TL;DR – My wife thinks I don’t know she is planning to cheat on me, and I want to save our marriage before it happens. How should I confront her about it?
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These have been the absolute worst few weeks of my life. Lots of words incoming…
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My (33M) wife (33F) has been messaging an old guy friend of hers from high school, and in their messages to each other it REALLY seems like they are planning on hooking up at a local hotel.
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Here’s the backstory for everyone – My wife and I had an amazing relationship when we got together. We would tell each other everything, we had the same goals in life, and were so compatible with each other. After we had been dating just a couple weeks, I felt like I had already spent my whole life with her, and I wanted to make sure I was with her for the rest of it. I accepted her daughter from a previous marriage as my own, and that great kid loved me as her father. Our friends and relatives would remark that we sound like an old married couple. If we had a fight, we would talk it out and reach a resolution without any hurt feelings. She quickly became my best friend, and I would do anything for her that she ever asked. We met in 2011, started dating in 2013, got married in 2016, and with the birth of our first child in 2017, she wanted to become a stay-at-home mom to raise our growing family. She is my first and only girlfriend, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to be with her on this journey we call life.
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So, what happened then? It was in January 2021 that things started to sour. Around that time, I started going back into the office for a newer, better job in the same company, and was exhausted from the work and commute. This exhaustion fueled my aggravation at things my wife could do better at, like doing the dishes or not spending so much time on her MMO gaming. I became grouchy and melancholy, and I started to slowly distance myself from her. Everything was still mostly good, but movie nights with her on the couch became a little less frequent, neither of us would cook as much at home so we began opting for fast food or frozen conveniene foods for us and the kids.
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Jump ahead to July this year. One of the busiest months I have ever had, between getting a new job and hobby stuff on the weekends, there was a lot going on to deal with. Cue my dad passing away unexpectedly on a Friday afternoon. I had arrived at hotel for a small gaming convention and the last text from him was “glad you made it there safe, have a great weekend!” And then three hours later my mom called me to say that he was gone. Once I was back home and grieving, I started to notice a couple things were different about my wife. The biggest thing was she didn’t do much of anything to console me during this time. I was pretty stoic about my dad’s passing, and once I got my ugly cry out and said goodbye to him, I had accepted what had happened. But I realized that my wife had become very distant from me by then.
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Also, during July, my wife disabled her old Facebook profile and created a new one. She had grown disillusioned with several of her friends on there, many of whom were college friends that don’t speak to us anymore, and a bunch of biggoted old people that she knew from her years in church when she was a kid. So, she opted to get rid of that one and start a new one that she can use to befriend exactly who she wants. I supported her on this, as I had made this suggestion to her a year or two ago for those same reasons.
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Jump ahead a few more weeks, to last Tuesday, when I realized that had completely emotionally distanced herself from me, and I didn’t take it well. Neither of us have been abusive in any way to each other, but we were both neglecting each other, ourselves, and, worst of all, our kids. I finally noticed that whenever we would try to do anything with each other, she no longer would say “I love you” first to me. She would still respond with “I love you, too” whenever I said it to her, but she was no longer initiating it, and that had NEVER happened in nine years since we started dating. My heart began hurting in ways I never expected. As much as I was frustrated with her, I still loved her more than anything, and would do anything for her she asked. But she wasn’t asking for anything, she never got visibly upset with me or yell at me to let me know that I was not doing what she needed or wanted. There was something wrong.
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On Tuesday, I struggled. I couldn’t sleep that night at all because I was worried about what had happened between the two of us and when things started to go downhill. I got on my phone and searched things like “why is my wife distant” or “does my wife still love me?” and the articles I read led me to the idea that she may be cheating on me. I first thought that there is no way she would do that. But I started to think about it, and then I started to have a breakdown. It started to make sense. And it turned out she had not done anything yet – but was planning to in a couple weeks.
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Now you may be asking, how do I know this? Because I looked on her phone while she was sleeping to see what was happening. Now before anyone says anything, my wife and I have always had an open-phone policy in our relationship. At no point have either of us kept a secret from each other, often sharing each other’s phones to grab pictures of the kids, or use Google Maps, or anything. No secret passwords for our accounts, we shared everything. I looked through her texts and saw nothing in there to indicate her affair. But her Messenger was a different story….
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So that Tuesday night that I had my breakdown and was looking on her phone? Just the day before she had accepted a friend request from one of her friends (M33) from high school. Now to be fair, she has been trying to reconnect with some of her high school friends on her new profile as part of that fresh start on Facebook in the weeks since creating the profile. But she had not been messaging any of them on Facebook/Messenger. So I started reading, and this is where it gets bad…
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To summarize, he reached out to her because he saw her profile because Facebook recommended her as a friend. They started to chat on Monday that week and catch up on how things have been for them the past fifteen years. My wife lied to him by saying she was working at the local Walmart, which she stopped working at after our first child was born in 2017. He says he remembers her being sweet and smart and nice, and asks what her housing situation is like, to which she responds that she is renting a place with a female housemate who has kids, and she needs get her own place. Then there is a bunch of chatting about the TV show Firefly and its spin off movie, Serenity. Then my wife confesses to him that he was one of her crushes back in high school. They share selfies and get all bashful with each other, and say goodnight.
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This guy being a crush was news to me, as I had only ever heard this guy’s name in passing a couple times when my wife would tell me stories from her high school years. As many times as she talked about her other crushes and the stories of her breakups with them, or the times she wasn’t able to date them, this guy was only ever mentioned as a friend to another friend, never as one of the actual crushes.
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Tuesday’s messages start with good mornings, and my wife asking him when he might be coming back into town (he moved somewhere about 5 hour away, while my wife stayed local). He gives her a date, and she suggests a bar to meet at, and then he suggests they watch the movie Serenity afterwards. She mentions they can’t watch it at her place because it’s too crowded with someone else’s kids, so she suggests using the back her Jeep (which is actually my mom’s Jeep, she has been letting us borrow for quite some time), or even getting a hotel room. He’s up for the hotel room.
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There is more chit chat, during which my wife mentions she is at her non-existent job about to go on her lunch break. A few messages later, he then asks her about her relationship she has listed on her Facebook profile. She tells him that she is in an “ambiguous” relationship that is kind of open, and that her she met her boyfriend in college but he lives in another country. He then remarks that he got engaged to his fiancée two years ago and they still haven’t got married yet. Then he asks what about her kid from her previous marriage, to which she replied that she is living with her father right now (which NEVER happened at any point after they divorced). So yeah, apparently she never listed herself as “married” on Facebook during this, just “in a relationship”. That one stung…
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That evening they are still texting each other, and they then start talking about how they sleep at night. Apparently, he sleeps naked in order to be “comfy”, while my wife replies that she has to sleep in just her underwear to get “comfy”. They then agree that they should get a room with two beds instead of a room with one bed and a chair so they can both be “comfy” while they watch Serenity. Then a couple more comments and silly flirting, and one final comment about being “comfy” when they sleep in the room.
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Earlier Tuesday morning, my wife came to me and asked if she could go on a night out with some of her friends from high school to a local bar (the one she mentioned to her guy friend). She also mentions that they are going to get a hotel room together and watch Serenity together afterwards. That night when I saw the messages with her guy friend, and a complete lack of messages or texts with any of her other friends that she mentioned would be going with her.
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This broke me. Every emotion hit me while I panicked. I finally calmed down, but was still unable to sleep, especially next to her in bed. When she woke up that next morning, I had an ugly cry with her about how I realized that I had not been doing a good job as a husband and decided that I wanted to be with her with me no matter what happens between us. She cried and made a comment that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be married or be a mom anymore. We talked more about her feelings, and she finally opened up that she has been bi-curious over the past six or seven months, that she had a crush on a girl she met through her MMO gaming that she has played with for a couple months now, and that is the reason why she has been distant over the past month or so.
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I never once mentioned to her that I know of the messages to her guy friend from high school, and I still have not.
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In the days since this, I’ve been trying to reconnect with my wife and change myself. I realized with my dad’s death that I was not doing as well as I should have, and after all of it I want to forgive her and stay with her forever. The thought of going scorched-earth and kicking her out without any financial support makes me physically ill, as she has less than a thousand dollars to her name, no credit score, no car, and no job. I care too much about her and our kids to hurt her or get even, and I am willing to work with her to fix our relationship and go forward stronger than before. We have had several good nights of getting in a long-overdue date night, snuggling up and watching some movies together, and she is starting to act more like her old self around the kids too, so part of me thinks we can save everything. I don’t want to place too much blame on her, as I am aware of my failings as a husband and partner have been recently, but I have some questions that need to be answered. But if we can repair our relationship and marriage, it doesn’t matter to me if anyone else ever finds out. She has not done anything with this guy yet, so my goal is to hopefully stop it before she makes a terrible decision.
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The worst part of this to me is that she is lying to this guy friend about her own life. She told him that she never remarried and had more kids, she is still working, and her boyfriend live internationally and is okay with an open and ambiguous relationship. I can’t figure out what she is doing this for? Like, is she wanting to abandon our family to start a new one? Does she just want a fling for a mid-life crisis or something?
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I haven’t looked at many of her messages with him since then. Only enough to know that they are still chatting quite a bit, and that she still hasn’t messaged any of her other high school friends that she mentioned to me earlier. I also have not contacted the guy about this. I found him on Facebook, and could easily prove to him that he is being lied to by my wife about her current life, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.
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What I really need help with is if should try to confront her before she goes and gets “comfy” with this guy in a hotel room after drinking at a bar. I want to say something, but I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this right now before I say anything. My thinking is that I confront her a few days before she is scheduled to meet this guy, tell her that I read her messages, and ask her questions like:
\- Why did you lie to this guy about your life?
\- Why are you wanting to do this?
\- What is your ultimate goal with this guy?
\- Was he really one of your old high school crushes?
\- What did I do that or not do that lead you down this path?
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Does anyone have any other ideas for questions to ask her? Or how I should handle this situation? How should I broach the subject with her? Should I confront the guy about this? I have not had any luck trying to find advice about this situation. There’s plenty for how to handle things AFTER cheating, but I found nothing regarding BEFORE cheating.
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Any advice?
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Oh, and if my wife should stumble upon this somehow, I want you to know that I forgive you, I love you, and I want us make things better than they were before.
9 comments
I think all but the first question is good.
Honestly it’s moot point on why she lied to him. It doesn’t matter, and it’s not what you should be focusing on.
Telling her that you know and love her and that you are willing to make it work are the most important things you can say.
You can ask why, but you are unlikely to get a straight, and honestly you know why.
What is more important is:
Does she still love you?
Does she want to make it work with you?
Will she cut off all contact with him?
Everything else either doesn’t matter or needs to be discussed with a counselor who can help you both navigate the difficult questions around it.
Also, I’ve been where you are. I know how bad you want to know. But you don’t really, and you can’t come back from it. The past is the past, focus on the future.
Screenshot everything and prepare for divorce.
I think the biggest red flag was when she said she didn’t want to be a mom anymore. Not really something you get to go back on
Confront her. And tell her that you’re dumping her. She has already cheated on you, even if not physically. If you confront her without showing consequences, depending on her personality, she might push back and still feel justified in her actions. You need to “rattle her cage” and make the affair fog go away.
You’ll see how she responds: remorseful, just guilty because she was caught, entitled, gaslighting, shift blaming…
By confronting her in advance, you also make sure that nothing physical happens, which is a must if you want eventually to reconcile. Even though she has already cheated on you, becoming physical is taking the situation to a whole different level imo. Men express love physically, and you’ll have a hard time reconciling the fact that she was with another man: what did they do?, what positions, did she like it, did she do things for him that she doesn’t do for me. Chances are you’ll feel emasculated, and that’s a hard feeling to come back from. By doing this, you give yourselves the chance to reconcile.
Even if you do try to reconcile (again: pay attention to how she responds, and whether it is worth it), do not be lenient. At first you need to be brutal (not physically of course), you need to make her understand how serious her behavior is. And that your life in common is on the line.
She needs to do the heavy lifting to earn your trust again. There’s no other way unfortunately.
None of this is on you. She is exclusively the one to blame.
Good luck, brother.
You’ve accepted her, raised another man’s child as your own, got promoted to a better paying job… and she sits at home gaming and starts an affair immediately after your father died. She’s suddenly bi-curious, been flirting with a woman in her gaming group and she hasn’t even confessed about this guy and is still planning to do it.
This woman is a manipulative sociopath and only cares about herself and no one else. Lies, lies lies.
Cut your losses.
soo three steps come to mind.
step 1) Screenshot everything, find contact details for the dudes fiance, retain a lawyer and be ready.
step 2) Whilst you are building things back up with your wife, drop in with a bit of embarrassment that at one point you even started to worry she might been leaning towards cheating on you and your so glad you know she would never do that and how cheating would be an absolute deal breaker for you. (gives her a chance to break out the fog and let her know where you stand)
step 3) continue monitoring: if she cancels with the dude then keep things going and go for marriage counseling.
If she doesn’t then either tail them to the hotel or hire a PI and get confirmation. (if they go into the room Id say that would be enough to confirm, if not then you can turn up knock and see whats going on). Go scorched earth, have her served, send all the details to his fiance.
Personally I think unless you are willing to divorce over her arranging to meet up confronting her will just drive her underground. I’d expect her to first turn it on you “how dare you go through my phone and invade my privacy”, then blame you “You where gone so often I felt abandoned!” and finally either promising all the things needed for repair (at which point you will need immediate access to all of her social media so she has no chance to hide her tracks) or to call your bluff and you need to hold to it.
of the questions you have 1-3 can be answered with “To sleep with him” for 4 I have to ask does it really matter? and 5, its not you, she is a cheat (or on her way) people who don’t cheat would ask whats going on and try to build some communication back. (emotional infidelity with crushes I can see how that happens when a partner pulls away for an extended time, not excusing it but can see how it happens.)
the only real question is for you to answer “Where do you draw the line of no return?”
I wouldn’t want to save anything with a cheater. She’s just gonna get better at hiding it. Collect the evidence and serve her. Do NOT do any kind of pick me dance or beg her not to leave. Send her packing. Shock and awe. Expose her to everyone
You really do love this woman, and she doesn’t deserve you or your love one bit.
That being said. Be honest with her. Tell her you’ve found everything, and ask her if she’d like a divorce since you can’t force someone to stay with you, no matter how much you love her.. Or ask her if she wants your help through this all.
Edit: Maybe that’s the wake up call she needs.. Kind of disgusting how she’s literally catfishing the other dude too, she needs some help.
She’s cheating on you and lying to the guy she’s having an affair with. She’s a cheater and a liar. Prepare for divorce.
You sound like a lovely guy. I’m sorry to say that you need to give yourself the respect you deserve.
If I found my wife sending someone those messages I would be inclined to think she’s already cheating. She’s pretending like you and your children do not exist. Her head is already somewhere else. I have a good friend who’s also blaming himself for his Gf cheating on him because she didn’t work and as a result he had to work long hours to support their family of three. I’m not saying you couldn’t have been a bit more present while going through extra pressures of work, but far out that doesn’t make someone who loves you jump straight into cheating. Also consider if having a dad who’s so focused on making sure mum is 110% happy so she has no thoughts of cheating or not wanting to be a parent is the best situation for your kids.
Not to mention she is leading old mate from high school down the garden path of bs.
Definitely need some intervention and professional help to a resolution.