I (38/F) recently ended a long term relationship. There were a few issues at play but a big one was that my ex (37/M) wasn’t comfortable expressing verbal affection. There was enough early in the dating stage for me to develop an interest, but once we settled into a relationship it pretty much stopped altogether. Despite me telling him many times how important this was to me, it never improved.
I understand the whole love languages thing and I always try to be appreciative for the quality time together and acts of service. I’m just a very affectionate person myself, even years into a relationship. It’s hard for me to not have that energy returned.
I’ve run into other women who have experienced similar issues. I’ve even received the advice that men are just different in the way they express affection and that I am being unrealistic for thinking I can eventually find someone who can maintain affection in a LTR. I hope this isn’t true. Normally I hate “all men”/ “all women” generalizations but I’m just sort of lost and confused right now so I could use some feedback.
So, are there men out there who do enjoy expressing affection for their long-term partners? Do you enjoy receiving verbal affection? If it doesn’t come naturally to you, is it something you would be willing to work on if you were happy in the relationship?
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well, my friend married a man who rarely expresses verbal affection and she’s perfectly content with it. they have a stable and loving home with healthy kids. they both are happy. i told myself i could never deal with it, but here i am nearing 40, single, childless, and grew up in a codependent household where “i love you” was neurotically said for an empty reassurance, even though the environment was very toxic. so i think depending on the deeper needs, you could just be masking toxicity, lack of self esteem and worth, and codependency just like I was. not saying that’s the case but more secure households don’t obsessively need to reassure one another after years. they just “know” and feel safe because the environment is safe and nurturing. there’s not so much energy expended just to feel ok
I for one will express my love back but it’s nice to get some physical kisses and holding hands too!
No, I don’t think it’s unrealistic. Although there is a stereotype of men not being as emotionally expressive compared to women, ultimately every person is different. Some men are very expressive and others are not.
Having run into the dealbreaker of not receiving enough verbal affection, now you just need to find someone who reciprocates what you give.
I come from a family that isn’t super physically affectionate, says I love you when we say good night or get off the phone, but otherwise there’s not many words of affirmation going around. My parents would do literally so much for their kids though and always gave the most thoughtful gifts. I always felt incredibly loved, but maybe not really understood because we didn’t have very deep conversations.
I’ve had two relationships.
The first guy was super physically affectionate, said I love you everyday since saying it to me first like 2 months in, and considered me a part of his future very quickly. I think he totally changed the way I felt loved because he wasn’t ever doing anything for me and he wasn’t too much of a gift giver. But he didn’t ever want to spend that much time with me, which I resented. Actually, he was sort of selfish, and looking back, it was sort of a hollow way of showing love, but I think that’s clouded by my feeling that he would sort of always gaslight me into thinking everything was my fault whenever I would try to work on the relationship.
My second relationship, I think I manifested the exact opposite of the first guy. He was rarely verbally affectionate (I had to seek out a lot of reassurance), definitely not physically affectionate but would let me hug, cuddle, kiss him as much as I wanted. He just wouldn’t initiate, but he tried to get better actually which I really appreciated. But he would always remember the important things and always wanted to spend all his free time with me. Honestly it was small stuff, but given his baseline EQ (low), it meant something to me. And I learned that there’s no default standard for expressing love, and it’s really personal. Also, some people can meet others on their level more easily than others – I think I tend to appreciate efforts to change more than my friends do – they want X% change over Y months and I think I have more, not patience, but tolerance. I take more delight in small improvements that others might classify as “he’s just giving you breadcrumbs”. I think his willingness to work on things and to try to keep me happy was one way I felt loved. He was “trainable”, is how my mom put it haha.
I decided, while I love cuddling and holding hands and hearing reassurance I am loved, I actually would rather have a partner that spends time with me, follows through on their word, will think about me and do little things for me. Ideally I have a partner that does it all lol, but I don’t think anyone gets that ideal, and anyway I think my ideal is so specific (I actually can feel easily smothered and I blow hot and cold about certain attributes) I don’t expect even my ideal will feel like my ideal if I found him lol.
Not unrealistic at all. All my long term partners bar one have been verbally and physically affectionate.
The one who wasn’t? Would storm off anytime I tried to have a serious conversation about my feelings, refused to ever compromise and then was out after a year because I kept trying to discuss our issues.
Can’t say for sure but I suspect the lack of affection was an outward indicator of his lack of true, genuine connection in the relationship.
Neither me nor my partner are outwardly affectionate people. But he does so many other little things that make me know that he cares, including just making me laugh. The more I know him, the more I see all these little things and they all fill my heart extremely full. And I really hope I’m doing enough to match in return.
Sounds like Words of Affirmation might be one of your love languages. What you need is someone who is able and willing to speak your language to you. No, it’s not unrealistic to want that. Some people will be able/willing to speak it for you even if it’s not natural. Others won’t and will protest. However, if it’s important to you, that’s what you need to find, someone who can and is willing to.
My primary LLs are Touch and Time. I would not work well with someone who can’t/isn’t willing to touch me (kisses, hugs, fist bumps, cuddles, random touching as we pass, etc.) or someone who I don’t have enough in common with that I want to spend quality time with them (cycling, hiking, kayaking, board games, going for walks, doing projects together, etc.). Nothing about what I want/need is unrealistic, but not everyone will be able to meet those needs. Those are the wrong people for me, just as someone who can’t express affection verbally is the wrong person for you.
While Touch and Time are my primary ones, speaking Words of Affirmation comes easy to me. It means very little to me in return, but I’m happy to speak it. Gifts, though? Hah. If they needed gifts I’d just pass. I am a terrible gift giver and have zero interest in learning to speak that one.
>I’ve run into other women who have experienced similar issues. I’ve even received the advice that men are just different in the way they express affection and that I am being unrealistic for thinking I can eventually find someone who can maintain affection in a LTR. **I hope this isn’t true.**
It’s not! Expressing verbal affection would be very important to me.
If it’s important to YOU, that’s all that matters. These guys DO exist out there. Find someone that speaks your love language, it does help a lot. Versus feeling unfulfilled constantly.
While I like the whole love languages thing, I do think it becomes a convenient way of opting out of normal relationship behavior.
You need all 5 at some point in time. I’ve had men who hate words of affirmation, but at some point had to say something confirming they liked me and wanted to be exclusive.
I’m a regular Ole het dude and I find I don’t feel loved without the words and all. Or at least it’s like a slightly leaky bottle yeah, I need a partner who wants to fill me up again once in a while lol.
Married 19 years, physical and verbal affection still going strong.
I’m 33M and I had no problem telling my ex that I loved her and that I thought she was beautiful. We were together 10 years and there were always things that just made me go “God I love you”
I’m sure there are plenty of other guys out there that have no problem expressing verbal affection either. So it’s not unrealistic to want to find that type of guy, but it will be hard to tell at a glance if they’re the type that will start off that way and then stop, like your ex did.
I don’t have a problem giving/receiving verbal affection, but I will say this –
I think it’s unrealistic to not acknowledge that we all come from different walks of life; these shape who we become, and influence the smallest of things, like how we end our phone calls. I have a good friend who casually, one could almost say -programmatically-, ends their phone calls with their significant other with “Okay, I love you, see you tonight”. It’s refreshing to witness. But then you still have bozo me over here, mind-blown each time it happens. His response to me inquiring about his effortless affectionate hang-up to his girl was “Oh, is that not normal? I was raised that way, my dad didn’t think he was too manly to tell me “I love you””
It takes vulnerability and courage to give verbal compliments and to express your feelings about someone. If they’re not willing to put in the work to go out of their comfort zones and be open, then that’s a turn off.
No I don’t think so, you’ve just got to tell him that’s what you want. I think after a while you’ll start resenting him as you’ll feel unloved.
Love languages exist; there are men who would happily tell you every day how they love you; and there are men who would walk barefoot to the North Pole to avoid it while still being madly in love. Verbal affection is not something easy to learn if your natural love language is physical touch or act of service. I mean, one can try of course. But for them it would feel unnatural and forced. Maybe practice makes perfect, I don’t know.
Not unrealistic. I have a cousin who is great at it with his girlfriend, says cute things all the time even in front of me LOL. Just keep on looking if that’s what you need from a partner. Someone out there will do this already or make the effort to because they want you to be happy.
>So, are there men out there who do enjoy expressing affection for their long-term partners? Do you enjoy receiving verbal affection?
Always. It’s fun to banter back and forth and flirt during the day, whether 1 month in or 3-4 years in. The cold sterile affection lacking 20-30 year marriages that unfortunately exist, and are sometimes portrayed in the media, aren’t necessarily the “norm” for everyone.
> If it doesn’t come naturally to you, is it something you would be willing to work on if you were happy in the relationship?
So that’s a tough one; verbal affection for me is part and parcel of flirting, so I can’t imagine getting into a LTR without it early on. If someone “fakes” it for the first few months then drops it and is unwilling to use it after being told to, that’s more of a personality flaw since they were cosplaying an affection partner just to lock in a convenient relationship.
My parents have been married for 34 years this month. Routinely, when my mom walks in the room or even calls my dad’s cell phone if she’s out – he says “hello beautiful,” or “oh hello my gorgeous wife.”
Yes. It is very much possible. Not all men are willing to do it, but some are.
No it’s not unrealistic. In my last relationship my ex rarely gave me verbal and physical affection. In the end that’s why I broke up with him. But previous relationships, it was never an issue. I’ve been with men who are very verbally and physically expressive and it’s not too much to want that in a relationship. For me, I’ve realized it’s a dealbreaker to not get it.
This post is exactly why I don’t believe in this love language stuff, or at least how they are often used. I understand that people might not be as generous with verbal affection, but no verbal affection at all, or a little, who would live with that? Everybody needs some straight forward discussions, and not just a guessing game “they never told me they love me, but they bought me a candle so”.
I broke up with someone over lacking verbal affection. I was tired of those guessing games. I absolutely did not enjoy the dynamics of the relationship, it felt like I was dating a stranger.
He told me that’s how he is but I did not buy that. Unless you did WWII and grew up with the Wolfes, you should know that people want to hear stuff. That’s basic competency.
I do it only when it feels natural. I more or less just mirror their level of affection. Unless it was communicated directly that they would require more, than i wouldn’t actually think about changing anything.
idk about men, but even years into a relationship i would express love verbally throughout the day, every day. length of the relationship doesn’t matter at all.
Everyone is different in how they express and receive love.
If words are important to you, find someone with the same love language.
Also many people in LTR’s get lazy with effort and take their partners for granted, which is unfortunate for many obvious reasons. Then, when the whole thing ends, they realize starting new relationships are often 100x more effort than had they put a little effort into the old one. I have seen this happen with so many people, couples, divorces, myself included btw, it’s sad in retrospect.
>Is it unrealistic to expect verbal affection in long term relationships?
No, it isn’t.
I’ve been in a handful of relationships where verbal affection was shown at the beginning of relationships and dwindled as the days/months/years went by.
However my current partner of 2 1/2 years has been consistent since day 1 with his verbal affection
Growing up, my family didn’t show a lot of affection and love. I am also not a very affectionate person, but my partner makes me want to be affectionate
I give it out and always appreciate receiving it. The older I get, the more important it has become to me to communicate my attraction and affection for my partner. I’ve been in several long term relationships.
lol. Not unreasonable at all.
I broke up with my ex GF because of that. It’s not about gender. There are many factors.
I know you said you understand the love languages. Have you read the book?
Everyone is different, and everyone has a different primary and secondary love language, so I think that yes, you can find men that enjoy expressing affection (this would likely mean that their primary or secondary love language is expressing affection), and that you cannot generalize that men/women are “just different.”
What I got from the 5 love languages is a few things…
1. It is important that in a relationship is that both partners know what their primary and secondary love languages are and that you tell one another how you feel loved.
2. We have to learn how to love our partners in THEIR love languages, not our own, and this is the key to how we keep the love alive in a relationship, especially once the honeymoon phase is over and the initial feelings of love and excitement in a newer relationship are gone. The book says that we are often prone to loving our partner based on our personal love languages, because we think “if this is how I feel loved, this is how I show them they are loved.” But because everyone’s love languages can vary, what they need to feel loved can be very different than your own, where you loving them the way you feel loved may do nothing for them.
The second point is where the challenge arises I think. Sure, you could find someone with the same love language as you where expressing affection comes easy to them. Or you could find someone who is emotionally secure and high emotional intelligence that understands love languages where despite having different love languages than yourself, they are able to work on loving you the way you need to feel loved even if it’s not their love language. I think more people have a tendency to be too uncomfortable with working outside of their comfort zone and find loving someone in a way that’s not their primary/secondary love language too difficult and makes them somehow incompatible. But as I grow, I personally think it’s too much to expect that a partner be “compatible”/so similar to our own qualities/personality/love languages, rather than the willingness to accept someone for their differences and the willingness to work through those differences in a relationship.
Agreed! Sounds like you and he just weren’t a fit.
The Five Love Languages also helped me. (For those who haven’t yet read it- it outlines several different ways people express themselves in relationships.)
If your love language “words of appreciation” – or something like that – he just didn’t “get it.”
It’s been a while since I read this book but it definitely shed light on 2 past relationships where both of my partner’s behaviors seemed odd…
– one would give me gifts ALL THE TIME- (which didn’t bother me but gift giving isn’t my love language- or anyone’s in my family – so I didn’t understand why he did this and didn’t appreciate it the way he meant it).
– The other boyfriend HATED to be touched / or cuddled (if it was at all unrelated to sex). This was a HUGE MISMATCH for me, because one of my main love languages is touch/ cuddling / physical affection. I felt very uncared for by him, even though he allegedly loved me.
My parents say ‘I love you’ and similar things to each other every day for the last 45 years. You’re not being unrealistic
Not an unrealistic expectation at all – your needs are 100% valid
I don’t believe men are inherently different from women in this way. I feel that it has to do more with how men and women are raised – there is a certain type of paternal masculinity that is taught early that shapes a person’s behaviour and can teach a person to fear verbal intimacy.
A woman raised by a certain type of paternity can experience discomfort with verbal affection, and a man raised by a certain type of maternity that is verbally expressive and emotionally aware can thrive with it.