I’ve been reading the Attachment Theory book and OMG!! I’ve encounter so much advice in this book that point blank rounds counter to a lot of mainstream advice and especially more advice in this subreddit… such as the following..
> Say you decide to follow the advice of many popular relationship books. They offer guidelines to help you “land” a partner, such as:
* Don’t make yourself too available,
* say you’re busy even when you’re not,
* don’t call him—wait for him to call you,
* don’t appear to care too much, act mysterious.
> Presumably, you preserve your dignity and independence in this way and gain your partner’s respect. But in fact,what you are doing is behaving in a way that is not true to your genuine needs and feelings. You wave these aside to appear strong and self-sufficient. And indeed, these books and the advice they give are right;these behaviors may indeed make you seem more attractive.
> What They don’t mention, because they are unaware of attachment science,is that they will make you seem more attractive to a very particular kind of partner—an avoidant one. ** Why? Because, in essence, what they are advocating is that you ignore your needs and let the other person determine the amount of closeness/distance in the relationship. Theavoidant person can have his/her cake and eat it too, so to speak—s/he can enjoy the thrill and closeness you naturally project when youare together without having to consider your needs for intimacy and togetherness the rest of the time. By being someone you’re not, you’re allowing another to be with you on his or her own terms and come and go as s/he pleases.Another problem is that if this type of game playing is only an act for you, it’s going to backfire in the long run. First, your avoidant partner will quickly catch on to you—they are good at detecting people who want to impinge on their autonomy. Second, eventually you’ll think it’s time to let your true colors show. After all, what you really want is to reach a high degree of intimacy, to spend a lot of quality time together,to be able to let down your guard. **But you’ll find that when you do so,your avoidant partner will suddenly get cold feet and start to disengage. Either way, you lose, because you are attracting the wrong kind of partner for you.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9547888-attached
I highly encourage anyone who has spent a lot of time on this sub “researching” to pick up this book.
11 comments
It’s a good book and generally considered required reading over at r/datingoverthirty, for what it’s worth.
That said, it’s possible to go overboard with attachment “science”. (A warning about that “science” label: attachment theory is based on a couple of small studies and some researchers’ hypotheses. Don’t take it as established fact about how the mind definitely always works with no exceptions.) The distinction between avoidant, anxious, and secure behaviors is sound and *very* helpful, but it can also end up being used in an unproductive way. I’ve heard several people talk about attachment behaviors as though they’re a disease they have: “I have anxious attachment”, “I did X because I’m an avoidant”, as though they’re permanent features of our minds indelibly hardwired into us.
The different attachment styles outlined in that book are useful as *interpretive frames* to help us make sense of our feelings and how we act on them. Just don’t take them as identity markers and the book can have a very positive impact on your relationships.
I think I should read that book. I have avoidant personality disorder and the quotes was pretty interesting. Explains my behavior in a way. The thing with avoidant people is that we often crave a lot of intimacy but at the same time we are easily spooked if things get too serious. Its a paradox really.
As a society we glorify avoidant behavior, we see them as cool, detached, successful, independent, and it serves society to pedestalise them because they tend to focus heavily on work and productivity as an escape from their emotional needs.
Culturally we glorify them because relationships with avoidants tend to be dramatic shitshows and that makes for good television.
We do NOT value (as a society) loving and emotionally stable relationships, as those seem boring and uninteresting and thats why you get all the shit advice, it’s to win partners which we have been taught to prize though economic and cultural glorification as high value which is reinforced by their dismissive attitudes, when the reality is they are emotionally poisonous.
I say this as a recovering avoidant, i’ve been this asshole 🙁
The golden rule- treat people like you want to be treated. That’s should be sufficient
The “match energy” advice only follows if they/their group are lower energy than you, *and you want to give time for genuine attraction/connection*. While it can work to ingratiate yourself to a group, eventually, you have to be yourself
This is why i think Models by Mark Manson is one of the best advice books when it comes to dating. His main point is doing away with neediness when it comes to dating. While this may sound like
> * Don’t make yourself too available, * say you’re busy even when you’re not, * don’t call him—wait for him to call you, * don’t appear to care too much, act mysterious.
In actuality its about being secure in yourself and being able to be honest and vulnerable when dating. I agree that projection is inevitably bound to fail and pretending to be something you’re not is gonna be as well.
But being truly secure in yourself and showing someone what you want and what you wanna give is a very vulnerable thing to do.
Most common knowledge is wrong.
The whole matching other peoples energy thing is typical just a buzz trend among young women who have no idea what emotional maturity is really about.
The only time I’m matching their energy is when they don’t put in effort. Why would I put in energy, effort and make accommodations for someone who doesn’t even try? I’m not interested in doing all the work, no thank you.
Funk all the mental gymnastics, and toxic shit. if you’re a mature adult you don’t have time to waste on this bs, move on to the next.
I don’t really know much about attachment types, but I’m deeply introverted and therefore value and need alone time. What’s the difference between being introverted and having an avoidant attachment type?