I’ve never been a girly girl. In my late thirties I tend to just dress for comfort, wearing exercise pants and T-shirts, and I don’t like to wear make up because it makes my face itch and my skin break out. I don’t know what to do with my hair, it’s very thick and I’ve never been able to figure out how to style it. In short I feel very unattractive.
I’m also not exactly the ideal paragon of femininity. I like playing video games, going to antique stores and old bookstores, reading, tap dancing, watching TV, hiking, and just being my silly self. I don’t like to cook, I don’t go to the gym. I am not super good at flirting, and I don’t really like having sex with people right away. And even with someone I love, I don’t really like doing it that much. It’s always felt kind of painful and high pressure. I just like to cuddle. On the plus side I have a lot of love to give. I’m supportive, creative, smart, and do a lot of adventurous activities that according to my friends make me interesting.
But I’m scared to date.
Because after all this time being ME I just don’t want to pretend to be somebody who is dateable. I don’t want to get all dressed up and feel bad about how I look anyway. I don’t want to flirt or have sex with strangers I’m not even attracted to yet. I don’t want to have to pretend I know what I’m doing or that I have a healthy relationship history because I’m afraid of throwing up red flags.
I have never gotten anyone I like to be interested in me by just being myself. The only people that I attract are people that I unfortunately don’t have any immediate chemistry with. I try to give it time for feelings to develop, but I feel pursued by them and it makes me nervous.
I also seem to attract people who are ultimately abusive or have even worse baggage than me. And I know I shouldn’t judge people with baggage, but I can’t pretend to be in a sexual relationship with somebody who is cruel to me or that I’m not even remotely attracted to just because I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
Its like even though we are a more accepting society, the truth is if you have social anxiety or you just need to take things slow or you have some issues that make you a little awkward, you are Undateable. I’ve seen it on all these forums, the minute someone does anything slightly off, everyone says dump them and run away. Well I feel like I’m an Undateable person, and that’s why I’m afraid to date, because I’m either going to be rejected for being myself or exhausted by having to be someone I’m not.
So how do I deal?
47 comments
Accept your lot and date those men you attract who you “don’t have any immediate chemistry with”, or change yourself into someone who more men would want to date. Those are your options, I don’t know what magical third option you were expecting people here to present to you.
So why does being feminine equate with being datable? Why are you rejecting yourself before others can? I hear a lot about why you aren’t good enough. What do you well and enjoy? If I were your friend or dating you that’s what would interest me.
I’m a woman who is very much a tomboy and a nerd. That didn’t appeal to many, and to others I was their dream. I didn’t care about attracting the first group (if I wanted people to judge me negatively then I’d move back in with my parents) and focused my attention on the second group. That was where I found success.
Learning how to filter out people who are not right for you is one of the skills of dating that doesn’t come easily to many. But someone who is going to judge you as harshly as you are judging yourself isn’t someone you want around anyway. This may be hard with anxiety – I know from personal experience. How I worked through it was to recognize this was just a date. It had zero meaning unless I allowed to have more. It was chance to practice my skills, especially learning how to say no to people once I recognized they were no good for me. That latter group I used to give far too many chances. It doesn’t mean I rejected immediately for small things either. Finding that balancewas the trickiest part of me, but I learned from each mistake and did better the next time.
Also, don’t take all the advice you hear online as truth, even mine. There are lots of people who haven’t matured past putting everything they find in their mouths offering relationship advice or just regurgitating the hateful messages they themselves fear.
There’s a difference between working on yourself to become a bit more dateable and completely changing who you are and losing your integrity. There’s nothing wrong with who you are, but yeah if you want to be more dateable you ought to go to the gym, dress up a bit more and wear some makeup, and work on those more superficial aspects of dating. Dating is somewhat superficial especially at the beginning, and presentation counts. If you were honest with yourself I would imagine you also have standards when it comes to how a man presents himself.
Everyone’s dateable to somebody 🤷🏻♀️
> Because after all this time being ME I just don’t want to pretend to be someone who is dateable
I can relate to this a lot. I see the advice given about dating, be it OLD strategies or ways to “meet more people in the wild” and 98% of aren’t me, and don’t feel genuine about wanting to change how I am.
> I’ve never been a girly girl. In my late thirties I tend to just dress for comfort, wearing exercise pants and T-shirts, and I don’t like to wear make up because it makes my face itch and my skin break out.
Honestly, this sounds ideal. More attractive to me personally anyway than someone in tight fitting or fancy style clothes. I too enjoy being more comfortable and practical in my outfits/dress for the day. As many homebody and/or outdoor activities where this clothing is appropriate as a couple with someone I’m dating? Sign me up! Obviously I do enjoy a dinner out here and there and I don’t think flip flops and stained sweatpants are appropriate for a restaurant…but I can’t see myself in freshly ironed slacks and tucked in polo just hanging around..
I don’t think I can mesh well with someone who puts importance or finds enjoyment in fashion, needs to basically dress up like it’s prom night to go out on the town and be seen mingling with other people at whatever kitschy event is happening this weekend. Sounds exhausting.
> I don’t know what to do with my hair, it’s very thick and I’ve never been able to figure out how to style it.
Hmm, not that anyone cares but I guess my one weakness is I do find hair is a trait I’ll notice on someone real quick. 😶
> I’m also not exactly the ideal paragon of femininity. I like playing video games, going to antique stores and old bookstores, reading, tap dancing, watching TV, hiking, and just being my silly self.
Oh word? Sweet!
> I don’t go to the gym.
Me neither and I don’t like feeling intimidated by those who make working out half their identity so, also sweet!
> I am not super good at flirting, and I don’t really like having sex with people right away.
Fair and refreshing
> On the plus side I have a lot of love to give. I’m supportive, creative, smart, and do a lot of adventurous activities that according to my friends make me interesting.
🙂
> The only people that I attract are people that I unfortunately don’t have any immediate chemistry with. I try to give it time for feelings to develop, but I feel pursued by them and it makes me nervous.
Ah, and there it is… the I don’t like the ones who like me conundrum. See, at one point if I ran across the OLD profile version of someone like you, a video game playing, no pics depicting all fancied up for a night on the town but just pics of comfy around the house style, into hiking, not gym obsessed…10 years ago I would have been super excited to try to match with that kind of profile, thinking this is way more my speed and preference of someone. And I’d probably end up being ignored or whatever. 5 year ago me would have hemmed and hawed over weather it was worth trying to chat with this profile because it usually goes nowhere, might depend on if I woke up on the right side of the bed or if I was drunk if I’d bother trying to start a chat, and ultimately it probably would go nowhere even if I do. The present day I don’t even use OLD because I already know there’s no point.
Since it’s already like a niche of what I’m “looking for” in someone vs what most people are like when trying to be “dateable”, that’s already hard enough I guess, then add the fact that this other person has to have reasons to feel like they’re into me and…well they simply don’t feel that way back or bother even giving it a shot. And maybe I’ve done the same thing to other people, idk…
Yeah, blah all around I guess.
I can’t say I’ve never done this myself, I probably have.
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In addition to what others said – maybe it’s not your intention, but you’re coming across as a bit of a “not like the other girls” person. I’d be careful with that. Plenty of women hike and read (myself included), and watching TV and gaming are hardly niche hobbies.
You don’t need to be ultra femme to get a partner, I’m sure you know that on some level.
I do think your outlook might be making it harder to find a partner. It’s hard to attract the right people if you don’t see value in yourself.
Are you fulfilled in other areas of your life? Are you happy with your hobbies, do you have friends?
As an aside, do you think you might be asexual (based on your comment about not liking sex)? That might help with filtering.
You are dateable! Get that negativity outa here first things first!
Some men are going to like everything you just thought was a negative. Don’t be so hard on yourself!! You gotta kiss a lot of frogs… and also don’t rule out sex. You might like it better with the right person!!
also I’m a hairstylist and I love nothing more than when someone male or female asks me to teach them how to style their hair easily. You don’t need to be doing anything crazy but maybe something that might just make you feel a touch better but also if that’s not your thing no pressure. But since you mentioned it I’m just going to mention ask a professional to teach you during your next cut!
I don’t believe you have to do any of the things you mentioned in order to be dateable. Sure, a lot of people are into the dressing up and being feminine/masculine type of dating, but definitely not everyone!
From your post, it looks like you know who you are and what you like, and I think that’s a great place to date from because it allows you to find people who appreciate that. It’s going to be a bit harder when we are “unconventional” but not impossible. The challenge is to learn how to filter out the people you don’t vibe with as early as possible. For example, I tend to skip hyper masculine guys as we usually don’t match. Wanting to be treated with respect is not a too high standard. It’s easier to be patient if you are happy alone. And I think it’s pretty much always possible to become more “dateable” by working on healthy habits, mindset etc. without compromising on personal interests, style and comfort
Nothing you’ve listed would scare me away, and I’m generally considered a well-adjusted dude.
If you keep attracting something discordant, look at what metrics you’re using when you match, or even the phrasing of things in your profile.
Maybe even try a profile review here?
Not seeking to victim blame, mind, but often times until we analyze some specific things, we don’t know how to find proper resonance – and as a result we attract the wrong sorts.
No advice, but I feel this. Especially only attracting people that you’re not attracted to. Personally I just keep going on dates, rarely making it past a first date, and it’s tiring. But it does get less scary.
I’ll keep it brief: As long as you feel like you’re someone that *you* would want to date, you’re dateable.
I have typically male dominated hobbies like video games, forging, robotics, for example and have never been told it’s anything other than a super plus by guys. I don’t think that would hold you back.
Dressing comfortably has also never been a problem, nor has being financially/overall independent. Again, have been told those are extremely attractive qualities.
In truth, I feel like there is some deeper level stuff going on here. You may be going after guys out of your league, or perhaps rejecting great matches because you don’t feel fireworks (usually that’s anxiety).
I don’t mean any offense, but if you are having a hard time being with someone other than people who abuse you, I don’t think dating should be your priority. I would look into some therapy and support networks.
Sounds like maybe you have your own trauma that’s unresolved, and you use being “unattractive” as a way to protect yourself.
It’s actually fairly common. Many obese people suffered trauma when they were little, and being fat is a way to minimize the unwanted attention which can feel predatory because of their previous lived experiences. I’ve read studies about it but I can’t find them now, sorry.
Most of what you described doesn’t make you “undateable” instead you sound like an interesting person.
But your choice to keep people at arms length does. It sounds like you need a therapist, and likely group therapy too, to help you gain perspective and see that you’re not alone.
I guess my main question is where are you were initially finding the people you were dating? At least during the time that you were projecting the image of a “dateable woman”.
In my opinion, you’ve reached the stage where you know who you are, what you value, and where you invest your time. If you don’t find value in investing your time into perfect outfits, styled hair and make up… That’s not an issue! If you like spending that time otherwise on other things such as hiking and tap dancing, that’s awesome!
I don’t think that makes you Undateable. Perhaps try taking new top dancing classes or go to a workshop with other dancers, you can possibly meet someone that has the same interests there. And showing your authentic self would only help you find a better partner that’s more suited to who you are and what you want.
This is coming from someone that also doesn’t like wearing a bunch of make up, and only knows how to style themselves thanks to the expensive clothing boxes. 😅
also hoping to meet someone that doesn’t care if I look like a hobo and sits around playing video games.
I feel you on the independence thing. I’ve been single a while and have done a lot of work on myself. But I struggle with the thought of entering the dating world. I am an introvert and I love days where I don’t talk to anyone other than the dog. It’s how I recharge. I am fine hanging out and not talking. I hate daily texts that are like “I hope you are having a nice day.” I don’t want that. I know some of this is due to my own issues/a cop dependent parent situation, but I’ve been told that communication is key. Speak up when you need space. But I agree that you cannot force attraction with someone. Focus on going out and having fun. You can date, but don’t put the pressure on yourself. If you are happy with your life, I firmly believe others will see your positivity and be attracted to that on top of your great qualities.
For what it’s worth, your exactly the type of woman I’m looking for lol. Good luck your a catch!
My 2 cents:
1. What does being independent have to do with dating?
2. Why worry about make up if it causes you irritation?
3. Go get a stylist consultation to find the hair cut that is best for your face?
4. What does your therapist say about your self esteem issues?
Good Luck
Well you definitely sound like the type of person I would like to date….
So I think your biggest problem is that it sounds like you are Demisexual but might not be aware of what that means. I am also Demi and although it hasn’t made dating any easier, having a label to identify myself helps with understanding why I can’t move as fast in relationships as most people.
Demisexual: someone who only develops physical/romantic feelings after already having an emotional connection. AKA you don’t find strangers attractive.
All the people at work tell me “I just need to go to a bar and walk up to a cute girl and start talking to her”. My response is “if I don’t know her, I’m not going to find her attractive”. Then I get looks like I have six heads, and confused questions, or they just assume that I am gay.
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do you feel unattractive by other people’s standards, or your own? Something like going to a hairdresser that knows what they’re doing, and investing in hair products at a price point higher than Suave/Aussie can make very little difference to your annual budget but can do a lot for your self confidence *if* you feel it’s lagging.
I’m also not loving the “not like other girls” vibe here, hopefully you know now to bring that anxiety to dates. I wonder though if it’s holding you back a little in the sense that you seem to be creating a somewhat rigid definition of me vs. them and what hobbies align with that?
“that’s why I’m afraid to date, because I’m either going to be rejected for being myself”
You will definitely be rejected for being yourself, because that is the process of dating. I’ve been rejected for being myself a million times. You just move on to the next person. Rejection stings but it’s also not really that “personal” – it’s happening to *every* woman out there, not just the ones who reject traditional displays of femininity.
If you want to find a partner, you have to let go of the idea that there is a way to game the experience and not experience pain and confusion. Some people will reject you; some won’t. Sometimes you’ll do the rejecting. Your approach to sex and having a low libido isn’t going to align with everyone out there, just as theirs would be unpleasant to you – and that’s fine. You just work to find the people who *are* on board.
Hi – also late thirties and I’ve always been a tomboy, more so now since I’ve had a lot of time to learn what comfy clothes I like and be with myself during lockdown. I also cut my hair really short. It felt like ‘me’ and I was quite content with it.
Maybe you’re overthinking this and just in a bit of a rut with your style?
I’ll be honest and say that I do not care one tiny bit what I look like when I’m working from home and that’s become most of my day. I feel a bit like an animal emerging from a den when I go outside, so I’ve been trying to tweak my style and put a bit more effort into it when I do… but at the same time, not compromising my comfort or denying my true self.
It’s a bit weird integrating this new self with others, if that makes sense. There is a bit of a disconnect with me.
If you’re not ready to date, then please don’t feel obligated to. I would suggest maybe trying to meet new friends who share your interests to kind of get used to being ‘you’ around others. When you meet them in person, how you dress will be something intuitive, hopefully.
>I don’t want to flirt or have sex with strangers I’m not even attracted to yet.
>Its like even though we are a more accepting society, the truth is if you have social anxiety or you just need to take things slow or you have some issues that make you a little awkward, you are Undateable.
You sound like you’re not the typical person in the dating pool, which obviously lowers your prospects but is exactly what some of us are looking for, so don’t think of yourself as undateable. Your hobbies sounds fun to me, I’m awkward, anxious, and bad at flirting, but I love to cook, especially if it’s for someone who doesn’t and I know they’ll enjoy it. If I like someone I’ll take things at whatever pace we are both comfortable with.
Obviously you shouldn’t settle for someone who is abusive or who has more baggage than you’re comfortable with, but I’d encourage you to know your worth.
>I have never gotten anyone I like to be interested in me by just being myself. The only people that I attract are people that I unfortunately don’t have any immediate chemistry with. I try to give it time for feelings to develop, but I feel pursued by them and it makes me nervous.
> I’ve seen it on all these forums, the minute someone does anything slightly off, everyone says dump them and run away. Well I feel like I’m an Undateable person, and that’s why I’m afraid to date, because I’m either going to be rejected for being myself or exhausted by having to be someone I’m not.
There’s a lot of “traditional” advice on these forums and a lot of encouragement toward playing the numbers game, avoiding unhealthy attachment, avoiding painful rejection, etc. Someone like me would be excited to meet someone like you on a first date because you’re the kind of person I’m looking for. Independent, low maintenance, I’m assuming quirky and not just like everyone else I’d meet on a dating app or something. I’d probably also get over-excited and pursue you and scare you off lol. I’d say just be true to who you are and get comfortable expressing your boundaries and expectations up front. You’re not undateable, but you do sound like you have a hard time being comfortable with people. It sounds like there are people who you appeal to, and if you are more clear about what you want and what you are looking for, I feel like you’ll have more luck finding something where the feeling is mutual.
Sorry, but when I read your post, I don’t feel like dating should be your priority right now.
You seem very insecure and are so needlessly harsh on yourself (like many people who are commenting are pointing out, you equate pretty normal and interesting things about yourself to very negative outcomes). This combined with a long history of disfunctional and even abusive relationships, tells me that you don’t seem in the right mindset to be in a relationship and to be dating.
You are so focussed on not being dateable, you’re not asking yourself if you should be dating. What is the outcome you are looking for? To feel loved, happy and in a healthy relationship? Another person cannot provide all that, if you are clearly convinced that you don’t deserve this.
You sound like what a lot of men like, which is low maintenance. Most guys just want someone who is fun and down to earth and doesn’t cause drama. I don’t think you will have any issues if you take it slow and go for more introverted geeky kinds of guys.
>>…I can’t pretend to be this perfect dateable woman anymore.
Herein lies a problem. Just be you, the actual you.
You sound like my partner. She doesn’t wear makeup. She wears whatever she wants. She does whatever she wants. She has her own house. She has no problem telling me to cut my bullshit. And it goes both ways.
She can put on the dress and makeup, for a wedding or special event. But that’s about it.
Point is, there’s actually someone out there for you. They’ll be a lot like you. They’ll be very disagreeable. But together you’ll make it work. In your case this is a numbers game to find the right person, not any person.
As far as the sex thing, you’re just doing it wrong. Well, you’re getting done wrong. The right person can help fix that as can some work yourself. But if you do find the right type of disagreeable person, they can often have the attitude of “we’re staying here all night until you cum” in which case, you’re getting fucked properly until you cum, so the sex thing might work itself out sooner rather than later.
Just keep going on the dates. And when you come across a guy who, respectfully, doesn’t take bullshit, go one a 2nd date with that one.
You say you’re not like other girls, and then you describe like 80% of the women I know. Reading, tv, video games, and hiking are generic hobbies that most people engage in at some point. Tons of people don’t like to cook or go to the gym. We’re in our 30s and post-pandemic, lots of people cut back on uncomfortable clothes and makeup. If you’re not happy with your hair, ask a stylist to help you choose something new, but unless it’s dirty or unkempt other people probably don’t notice it as much as you do.
Sex drive and when to have sex in a relationship are personal and highly variable. Part of dating is finding someone who matches you.
I was very uncomfortable with my femininity growing up, very nerdy, very weird! As an adult– still kind of am. I work in a mostly male industry and years being successful in this sphere has actually made it slightly more challenging than before to hold onto my sense of being able to feel vulnerable and sexy. But I dress well when it matters, I can say I feel “sexy” (that took many years even after I embraced sex and skirts), I see my nerdy hobbies as a part of my identity as much as the parts of me that had to learn / practice extroversion and the art of meeting new people. So…
> In short I feel very unattractive. … I don’t want to get all dressed up and feel bad about how I look anyway.
There’s nothing inherently good about being traditionally feminine. There is also nothing inherently good about being less traditionally feminine. If you feel unattractive, you have to explore that discomfort for yourself. I’d totally encourage you to keep an open mind to this. In one aspect– I think it can be somewhat important to be able to put your best foot forward when you first meet someone. Dress– even just finding a hairstyle that works for you and phoning in everything else– is part of that. It’s also really important to be confident, because…
> I also seem to attract people who are ultimately abusive or have even worse baggage than me. And I know I shouldn’t judge people with baggage, but I can’t pretend to be in a sexual relationship with somebody who is cruel to me or that I’m not even remotely attracted to just because I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
… while it’s good that you recognize this, there’s a possibility how you’re talking about yourself, or how you’re subconsciously matching, is attracting low confidence people who either act on it with abuse or self-pity. It is very comfortable to date someone who has things “wrong” with them who will take up all the space in the room, because you never have to look inwards.
Going back to
> And even with someone I love, I don’t really like doing it that much. It’s always felt kind of painful and high pressure. I just like to cuddle.
Are you dating good guys? I think if you have dated people like the above– which you might only recognize in retrospect– I, too, would only want to cuddle. It’s also totally okay to be asexual, if that’s a term you haven’t explored yet– but if you consider yourself simply low libido, then I wonder if the sense of unattractiveness and the sense of “not being traditionally feminine” are snowballing into a sense of “I’m not sexy.” “Sexy” is a lot of things– but I think at it’s best, it’s a sense of confidence in what you want carnally, and how to feel good about your body and attitude in a carnal sense. It’s not 5 inch feels or a plunging top. It’s a little like being the kind of chemical that can bring sexual chemistry to bubble.
I think it could be really fun to say– my goal is to become comfortable in how I am in larger society. That can be internal work, it can be external work (finding hair that works for you, finding low effort outfits that look great on you but satisfy your need to be comfy, getting good at simply meeting new people and having fun with it), it can also be simply toying around to see if you can feel comfy about being sensual, about uncovering sensual desires (there’s a book Come As You Are that talks about discovering your specific kinds of libido and arousal, including if your libido is low).
> Because after all this time being ME I just don’t want to pretend to be somebody who is dateable. I don’t want to get all dressed up and feel bad about how I look anyway. I don’t want to flirt or have sex with strangers I’m not even attracted to yet. I don’t want to have to pretend I know what I’m doing or that I have a healthy relationship history because I’m afraid of throwing up red flags.
Speaking more practically too: I don’t think makeup will make a gigantic difference in dating. Grooming / dress does because it’s more visible. I do think men notice the outcomes of makeup, but probably not nearly as much as other women do. I don’t think you have to get “all dressed up,” is my point. The small things work. I kind of phone my first dates and usually turn things up for the second or third. And sex is definitely… well, it’s a social issue with the apps, but I think it also means meeting men through hobbies (which… can be easy with nerdy hobbies, if you’re fine with an introvert) will work for you. I do think flirting, after a little practice, will happen “naturally” when you’re interested in someone– I think it’s a little effortless. I usually remind myself that when people are interested in other people usually we’ll ignore a bunch of things– I don’t think not being a master flirtress, however you envision that, would lose you anything you wanted.
Also, literally everyone else is in the same boat– even people with long relationship histories didn’t necessarily have healthy relationships, and lack certain perspectives you might find in people who have been single for a long time. The past in all regards does not necessitate the future; if you’re worried about throwing up red flags, I think you can prevent it in the ways that matter, and people will withhold judgement in the other ways.
Also, on your hobbies
> I like playing video games, going to antique stores and old bookstores, reading, tap dancing, watching TV, hiking, and just being my silly self. I don’t like to cook, I don’t go to the gym. … On the plus side I have a lot of love to give. I’m supportive, creative, smart, and do a lot of adventurous activities that according to my friends make me interesting.
I know / have dated men who would find this like catnip who are good cooks, haha. (I’m still single, but it’s not for lack of being attractive to others!) So, tl;dr– keep your chin up, explore your boundaries, look inwards, and yeah maybe look into therapy or reading some self-help.
edit: also just noticed
> I have never gotten anyone I like to be interested in me by just being myself. The only people that I attract are people that I unfortunately don’t have any immediate chemistry with. I try to give it time for feelings to develop, but I feel pursued by them and it makes me nervous.
“Feeling pursued” is valid, could be non-attraction, could be your gut warning you it’s a bad abusive guy. But also, yeah, if you want a guy who takes care of himself physically, gets his hair cut into a good style once a month and styles it daily, trims his beard regularly, cooks healthy meals, and wears well-fitted clothes– he may not actually want an Instagram gym bunny who cooks amazing meal, but it wouldn’t be unreasonable for you to try to “flex” to that level of styling / grooming that he himself exhibits. It’s not a personality transplant. I was skinnyfat / chubby for many years– haven’t lost much weight exactly but I look great, feel better, and do feel sexier, so I totally recommend the gym for that if nothing else. It’s still not my “personality,” but I don’t feel my gym-going would be the make-it-or-break-it in love, which is helpful.
You’re the one limiting yourself. You’ve decided that being “feminine” is necessary to find a partner. You’re also the one that decided that the things you enjoy doing are inherently “not feminine” and therefore unattractive. You also decided that your lifestyle is not conducive to finding a partner, and also that the people you meet are always going to find find some fault with you or you in them. Nothing about anything you said in however many hundreds of words your post was makes you unique, but you’ve put up your own blinders that isolate you and make yourself feel like you are.
Now, that doesn’t mean that finding a partner is easy. It doesn’t mean that changing any of these things will magically bring you the thing you (and almost all of us) desire. It does mean that it will bring you closer to it, and it will open the doors so that when that opportunity does present itself, you will be better able to recognize it and welcome it in.
You’ve probably experienced a lot of trauma. So there’s probably more to work on than you realize, or maybe you do but even recognizing that fact can sometimes be overwhelming and feel like an added burden or extra hurdle. And initially it is. But nothing good ever came without hard work, and this is work you *can* do if you empower yourself to do it. I would recommend working on learning your boundaries and practicing setting them so that you can recognize people or situations that don’t serve you more easily, and you are more prepared to say no to them so that you can spend more time with people and situations that do. I also recommend learning how to *really* appreciate the person you are – all of the things you listed here – so that others are more easily able to recognize and share in the appreciation of those things about you too. You are worthy of all of the things you desire. You are worthy of love and cuddles. There just is a bit of work to get there, but it’s work that you are fully capable of doing. And it is the kind of work that will reward you both in the short term and the long term, because it’s mostly focusing on *you* – the things you enjoy, the wonderful things about you and things that will fulfill you – instead of others’ perception or expectations of you. Once you have that down, you’ll naturally be drawing more people to you that are more aligned with what you’re looking for, and will be closer to finding what you seek in a partner. You can do this. You got this. Try to enjoy and celebrate who you are instead of letting your inner voice take that away from you.
To sum this up in another way, don’t let the things you perceive yourself to be “lacking” or “missing” define you. Would you go to restaurants and define your order as all of the things from the menu that you don’t want and why? My advice is to try not to look at yourself (or others) the same way.
Girl, I wear anime t-shirts and have a big collection of manga and anime figurines in my apartment (I even have some dirty ones) and STILL I got a partner interested in my for being myself.
If a 30+ years old weeb can get a girlfriend, you sure can, and even if you don’t… isn’t better to be able to be your true self over acting as someone more “conventional” just to be with someone? At least, for me it is.
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I don’t understand this post. My wife and I are both on our 2nd marriages. She loves gym shorts, leggings and t shirts. We just hang out, and are really easy going. Even going out she’ll toss on leggings and I t shirt or simple top.
Dating, we just fell into this comfortable place. I could wear gym shorts, a t shirt and baseball hat. She would be equally as comfortable. It’s been the best relationship I’ve ever had.
Some guys love the low key, low maintenance woman. I’ve dated high maintenance in the past, and hated it.
I don’t think I’m so great, my wife thinks she hit the jackpot with me. My wife doesn’t feel she’s anything special, but I definitely hit the jackpot with her.
She doesn’t have to change anything for me, and I haven’t for her. We both want and love each other for our real self.
It might take time, but
Don’t overthink it. You’ll find tbe male version of you.
As a guy who excels at living alone in his goblin hole I can share your concerns. You are afraid of loosing the things that make you who you are. I don’t know how to fix the chemistry problem you seem to have, but I think in the long run you want to be with someone who you don’t have to give up all the things that make you who you are to be with. I walked into a home the other day that was pristine, and I realized I would feel oppressed in that environment. So I knew I could never date a girl who had to keep her home like that. Im not saying don’t strive for improvement. I guess im just rambling trying to say you should find someone who enjoys that things that makes you you. If you can’t then you might just be better off alone, and there isn’t anything wrong with that.
You sound like a catch!
So, I think I love you! Joke aside, you just made my day with the way you described yourself and your issues with certain aspects that strongly resonated on my drum. So this is the new world – meeting people and having sex with them right away?! As someone who needs an emotional connection first, that’s quite scary. in this order, being yourself as much as possible first, meeting them, getting attracted to something or all about them, developing feelings and getting flirty, getting sexual at some point is … outdated?!
It doesn’t really sound like you’re about to loose hope and give up, cannot win if you’re not playing and there are still people out there that take a road similar to yours. Relativity comes into play also – seeing yourself as ‘undateable’ in some degree certainly drags you below your real dateability level, affecting you AND them, us.
Sounds like we have something in common here. I have the same problem with meeting new people. I am afraid that at some point I will need to share details and personal things about my life, but it is really hard for me to even think about showing someone my *darkside* which is how I call my self that is not happy, dateable and has a traumatic past and wild early adulthood where I almost completely ruined my life.
I got out of a toxic and abusive relationship and at first I was blaming my ex for everything, but the more I started looking and analysing the more I realised that I was an enabler and I enabled hard. Mostly due to my traumas, that lead to many insecurities, that lead to people pleasing and fake relationshps, and later – a toxic relationship where I was a gambling addiction enabler.
From what you said – attracting abusers, having insecurities – there must also be something that you are afraid to confront. Most likely to yourself, too – that is why you quite likely mentioned different hobbies, looks and lifestyles as examples, but we all know and, as some people mentioned here, that is not the reason to be undateable. The insecurities, the not opening up, the not wanting sex – all might be your ways of protecting yourself and not showing your vulnerable self to anyone, even yourself.
After hitting rock bottom with my ex both of us started working seriously on ourselves. Now I know what I want from myself and relationships. Being myself and being honest, not to play games, clear communication. Having similar vaulues in life. And to not expect anyone to be responsible for my happiness and I am not being responsible for anyone elses happiness. In the previous relationship I did exactly this – I thouht I will do something to make HIM happy and therefore he MUST return the love and care and make ME happy. But we both turned ourselves unhappy like that.
My suggestion is to work on yourself first. As someone here already asked – are you happy and content with your life? What would you want to change? And do not think that a partner will fix or change anything, if you have that thought in your head. That is how insecure people who do not know what thei want avoid responsibility of their own lives. Make yourself the best person you can be for yourself and do not be afraid to step out your comfort zone.
My other suggestion – do not try to date. Try meeting new people through the things you said you love – books, games, hiking etc. Hiking is pretty good because there are often organised hikes in groups online where you can find like minded people. And there you can find a partner or at least some new friends.
Honestly, from what I have seen, there are many many people who feel alone, not understood, undateable and so on. They feel that they are alone and all the world is just dating and having relationships an amazing social life. But it is simply not true. I will take a chance and say that there is waaay more people like you than those that are actively dating, using dating apps etc. I also disagree with people suggesting that you should do something a bit to become dateable – gym, make-up etc. If you meet people doing what you love you will have things in common none of that will matter. And after you get to know them you can be open and honest about things, including your insecurities.
This approach has worked for me pretty well – since my brakeup with my ex I have met new people just doing what I love a lot. And with some of them I have become friends. And this weekend I finally got closer with someone who is also super insecure and it is a wonder that we even started talking and taking steps forward. It took time but it is worth it already.
I know that by just meeting a lot of people through dating apps etc., going to dates and chatting, knowing that there is maybe 5% chance that you might like this person, is just a draining waste of time for a lot of people, especially from those who know themselves and have many insecurities and a *darkside*. I tried and i regretted every single conversation I started there. So I decided I just need to live my life and let things happen. And it DOES!
A long post, I guess that is the only way I can express myself. Everything is not so simple. Good luck with everything!
My current girlfriend hikes, lifts, climbs, programs, plays video games, reads, etc. It really doesn’t affect how “feminine” I see her. If anything, I feel lucky to be dating someone who is such an amazing adventure buddy in addition to being my girlfriend.
>So how do I deal?
You go to therapy.
“the truth is if you have social anxiety or you just need to take things slow or you have some issues that make you a little awkward, you are Undateable.”
I disagree with this wholeheartedly. I think you’re having trouble and telling yourself narratives that don’t exist.
From your post history you seem like an extremely anxious person. I’d suggest it all boils down to this.
As a tomboy myself who has had many..em…relationships, this reads heavily as “not like the other girls” I’d suggest evaluating your internalized misogyny first.
I know it feels like you need to change yourself to attract someone else, but that won’t make you or someone else happy. Have you considered you might be on the ace spectrum? I think getting some perspective on the things that actually fill you up with energy/excitement/joy and what you really want in a relationship might help you frame your dating approach and have more success in finding the right person for you. I’m a woman who often wears athleisure or a simple top and jean shorts or whatever, and sometimes puts on a full face of makeup, and sometimes doesn’t. I don’t equate either with being more feminine per se, I’m a woman so anything I do is “feminine”, including hiking, watching TV, or curling up with a good book in an old t shirt and sweats.
There’s a lot of messages out there about who we are meant to be as women, so I understand why you feel this way, but I think it’s fallacious messaging and very outdated and exclusionary IMO. You have a lot of great qualities, and I hope you have the capacity to see that! Others certainly will.
I mean this post is all over the place but tbh if you don’t put effort into looking and feeling your best you’re going to draw the same.
I wrote a lot but realized it was just a lot of repetition. I’m going to be blunter and try to summarize what I see.
Your core issue seems to be tied up in self respect and a lack of self love. As cheesy as it sounds, it is true. That is why so many people say it. It takes trial and error and sometimes an “aha!” moment to truly internalize the meaning.
If you don’t feel pretty, work on it. You don’t have to give up comfort, but maybe find stylish pieces that elevate your comfort based approach. Find a hair stylist to give you ideas for your hair. These are not things that need to rob you of your sense of self, but will help you be happier. Do this all for yourself though, not others.
You need that confidence in yourself and some part of you seems to want to shake it up.
This self respect is also important for understanding dating better. Rejection is common but it’s not bad. You need to reject people too. They are picking up on your lack of self love and that is probably why abusive people flock to you.
Saying no to people for red flags is a good thing, not a bad thing. This doesn’t mean they say no for every small issue. You seem to think this means people leave at all turns. That is not true. They leave if someone disrespects them or seems incompatible early on. This is a form of self respect and self love. Some may take it a bit far, but ultimately that isn’t in our control.
You should be able to turn people away if they do bad things.
Anxiety and taking it slow are not big red flags. But you can accept that some people are past that point of development and want someone who is similar to them. There is nothing wrong with that. You can still find someone who respects and works through it with you. First you need to like yourself and have self respect.
I just wanted to leave you with a different perspective though I agree with many of what others have posted here.
As a fairly femme woman, I feel a sort of opposite pressure to not be “too much” too early on and to appear more relatable and chill. I’ve had so many boyfriends express that they liked that I have a “natural” look and that they would never date someone who wore too much makeup or was too “done up” or “fake.” As a result in my younger years I held back from being my super girly self around men.
That’s just sort of the thing with being a woman- you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t and we are all held to this really impossible standard – the emily ratajowksi esque natural beauty, but don’t be so pretty that you’re intimidating and you can’t do anything too much to attain that beauty (e.g. a ton of makeup, botox, fillers). At the same time dress up but also make sure its like a really well fitting pair of jeans and a femme but simple top because you don’t want to appear too high maintenance- you want to make sure they know you’re just as comfortable on the trail as at the opera/as a plus one at a wedding. Be atheltic and strong but not too strong because men don’t like abs on women, but make sure to have a huge juicy strong ass but also make sure not to make your thighs too big in the process. Be thin but not too thin, make sure your stomach is flat but you have bodacious curves. Be the chill cool girl that can hang with the boys and is always down for sex but not so sexy and cool that other men pay you attention because if they do it’s naturally your fault for attracting it.
Anyways as you can tell thats like 10 different amazing women in one and impossible to achieve. So stop comparing yourself to who you think men want and just do you- like your best version of exactly who you are.