Hello, I seem to be in a very complicated situation. I’ve been dating this girl for a bit over 4 months and everything has been genuinely fantastic, except our sex life.
She just doesn’t feel any desire to do anything like that, she’s told me various times she isn’t asexual so that isn’t it. She also doesn’t like making out because she doesn’t like saliva. All of this sucks for me because I consider myself at least with an above average libido. We’ve talked about it in length and have devised steps to take moving forward, but I honestly think this might be a fundamental thing for her and I’m not sure it’ll get any better in the future, or at least I know I’ll be missing out on things I want to do.
I have no idea what to do, this girl is amazing in every other way possible, and I don’t want to leave her, but I just don’t know how much longer I can live with this. I plan on giving it some time (over a year) and see how things change then, but I don’t know if I can put up with minimal intimacy until then.
I would greatly appreciate advice here.
TL;DR my girlfriend and I are not of the same page sexually and while it might change in the future, I don’t know if I can get there.
37 comments
in what way is she NOT asexual?
she kind of sounds like me and i certainly consider myself ace.
is she demisexual? graysexual?
without more info i cant really recommend a course of action of finding a way to work with it, but if theres a big incompatibility here, it may just not work out.
You are in month 4 with this person & already having compatibility issues. Yet you want to wait to see if this will change in a year ? Good luck with that shit lmao.
Sexual compatibility is a huge part of a romantic relationship. If you’ve had discussion about it about how to move forward, then it might come down to staying or ending things based on this sexual incompatibility (which is an entirely VALID reason). On your gfs side, birth control and mood are two other factors (besides attraction) that can affect her libido. If you’ve already talked about doing more of the things she likes, getting her in the mood other ways (not just turning her on but doing something relaxing to her if she’s stressed) then it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
Just end it now, be glad it was 4 months and not 4 years in you made this post.
Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to stop seeing someone.
Get out. You only have an investment of 4 months….move on. You can’t fix her…so don’t even try. It’ll be nothing but frustration for you…If you stay.
You’re not compatible. No need to try so hard to make a 4 month relationship work. This is the honeymoon period man. The best it’s gonna be probably. Move on.
Although you may not think it’s a big deal, it is. I would discuss it but at the end of the day, move on
If your gf doesn’t identify as asexual what does she say is the reason for her lack of sexual desire? Is it something new or has she never felt it any past relationships? Has she experienced trauma in the past that makes the thought of being intimate with anyone unbearable?
I think it’s great that you are trying to be understanding but for this relationship (or any) to be healthy you have to be able to talk about your respective needs. Does she see the situation changing in the future? If not, then there isn’t much point in staying as both of you will ultimately be unhappy
Even asexuals like kissing. If she wasn’t raped or something, she probably isn’t attracted to you.
Personally I d be out the door connecting sexually is a huge thing for me as I have a healthy sex drive and need the same. I d be ending it or suggesting an open relationship.
It probably won’t change in the future – your move 🤷🏻♂️
if she does not like saliva/kissing, she has more than a libido problem. get out now. she has a serious problem – and until she seeks therapy of some sort, this is a no win for you
no saliva. that can be rough on anybody. time to slip out of this relationship.
Well damn 🙁 I’m in the same situation as you with my girlfriend (going on 3 years) and these comments certainly didn’t help. If you find any useful answers outside of “just end it now” let me know.
Just get out.
It’s only been 4 months, leave now before things get too serious
It’s gotta go both ways. Needs have to be fuffiled or someone in the relationship is going to find it elsewhere. Definitely be up front and open about it. If it’s absolutely off the table for her than step away. Make sure it’s not a tramatic thing first, meaning she has had a negative experience causing her to reject the idea of sex to begin with. Finding out the root to this may save the relationship. But if it doesn’t change soon then it’s unfortunately time to move on. I used to think sex shouldn’t matter in a relationship…. Boy was I wrong. It’s how you keep the relationship going. You need that connect and lust for each other.
You’re asking someone to change who they fundamentally are.
Is she on birth control? Like the pill, That can really mess with it
it sounds she really has some big issues going on or she just isn’t into you. either way she needs to be more open with you regards it.
The older i have become the less bothered and the less interested with the whole intimacy thing but l have been open with my partner about it.
some people it really bothers. sounds like it is you.
Four months could be a bit soon in some cultures, but her “ not liking saliva” is a big red flag for intimacy issues
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End the relationship, she’s clearly not into you sexually.
you cant change someone walk away
Maybe bring a third player into the game?
Honestly, the 2 of you are not compatible….it sounds like you need to break up and when the feelings are heed you can be friends.
Neither if you is wrong or bad, just not going to work as a couple.
Four months and you already have problems???? Not worth the trouble.
At four months couples who like sex would not be able to keep their hands off each other. You like sex and she doesn’t, she shouldn’t have to change and neither should you, it’s only four months I think it’s a fundamental difference and the best choice would be to break up imo
As a demisexual who came from “total asexual” it took me 3 years to have an actual intercourse with my then boyfriend at the time. We started dating as 21F and 20M and had intercourse at 24F and 23M. It was not a easy process. I must repeat. NOT EASY. For both parties. Specially because we really liked each other. But again, both of us were virgins and we were learning everything together, starting from sharing our first kiss.
It was a path filled with lots of uncomfortable conversations, tears, fears, and then, even after we did started having actual sex (because we were doing everything else before), it was not the end of our problems. He would get pretty sad that I wouldn’t climax with him, even though I really liked our sex and intimacy. Anyways…
It ended for different reasons almost 2 years ago, but I still blame myself for being a difficult girlfriend for him in so many different aspects.
I am not saying this girl will take 3 years like I did. Again, we would kiss, make out, explore each other’s bodies, having oral at each other, everything besides penetration during these three years, but every step took a while. On the other hand your girlfriend doesn’t like the very first step, which is to kiss. I know that there are some asexuals out there that don’t like kissing too, but, damn…
If you feel it’s true that “this girl is amazing” and she thinks the same of you (!! Important), if BOTH are willing to find a common term and willing to wait, to work this out, and respect each other, it can come out well. The path will have lots of spikes along the way, but yeah…..
I’d seek counselling for YOURSELF if you decide to stay so it doesn’t become a grudge against her in the future.
But please never never look at this as the main “stone” of your relationship, or the only issue. I know sexuality is a big issue but it will never be the only thing. I just hope you don’t make the same mistakes as we did. After we first had sex things were gradually going worse because we didn’t communicate well anymore for other aspects. Guess we got tired of having any type of confrontations at all….
Good luck my friend, for whatever you should decide.
Edit: small edits to add new sentences for clarification
Find a Horny girlfriend. Everybody will be happy
Like others have noted sexual compatibility is pretty important. If person X loves bondage and being submissive their sex life probably won’t be fulfilling if they end up with someone who also loves being dominated/being submissive. Sex is important to lots of people. Not being compatible sexually would be and has been a deal breaker for me in relationships. I have some very specific fetishes and they are about the only things that get me off/make sex fun. I would have a completely unfulfilled sex life if I couldn’t partake in these fetishes and I am not willing to live my whole life unfulfilled in that area nor am I willing to have someone partake in something they don’t like forever just for me. It’s good you can communicate about it. It’s great it seems you have some form of plan moving forward. However if she just isn’t super sexual/has a near nonexistent libido it may be hard to find a place you are both happy as one person will be ‘going without’ having sex as much as they want or one is always ‘giving in’ to having sex when they don’t want to. It could eventually lead to resentment which will cause a myriad of other problems outside of the bedroom.
Maybe she was molested or raped. Maybe she is a virgin. Maybe she has no confidence in her looks. Maybe she has some health concerns. You want sex you have to be more than just a hard dick. Just saying
Ask why? Start there. Tell her it’s important to you and if she not ace u want her to feel comfortable. Is she on birth control?
Is she a virgin? If you have already had sex and she doesn’t want to have it again, then maybe it was painful or not enjoyable for some reason and you’ll need to discuss it. Sometimes, women will choose not to have sex at all if the man isn’t pleasing her or prioritizing her needs. If you all have never had sex, she could be afraid to or maybe have been sexually abused in the past.
So many possible reasons. But if she has ruled out everything and just doesn’t want to have sex then end it now. Save yourself the frustration and damage to your self esteem.
Why would you wait a year? Why do you think it would change in the future? She doesn’t want sex. You are not compatible. End things gracefully and find someone who is sexually compatible with you.
Ethical non-monogamy. Boom.