I (F20) feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Been dating my gf for over a year and a half, during which the entire time there have been issues between my parents and my partner, partly due to me being the first born and my mom having a hard time loosening up. Issues range from being upset when I come home past 10 PM or not calling/texting every few hours to update where I’m at and what I’m doing/when I arrive somewhere or leave. My parents say I can do whatever I want, but I get passive aggressively criticized for everything.
It seems an issue arises every week. Last week, my mom blew up at me because I forgot to call her and let her know when I was coming home from hanging out with friends after class, even though she has my location and I let her know I’d be out beforehand. When my gf and I came home around 6pm, my sibling (NB13) came out to tell us there was no food prepped for us, and my gf and I went out to get dinner seeing as it was completely reasonable there was no food for us. Later that night my mom yelled at my sibling and I in front of my gf, my sibling for “making her seem bad to my gf” and me for not calling. Dad also yelled at us. My gf just sat there, bc what else do you do when your gf and her sibling get yelled at in front of you while you are ignored?
THE LATEST ISSUE: My gf picked me up so I could sleep over one night. After getting to her house around 11pm, mom calls and tells me I may or may not have to pick up my sibling as she accidentally made a doc appt around the same time, asks if “she can count on me?” (Recently she talks passive aggressively a lot about how she can’t rely on me anymore bc I’m too busy with school and my gf — I’m just trying to balance being a music major living at home while still having a relationship and spending time with my family at least 1-2x a week). Saying no usually results in a passive aggressive comment, so I say I will pick them up if she needs me to. I ask the next morning, she says she still doesn’t know. She calls me 20 minutes they’re out before to tell me I need to go pick them up. My gf is finishing a shower, and I don’t have my car so I have to wait for her. She tries to be quick and gets out when I tell her we gotta go, but due to her own issues we end up leaving 20 minutes past the time the bus dropped my sibling off, and my mom calls to say don’t worry, I am free now and will go. Dad was driving for Lyft, says he was unaware my mom could not pick them up until right before and was angry I didn’t tell him I could not when he “texted me to ask 2 hours before” (it was more like 30 minutes before).
When I came back home, my mom went off about how we both have responsibilities to our families and how I “am turning into my gf.” Gf sternly says that with all due respect she prefers if my mom does not talk about her family and their relationship seeing as my parents don’t know them (and they have said they don’t care to know them), and says it is her fault we were late as she did not get ready in time and I had no other way to go. Gf raises voice when my parents try to talk over her as they have been to me when I tried to explain. She leaves soon after to work, my parents say she needs to stop taking stuff personally when they didn’t even say anything about her. Last night, my mom told me she had to tell me that she will ignore my gf from now on whenever she comes over, because how dare she yell at her in her own house. This is not the first time my mom seemingly implies something about my gf to me or in front of her, then denies it and grows upset we took it that way when asked, but usually my gf stays quiet and goes home feeling hurt.
I feel so confused. I admit I dropped the ball by not picking my sibling up, I was about to call an uber but I do not have a job atm and didn’t have the money to. My family has always told me family must come first, that friends do not exist and the only people you can truly trust are family. My therapist believes it is good my gf stood up, and thinks my mom may have internalized homophobia, tolerating but not accepting me, as well as having a hard time giving up control due to my age. She says I’ve been gaslit so much that its why I have a hard time seeing these things, even though she believes my mom doesn’t even realize she is doing it. She said picking up my sibling isn’t my responsibility to begin with so I should not feel bad. Gf said she will continue to say hello to my mom out of manners, even if she ignores her (she has ignored her before briefly. Even when not ignoring her, introduces her as, “oh, and this is my daughter’s …friend” to anyone we meet). She also tells me she will never try to separate me from them and respects them as my parents, and is working on letting what they say about her go in one ear and out. I can’t move out as I don’t have the finances to rn. I don’t know how to feel or what to do – I just want everything to be okay.
TLDR; mom implied something negative about my gf’s family, gf got upset and asked them not to talk about her family in stern voice but trying to say so respectfully, mom now says she will ignore my gf as she had no right to yell at them and says she never even said anything bad about her family. I feel like I am standing between a rock and a hard place, kinda sad and wish there was more I could do.
6 comments
>My family has always told me family must come first, that friends do not exist and the only people you can truly trust are family.
Utter bullshit. Friends are the family you choose.
I realise most of us have this kind of crap drummed into us from a very early age, but the truth is that you always have a choice. You don’t owe anyone anything ,especially your loyalty, purely because you happen to be related.
>My therapist believes it is good my gf stood up, and thinks my mom may have internalized homophobia, tolerating but not accepting me, as well as having a hard time giving up control due to my age. She says I’ve been gaslit so much that its why I have a hard time seeing these things, even though she believes my mom doesn’t even realize she is doing it. She said picking up my sibling isn’t my responsibility to begin with so I should not feel bad.
Your therapist is completely right.
>My family has always told me family must come first, that friends do not exist and the only people you can truly trust are family.
So why are they acting untrustworthy?
You’re not between a rock and a hard place, you’re between a reasonable person and an unreasonable one. Your family has tried to convince you to always put them first, and use that as an excuse to behave badly and treat you badly because “we’re family”. But that’s bollocks. What matters is mutual respect and people caring about each other – the idea of family being important only makes sense if they’re **nice**. Basically “you can always count on us, we’ll always respect you and consider your feelings and we’d like you to view us the same way.” NOT “tolerate our bad behaviour because we’re family, so you’re stuck with it.” Because…you’re not!
OK, you can’t move out right now, but one day you can, and then…you’re free. There’s no “family police”, your mom will eventually have zero control over your life. Or rather, she’ll have as much control as you allow her to have.
Your mom sets up situations where she can yell. She is anti-GF because GF means you won’t be her servant and punching bag forever. They turned you not being able to take the car that isn’t yours instantly into attacking GF’s family. They then said they didn’t say anything about her or to her and will nevereverever speak to her evereverever again because she talked back to them, despite them not saying anything to her though they did and she deserved it.
Your parents suck. How is treating you like crap make family better than strangers? Family means you do more and expect less? I am so sorry.
I don’t need to read all of this to see your family is way too mingled. You’re 20. What you do is up to you and don’t let her rule you.
Families can be a nightmare, my parents and my siblings have always been a close family, but when I look at my extended family…….well let’s just say if I could pick my family I would have a very small family!