I wake up and she wants to hold me and talk about her dreams and my dreams. Then it’s eating breakfast together with me listening to whatever she says. then she wants us to do some morning activity together, let’s says go on walk, but if I pay too much attention to nature and not her she gets angry and tells me I’m ‘disconnecting’ from her. We get home and she asks me ‘what do we do now?’ etc..
I really appreciate being loved. but honestly my only time for alone time is 1 hour meditation in the bedroom or when she finally starts school now. 6 hours 5 days a week.
she wants to hug me and tell me how much she loves me constantly. I take out the trash she tells me how much she loves me and hug me, I come back she do it again, I’m not even kidding, this is how it is. On the way into toilet I get a hug, on the way out I also get a hug.
Look all of this sounds cute, and maybe it was the first 2 months. but now we 9 months in and I’m fucking going nuts.
I’m being asked if I love her 1-3 times a day. I’m not joking. at least one time everyday. These questions drains a lot of energy. Yes I’m being told I’m loved 100 times a day, and I mostly try to return all of it. Sometimes it’s just so difficult.. it feels like all my energy is completed drained from me after being with her.
I tried to ask for space but she usually takes that as I’m disconnecting from her and then she stonewalls me. I come back from taking a walk alone or something and I come back cheerfully and she’s not talking to me and ignoring me not looking my way. Completely emotionally disconnected from me.
Maybe I’m just a cold asshole of a person. I don’t know what to think anymore. It feels like I can’t breath.
24 comments
You guys should read up on love languages. Sounds like hers are probably physical touch and words of affirmation and I’m assuming yours is something else. Maybe suggest studying each others’ and finding a reasonable common ground?
Or, if you think she’d react poorly if you suggested less physical contact/time together you may just not be compatible.
Sounds scary as hell, i wouldn’t have lasted for nine months of that. Doesn’t sound like you guys are compatible.
It isn’t just that she’s clingy; it’s that she’s manipulative about it, too. When you try to create even the most minimal of boundaries, her response is to “punish” you with the silent treatment and ignoring you as a way of trying to manipulate you into never trying to get space again. It may be rooted in insecurity or mental illness or whatever, but the bottom line is that it is toxic as fuck.
If you want to give it one shot, sit down with her, tell her that, as much as you enjoy being around her, sometimes you need time to yourself and time to spend with your friends and family and you also need her to speak with someone about what appears to be extreme insecurity (the constant asking if you love her and clinginess) as well as working on healthy communication in relationships (meaning no silent treatment or other manipulative punishments when she’s unhappy). If she refuses or says she will but doesn’t then you need to end the relationship because otherwise she will bleed you dry emotionally.
That sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t have made it past 3 months.
RUN!!!!!
Express your boundaries again and when she stonewalls you use that time for yourself… she will eventually realize she’s lost and start acting right or show you an even darker side of herself…
Not sure how you’ve lasted. Have you tried talking to her about it? Explained YOUR needs? If she can’t respect that this is too much then you have to consider your options. This is tiring
Idk why everyone goes straight to saying “RUN”. Sit down with this girl and tell her how you feel. See how she reacts to it. Try to compromise I.E, hug before taking a shit. Not after. If she’s mature about it then sweet. People let alot of good relationships go simply by just not talking it out with them and being brutality honest. If you can’t be honest with your partner hows it going to keep working out?
That sounds exhausting and unhealthy. My husband and I spend a lot of our time together outside of work and both of us would hate this. Considering she equates space to being bad I don’t know what to do but break up.
She may have unchecked mental health problems, particularly a personality disorder. She may be terrified of abandonment and her actions are a way of delaying or preventing such an outcome. People with BPD sometimes demonstrate extreme “clingyness” for this reason. Help her as much as you can and be gentle.
When I was younger like in middle school I remember doing things similar to this. I would tell my mother I loved her every time I would go take a shower. (I have no idea why). I have only been in 3 relationships (28F) and I have to ask the same questions like “do you love me?” over and over again. I’m pretty sure I have OCD. I was watching a program on those with OCD symptoms. (TrueLife MTV).
It’s a physiological “issue”. With time and assistance this issue fades.
Also, being neglected as a child can make the issues more severe.
She either has attachment issues or maybe even BPD (borderline). She should see a therapist.
Set boundaries-no sharing dreams, no I Love Yous on the way out. Explain that a little disconnect is needed. She needs something else to concentrate on. Encourage her to join a book club or the gym. Change the subject. Have friends over or take a walk alone. Listen to music on headphones. Watch the news together and discuss it. Constant affection can get as boring as anything else.
You make me glad I’m single. I feel for you, dude.
Talk to her. She’s probably afraid of losing you. Also take some time off. Hang out with friends. Hopefully she has friends and isn’t clingy when you’re out
I feel like constantly saying these things makes it lose meaning. Every relationship is different, but my husband only say the L word when we’re feeling it. Having to constantly express myself and my feelings would mentally exhaust me.
Do you know if she has gone through something in the past that might have given her a worry to loose you? For example a cheating ex, or someone in the past who have abandoned her?
It does sound like she feels the need to reassure herself throughout the day that everything is okay between you two, especially if there is any similar questions to “you love me, right?”. Some can anxious due to their past and feel the need to get a little reminder, but sometimes they might end up asking too often for their partner’s taste.
I’d advice the talk to her regarding this.
This sounds a lot like my ex. We were together for 6 months so props for the 9 months. I literally started having multiple panic attacks a day because I was actually going insane. Just leave. If you’ve tried talking to her and expressing that it’s too much just leave. Don’t care about her feelings. Only focus on your own feelings and wellbeing and get out. It’s not going to get any better. She may only be clingy now but that’ll turn into controlling and paranoia later. Just. Get. Out.
You kinda have to sit her down and explain to her. Also, read up on some articles on the differences between men and women. Men NEED space, does she have any hobbies outside of school? Like painting, yoga or cooking? She should definitely start a hobby that will help her be more independent and help you get some space. Sooner or later you are going to break up if you keep going down this path.
She is probably experiencing a lot of anxiety and it manifests in this over-affection and questioning. It’s high time to have a mature and loving conversation about this. You need your space and alone time. She will never have a long-term relationship with these codependent behaviors.
Do you ever say you love her or hug her or plan what you guys do together unprompted? Or is it all initiated by her?
It does seem really extreme what she’s doing but I can partially understand if you’re never the one to do these things first. It’s like she’s begging you to show some affection and the extremeness is definitely insecurity.
Talk to her and set some boundaries so you get your alone time as everyone needs that and it’s healthy to have time apart. See if there’s a reason why she’s acting like this and talk out what you both want or don’t want.
Meanwhile I dropped my husband off at the airport today and was like “later nerd”
I’m really unsure why everyone immediately jumps to dump her in this case. While I agree that this could be really exhausting, I think you should clearly communicate how you feel. It could be that you two just have different love languages. Tell her that whilst you appreciate all of the hugs/I love you’s/attention, that you love her, but express that love differently and that you need time to yourself and to recharge. Make it clear that you love her, but that you just have different needs.
You’ve found out you are not compatible, congratulations!