I am AP but with a mild Secure leaning at times. My 34yo boyfriend, who I believe to be an Avoidant, but unsure if it’s fearful or dismissive, and I had a chat a few days ago where he told me he was feeling ‘weird’ about our relationship, and he was thinking he should break it off.
He asked me what I need from him in our relationship and I told him words of affirmation and quality time make me feel secure. He’s said that he doesn’t know if he’s giving me what I need/deserve, and is worried he’s not putting the same energy into our relationship that I am.
I heard him out and walked him through what he was feeling and why, and the conversation ended with him saying he felt so much better after I listened to him, and that he is feeling his walls come down with me. I asked him for verbal affirmation that his feelings for me are there and he said they are, and that he’s sharing things with me about himself that he’s never shared with anyone else before.
The next day he messaged me saying thank you for the chat, and that being around me was exactly what he needed after everything.
I really care for him, and I am falling in love with him. After this chat I want to support him and am trying to understand if this is dismissive or fearful behaviour?
I also want to see if there is a way of support after a conversation like this that an Avoidant responds to best?
I also wondered when it comes to texting if instant responses make an Avoidant feel uncomfortable? I normally reply a lot faster than he does to messages. He will never not respond to me, but it might be a chunk of time in between which doesn’t bother me, but I was curious if it bothers him I reply instantly.
Since the chat I have been having highs and lows on how I feel about the situation, and have been doing a lot of research go try get my head around how I can grow myself and learn to support his apparent attachment style.
Being that we are all in our 30s and above, I feel this is a good forum for sense checking if what I’m feeling and asking for is valid.
7 comments
The yo-yo pattern suggests more fearful avoidant than dismissive avoidant. I’m dating a FA and even as someone who is secure, it’s not easy to be on the other side of the push and pull dynamic. You have to stay secure and not become anxious, because that pushes them away more. But you also need to do respect your own boundaries. It probably doesn’t bother him that you reply quickly, but his response time may not improve.
Check out these two books you could potentially read/listen to together:
Attached by Amir Levine
The Power of Attachment by Diane Pool Heller
“He’s said that he doesn’t know if he’s giving me what I need/deserve, and is worried he’s not putting the same energy into our relationship that I am.” Read this over and over again.
Its not your job to “walk him through” his emotions, or “work through” his attachment style. You are setting yourself up for a world of hurt. MOVE ON.
I think the attachment framework is great. But it’s not an answer to everything. Your dynamic and the circumstances that you both are in (timing, readiness, life events) are all real factors too.
If you truly want an “attachment” answer— lean into your secure side. Act from that place.
When we’re not ticking boxes we’re putting people in em.
As an avoidant myself (working in it) I recommend freetoattach.com for a compassionate and kind (but not sugar coated) view of avoidants if you really want to understand us better.
Recommend you share with your partner since it has resources for both avoidants and people in a relationship with an avoidant.
Just a friendly reminder that he also needs to put in the work on himself, the relationship and in meeting your needs for this to work.
Sincerely wish you luck in your relationship!
A pattern of behaviour I’ve seen by people who identify as having an anxious attachment style is that they then go onto analyse their partners and then “work” to try and get their partner in line with how they would like them to be. Anyone who isn’t anxious is branded as some kind of avoidant and so the “work” begins.
This is pretty standard for anxious types and begins to lean into codependency and “fixing” behaviour. Pouring work and effort into their partners instead of turning towards themselves. Resentment builds when the “avoidant” partner doesn’t fall in line and everything usually explodes into a big mess.
Attached by Amir Levine has come under repeated criticism for the way it portrays “avoidant” people and skews towards external validation of anxious patterns of behaviour. So personally I wouldn’t use it as any kind of guide for how to “approach” attachment in relationships.
[The Secure Relationship](https://instagram.com/thesecurerelationship?utm_medium=copy_link) is a really good resource and starting point for both anxious and avoidant styles of attachment that focuses on personal work and not fixing the other person.