, I don’t want my life dictated by one. For example a friend of mine always expected to bring her kid whenever we would meet or we would have to come to hers. We weren’t able to hold a conversation, because she was always distracted with her child when we met. A friendship goes both ways and if parenthood makes it one sided, a lot of people will bail.
Hey OP, have you expressed any of this to your friends? It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and they might not know what to do or even if you want to socialize and go out. Would you consider sending out a casual text being like “hey! I’d love to hang out this weekend. It’s been a while and I could use some fun girls time.” Something that makes it clear you want to hang out and get your mind of off things.
I am childfree and have friends who have children. I don’t hate their kids, in fact they are cute little beans but only because they don’t have to come home with me. When it comes to our conversations, I am pretty clear that I am not interested in motherhood so we don’t dominate every conversation with their children. That is not to say that we never talk about them, I am not a monster and like I said previously I enjoy kids in small doses.
Maybe that’s a strategy to try? Talk to your friends about the things you used to? I know as a new mom that baby HAS to come first but maybe easing that new dynamic into your friend group would be helpful?
People with kids don’t hang out with people without kids that often. As a parent, you will have so much shit on your plate. Think about as your kids get older and you’re going to soccer games and doing birthday parties and all of that while your friends go out.
You’ll make friends with other parents to setup playdates and whatnot. Just give it time.
You need to ask your friends for what you need. “I need a friend to talk to lately. I’d love it if you came by”. It’s not needy to communicate what kind of support you’d like from your support network. A lot of friends assume that new parents need some space to acclimate to a newborn and they take a step back, assuming they’re supportive by not being intrusive or in the way. If you need support from your friends – you need to let them know. I’m sure you’d do the same for them if roles were reversed.
I’m on the opposite side of this.
I’m the one who didn’t have kids and all my friends did. All they talk about is babies, it gets boring. They don’t want to do anything fun anymore and when they do, it’s still not fun because they don’t drink, or they go home early, or they just end up talking about kids the whole time. When I ask specific questions in terms of how they are and what they have done…it somehow always leads back to the kids. I feel like they aren’t ever interested in anything I’ve got to say, but need to always tell me their piece. I get it, your kids are important, but feel like my friends have lost their identities abit. I’ve resorted to minimising contact with them for my own sanity.
I’ve made lots of new friends, who have similar interests to me and socialising is a priority in itself. I’m sad that this is how myself and the group are, but I also hate hanging out with them now, because I just get so bored and we’re just not compatible as friends anymore.
You chose to have children, your friends did not. People change and grow apart. I agree with others that you should join a mom group. It’s not you or your friends fault they no longer align with your chosen lifestyle.
I’m on the other side. I am childfree by choice.
I’ve lost friends who have become mothers because they have no interests outside of their children and often there is nothing to connect on. Often when attempts are made whatever the discussion, it is brought back to their children or home life. If they aren’t having a good home life it can be draining. Especially if they are just venting all the time and don’t even check in with you. I have felt that when friends have had kids, our relationship becomes a one way exchange and it’s often then solely on the person with the child.
The relationship fades. Have you looked back at your interactions? Are you having genuine connections with them or defaulting back to you and your kid.
From someone who is not interested in kids: I kinda lost interest in hanging out or connecting with parents.
Interesting, as it seems completely the opposite for me. Friends get married, have kids and suddenly they don’t have time for friends at all. Now it’s all about family gatherings and meeting other parents.
Gonna be honest some people just don’t want anything to do with children especially babies and usually when parents are new they only talk about their children and pregnancy effects afterwards from excitement. It’s not for everyone.
I’m.probably going to get downvoted like crazy for this, but I’m hoping *maybe* what I have to say will actually help you to hold on to some of your friendships. Or, at least, rekindle them soon.
I am that woman in a friends group who backed away from the two women who had babies. Why? Because, we went from discussing movies, books, cooking, politics, art, music, and gardening to listening to them talk AT us about baby poop, exhaustion, diaper rash, baby vomit, baby clothes, breast feeding, etc. Baby, baby, baby. All. The. Time. Anytime anyone in the group tried to bring things back around to a great book they were reading or something, one of the two women would interject with baby stuff. In a very short time, it came to the point that most of us stopped joining the chat. I am sure the two women didn’t realize what they were doing. But, they should have, because quite a few of actually tried to tell them that we weren’t there just to hear about their baby issues. Unfortunately, they just didn’t seem to be able to let go of it, even for an hour.
So, if you’re missing your friends, maybe you should trying checking your baby stuff at the door.
I don’t know what to say about your husband’s suicide attempt, except I’m sorry and I hope he is well.
Let the downvotes begin!
Sending positive vibes for your nephew getting off oxygen!
Sending you positive vibes as well, you’ve had a lot on your plate, OP. I hope your fiance is doing well, and I really hope you are able to heal from that as well. That is traumatizing for you, and I’d reccomend therapy for the both of you. I’m so sorry your friend group isn’t supportive of you, or your sister. You both deserve better! I would look into “Mom groups” on social media! I see tons in my area, and could be wonderful for the both of you, and your babies!
I was the first of my friends group to get pregnant and I lost touch with most of them, it’s like they didn’t have anything to say to me anymore. It was sad at the time but while they were out partying I was home with a baby so our lives were completely different.
I started to make new friends, find some mum groups because you won’t be the only one going through this
This is kind of what the mommy groups are for; you’re in a different stage of your life to your other friends, you probably don’t have the energy or time to do the stuff they want to do and you’re growing apart.
It doesn’t mean you lose your social circle forever, it just means you focus your attentions and energies on people who are more compatible with you right now because the first few years are really hard without a community.
27f here – my friends have now started settling down and having babies, which means I am politely fading out of a lot of friendships. If you have any questions about what might be going on in your childfree friends’ heads, I might be able to give you some insight.
I feel like we need more info. I’m not saying this is your situation but a lot of times new moms end up distancing themselves from the group, in a way. Like after you got pregnant did you talk about the baby most of the time? Is there any opportunities for you to hang out with your friends without your child? Are you open to occasionally doing non child friendly activities/events? Your friends might be confused as to how to interact with you now or maybe they’re just crappy.
It’s unfortunately a common thing for friends to not want to hang out with you “and your baby.”
I would suggest maybe look through Facebook for local events to bring your baby to! There’s always a local mom starting a group/event for other parents. Its just about looking if you’re comfortable with it.
OP, you and your sister entered into a new phase of life. What is important to you is not important to them.
New mom’s tend to get a bad rap. I understand why, their whole world just changed and they expect everyone else to change to accommodate that change. But it really sucks to be a non-parent when your friend is a new mom.
In your comments, you’ve spoken about having very little in common with some of the mom groups. But I imagine that is how your friends feel around you. Like you don’t have much in common anymore. If you are reluctant to spend time with others imagine how they feel.
It is hard to make friends as an adult. But we all have to learn how. This is a part of growing up and learning how to adapt. Your friendships are on hold right now. Some might pick back up as others move into your phase of life, but don’t be angry that you chose to change and they didn’t.
Welcome to parenthood, thats the cost of having a child…. Your friends from this point on are people with kids that can entertain your kids… if your friends dont have children it will be even harder keeping the friendship… will require lots of work on both sidea
I’m so glad you have each other. Unfortunately it is common to lose touch with friends when life circumstances change. I was a SAHM when my kids were small and met other moms through play groups and coop preschool. Good luck to you both—and especially your nephew.
I’m too young to know people with kids (23) but a lot of my friends are getting engaged and one just bought a house. It is genuinely hard to relate to their lives moving forward while I am still trying to be young and independent. The friend that bought a house in particular has changed massively since college. She is honestly just a lot more serious and the way she talks is less fun. She doesn’t really go out or go to any parties, she isn’t stressed in the same way the rest of us are because her life is figured out. It feels like my life is frivolous to her because I’m not making big moves and decisions. I can tell we will drift apart soon and as sad as it is, I understand it. She relates more to married 30 year olds than she does to me, 23, getting my first real job, and still dating around. It’s part of why I don’t want kids and why I’m scared to settle down. I don’t want to lose my excitement and my youth. But it goes both ways, I’ll also be losing friends as they become mothers and get married and buy houses. It sucks, and honestly I think it’s the worst part of sexism. As a woman, you get married and become “someone’s wife” instead of a whole person to society. Same thing happens as mother. You are socially expected to be all about your family, all about the baby, so friends fade out because you’re forced to dedicate yourself to your family instead of your community. The same thing absolutely does not happen to men.
Well your friends and you and your sister are at different points in your life. You can’t really go anywhere without your kid, and I’m sure it’s a lot of baby talk now, vs them wanting to do adult activities sans child, and not wanting any baby talk.
You should look into getting some mom friends, and probably hearing less and less from your friend group as your interests, time availability, and activities grow farther apart from what it use to be.
Google search:
MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers ages 0-6)
International MOMS Club
Check Facebook. Try mom+your city.
Early motherhood is like an island. Only the people on it really get it. You really need other mom connections, especially babies/toddler moms. It’s a whole other thing.
You’re very lucky to have your sister. Lean into that too.
Either your friends are kinda shitty or they are just keeping a bit of space out of respect because you just had a baby and a close ones suicide attempt. And I would guess the latter but you know them best
People hang out with people who have kids the same age as theirs. You’ve now moved into a new friend bracket. You just need to meet some folks.
You’re in your early 30’s? I had a lot of friendships change then, not because of any bad feelings…we just “grew up” on different tracks. Are all of your friends married? Do they have kids? Are they wrestling with complex and difficult issues like infertility?
Maybe your friend group isn’t consciously ghosting you. Maybe they just can’t relate. Maybe they don’t know how to support you properly, and are giving you, your husband and new baby time. A first child followed by a suicide attempt is a lot. Maybe you’re all just growing on different timelines.
None of this hurts less. When someone is hurting me, I always try to figure out where it’s coming from. It either helps me take it less personally or it helps me adjust my behavior if I need to…not saying you necessarily do. I’m sorry you feel so alone. I imagine it’s rough with your husband right now, and the baby. Keep that sister close, as others have said, try and find some new mom groups and if possible check in with a counselor with regards to your husband…I’m sure that was traumatic. Hang in there!
For me it was the complete opposite. I don’t have kids but all of my friends do so they all do kids things together and I’m largely forgotten about if I’m honest 😔
So it’s really interesting and important to hear this, I suspect maybe some of them feel lonely too so I’m gonna reach out to the most vulnerable ones.
I’m really sorry that you are both experiencing this, it feels kinda harsh they’re excluding you just because you have kids/ the kinds of activities you do might have to change. My best friend does always include me and as much as I hate busy kids activities, I do it because I love her and her daughter. So yeah, excluding someone coz they have a kid is not cool.
I would try and reach out to the most private/mature one of the group on her own, and try to explain how you feel. You never know, they might feel like you’re ghosting them too!
I hope you’re doing much better now OP and your partner is continuing to do good!
That’s so hard for you when people who you’ve been friends with for so long change.
Firstly, my guess is the falling communication when you and your sister had babies was maybe due to your friends thinking yous were both really busy and wouldn’t have time to be doing things you previously did or meeting up or even just general chit chat. They also may think as you and your sister are twins and best friends that you have support there and don’t want to be over bearing.
Also, if you weren’t in-touch with your friends as frequently as before, when they heard about your partner, your friends may genuinely not have known what to say, silence gets awkward and before you know it months have passed and it’s too late to salvage.
I don’t know how you feel about putting yourself out there and maybe you be the one to suggest a meet up with all your friends and use the line ‘it’s been too long and would love a catch up’
If that didn’t go the way you would be happy with then try, and I know it would be hard, but try focus your energies on other things.
You’re lucky to have a sister you get on so well with and people will come into your life who you’ll gel with and be friends with.
Btw congratulations on your lovely baby and nephew!!