I got a (figurative) punch in the gut today, from my wife.

25 comments

1. I’m sorry this was hard for you but I so admire your willingness to hear your wife and work towards improving.

   We have this issue with my husband. He’s insufferable if he hasn’t had a few beers or a little weed. It makes me feel like he doesn’t want to be with us and the kids just prefer to be with me. That’s just sad. I think he’s starting to come around. I hope you can, too.

   Good luck!

2. At 1st I thought hey, it’s not that rare for one person to be trying to remain positive in a situation they don’t like, while the other person feel they’re nothing but frustrated and miserable. But reading through the end it’s possible that you are in fact not trying or even recognizing that you’re bringing her, perhaps everyone down. Idk, it’s a lot to speculate on without a lot of information but perhaps you need to reevaluate your perspective and see if maybe you should just bow out of things you’re just not going to enjoy. Go ahead and look at your day to day attitude as well. No judgment btw. I was a miserable dick for a long time. I had to figure out why and make changes to stop.

3. Well is she right? Are you constantly in a bad mood around the family? Do you snap at her and the kids? Do you complain a lot? And if you do, why? Are you suffering from any unaddressed mental health issues? Are you unhappy about anything in your life? Stressed about anything?

   I understand not wanting to be around loud and busy places. I personally have issues with the same thing and what you have to do is know your limits. If I’m at a party with my husband and I find myself getting overwhelmed, I take some time to myself whether it be taking a walk outside or going out to the car. And if I feel I just can’t handle being around a ton of people anymore I tell my husband I am headed home and he understands. We are adults after all and only we can manage our own emotions. My husband has issues with getting irritated when he is hungry so he has to be extra careful about managing his hunger levels. He can’t just say screw it and snap at me all the time.

   And the other question I want to ask you is that are you spending quality time as a family? Are you an active participant? Or do you see it as a chore? Kids can sense when their parents aren’t having fun. My dad had a lot of anger/irritability issues growing up and it made me not want to spend any time with him.

4. Good for your you for hearing her and taking the time to consider what she is telling you.
   I am going through the same thing with my husband. After today, I am just done spending time with him. He is constantly complaining about every.little.thing. And he gets angry, cusses and even says things out loud in front of people.
   I am a sensitive person. I dont like anger or vulgarity. We have a 6 month old and we waited years to be able to have a child. Why does he act like his life is so miserable? If you can shed some insight on this, please do. Im googling divorce because life is too short to be with someone who sucks the joy out of everything.

5. Well, were you moody during the day?

6. I’m not one for large crowds of people at fairs, concerts or other events either. My wife has made similar comments. I’ve found having a dose of edibles takes the edge off just enough to where I’m not annoyed at things nearly as much as I used to be. I enjoy it more and they enjoy me more. She’s happy to drive there. Usually by the end of the event the slight buzz feeling has worn off, but I don’t need to take more to keep having a good time. If you’re not in a place where it’s legal, perhaps there’s a pharmaceutical alternative that would yield a similar outcome.

7. I’ve had that exact same feeling and talk before, I suffer with depression, anxiety and ADHD. It’s hard to be the social butterfly or even relate with people in a social gathering and most of the times I thought it was going great just to find out I was being too quiet or I guess in some cases just like the really socially awkward guy in the room. It’s difficult, all of it. I really put effort into being social sometimes and it seems to be not enough. When I did seem like I was “fitting in” it seemed really forced to me and it was frustrating that it took that much energy just to be around people my SO wanted to be around. My best advice is go talk with a doctor and even go try to see if there is any other medical professional wether it is a counselor or psychiatrist to make sure you don’t have any underlying things going on. I’ve felt, and still feel like I am alone most days because I don’t understand myself or why I feel the way I do but don’t fall into the same perpetual motion machine I did and make sure you are good. I dont want you to think its a rant about you being the problem I just would rather feel like my exact scenario could possibly help someone else before they feel like I do. The very best of luck to you OP. Seriously I know that feeling and hope it works out good for you.

8. My first husband was perpetually unhappy whenever we did anything as a family, anything that was wholesome, anything that didn’t involve his people, especially anything that did not involve alcohol. He would say yes to going then pout or be sour the whole time. He was perfectly fine making us both miserable every time instead of staying home or just making the effort to try and enjoy himself. I hated it. We started counseling and this was one of the major things we worked on. Eventually, it was one of the reasons (the other was drinking and being unfaithful while drinking) I left. If he couldn’t have a good time with me, then why were we together? I ended up traveling alone because he was awful to travel with. And I love to travel. Believe me, take this seriously, and work on it, or you are going to lose her. No one wants to look ahead at their life and see year after year of dealing with a pouty, no-joy partner.

9. It sucks to hear it, but it’s good your wife was so straightforward with you. It beats dropping hints or hoping you read her mind.

   Now is not the time to think about how imperfect she is and all the things you wish she would do better/different. She’s not perfect, and she has room to grow. That doesn’t have anything to do with you or your areas for improvement.

   You’re right to reflect back and see things from her perspective. We’ve all been in situations where we weren’t happy to be somewhere or doing something and we pouted our way through it. Now that you have a wife and kids, it’s time to drop that attitude. This requires adopting a selfless and empathetic outlook.

   You don’t like doing X or feel like going to Y? That’s understandable, but guess who does want to do those things and go those places – your wife and kids. This is an area to put them first and embrace the fuck out of doing those things and going those places. You’re doing it for them because you value their happiness. You might not like what you’re doing or where you’re going, but you will love how happy they are to be with you and seeing you enjoying being with them. This won’t be a huge sacrifice on your part because you will be rewarded with laughter, joy, and great memories if you simply get over your own discomfort and throw yourself into having a positive attitude around your family.

   The other option is to keep doing what you’re doing and continuing to be left out because no one wants your sad sack mood bringing them down. Then eventually resentment sets in and it can only get worse from there.

   It hurt, but your wife being blunt with you was a gift. You don’t have to guess what’s wrong. She told you exactly. It’s something you can fix. You’ve got this.

10. My ex husband was like this as well. He never wanted to go anywhere or do anything, and when he did he would complain and pout the entire time. It completely ruined the event for me, every time. He would always promise to work on it, but he never did. Hence why he is an EX. It really weighs a person down to be around someone like this. I hope you do reflect and do some work on yourself. You’re off to a great start already by listening to her! Good job.

11. If you care about people you try. It doesn’t matter what the occasion is. (Besides the ridiculous scenarios of course)

12. Ok so…I am more extroverted than my husband, and I like going to markets, fairs, socialising with people I don’t know. My husband does not like those places and forced conversations with unfamiliar people induce anxiety for him.

    It’s been a journey of learning to respect and appreciate our differences, about finding the balance so both of us are meeting our different preferences at least some of the time. So if we have a busy lots of people weekend one week, we’ll have a quiet homebody weekend the next. He doesn’t stop me from going out and having fun if there’s somewhere I really want to go, and he’ll make the effort to try enjoy the experience if he comes along on a pretty regular basis. Similarly, I don’t force loads of social events on him or pout if he doesn’t want to join me.

    Sit down with your wife, and talk about your feelings. Chances are that yes, she’d love you to come if you’ll do your best to have a good time, but is totally understanding if it’s not your thing and you’d rather potter about at home for the day or do something quieter.

13. I would strongly suggest looking into possible mental health reasons as to why you have this reaction and why it has creeped into your life to such an extent that it is negatively affecting your family. Some of what you have described sounds pretty classic to anxiety and possibly depression. When I was in the thick of it with PTSD, I was pretty miserable to be around because I was always on edge and miserable myself because everything in my life felt like it was a threat *to* my life. The anxiety made it so I couldn’t enjoy anything because I was constantly focused on the “threat”, it was a perpetual fight or flight state of being and eventually the “fight” mode turned on when I felt like I couldn’t flee the situation.

14. Bro… it’s all a process. You’re fortunate to have her sit down with you and discuss these things.

    I moved to my wife’s country of Japan and we gave birth to our second child. I started a Japanese class that is *way* too accelerated for someone that has the responsibilities of a father of two and a family man in his early forties. 😅 I’d come home grouchy because I’d failed a test or just couldn’t grasp a lesson. Her response that it wasn’t a big deal — that it’s *all a process*. So yeah… I’m not grasping it like my younger childless peers in my class but that’s alright. I’m still learning. And I’ve only been in the class for a month and I’ve already made strides anyway so I’ve tried to take it easier on myself. So… *take it easy on yourself*. Find the source of why you’re behavior is the way it is.

    We’ll never stop learning, dude. Sometimes it takes those close to us to let us know something about ourselves — and we’re fortunate for it.

15. That sucks but I have been in your wifes position. My first husband was antisocial in a way and didn’t like noisy things or just going with the flow. He would always clock watch or appear annoyed or have everything very regimented to leave exactly on time and nothing could be extended, and it made me frel bad that he wasn’t enjoying himself but also frustrating as he wanted to be there as a ‘family’ and do things together, only he didn’t actually want to be there. I would spend a lot of time with my family and my kids without him, and even family days to the beach or themeparks were cut short as he didn’t think we needed to take any longer. And he was flippant, either wouldn’t go so I couldn’t as I couldn’t manage the kids, or would come when it wasn’t necessary (as it was an easy trip) and then spoil it for us.

    Please reflect on this, it will only help your relationship and marriage.

16. Is it possible you have social anxiety?

17. Yeah brother. Have you ever had your moods looked at too?

    I’m not an expert but there could be more to them, like psychologically or even a low testosterone thing.

    I’m just speaking as someone who is also quite moody. It gets bad with me but I am trying to work through it.

18. I’ve spent the past 50 years feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around my husband, and let me tell you, it’s not a good way to live. I love him, he’s a great guy and has been better since the kids grew up and moved out, but there have been times I truly wanted to leave. Get your hormone levels checked, talk to your doctor to see if a change in diet might help, and be mindful of how you talk to your wife and kids. Sometimes we say things to people we love that we would never say to a stranger. Ask yourself if you would want her to talk to you the way you talk to her, or how you’d feel if she was the one walking around with a bad mood or attitude all the time. I’m glad you’re at least thinking about it.

19. I was where you are. Have you had your hormones change checked? Have your doctor do a blood panel. Check your Testosterone. Low T is a huge driver on moods. Men don’t talk about hormones as much as women. After 40, our T levels drop. It affects mood, sex drive, etc.

20. Hi, I’m your wife.
    In our situation, I stay at home and my husband works (3 kids: 5f, 7f, 13m). 99% of the time I’m the one with the kids. If he’s able to and does do something with us he’s always miserable because the kids aren’t behaving perfectly (they’re kids), or the weather stinks, we spent too much money, etc. and he gets pissy and angry and lashed out. We don’t invite him anymore. He says he doesn’t feel like part of the family. I explain why. He tries to change. The cycle repeats.

21. No two humans sync on every everything. I’ve been married for 38 years and something I learned early on is that we don’t always share the same interests. My wife loves to shop. I absolutely hate it. I’m an in and out, get what I need and leave kind of shopper. She immerses herself in the experience. Early on in our marriage we usually ended up in a fight when we shopped together. I would get frustrated that she wouldn’t simply buy something when she found what she liked. She would drag me in and out of several other stores, walk me silly around the racks of clothing, then return and buy the item I implored her to buy an hour before. I was miserable and I made her miserable.

    But somewhere along the line we figured out that I didn’t really need to share every single one of my wife’s experience. I would simply start taking the kids to the food court or play area and allow her to enjoy her shopping on her own. When the kids got older and weren’t involved, I’d simply go to one of the restaurants in the mall or outlet and have a beverage or two and watched some sports on tv. She’d text me pictures of stuff she liked or bought and I’d comment on them and we simply met later for dinner and we were both happy as can be.

    I don’t think that there’s a need to believe that you have to enjoy the exact same things in a relationship. Now…I’d certainly participate in some things if she wanted/needed me there (to help with the kids or simply because the event was important to her and she wanted to share it with me), but our marriage got better when we realized that it was ok to have different interests. We are so happily married after 38 years so it works for us.

22. This is a lesson my husband and I have learned through experience. LPT: try and participate/engage in some of the activities they enjoy. Even if you hate it. Even if you have to pretend a bit.

    Example: my husband is an Ordnance expert in the military. I don’t know squat about anything related to ammunition, explosives, or other Ordnance stuff. But, I’ve made an effort to learn. He’s a huge history buff and super into antiques, incl. anything historic to do with Ordnance. So, I’ve done things like hunt down old/historic Ordnance technical manuals for his birthday (i.e. training materials that soldiers in his same role 50-75+ years ago used), recently we took a trip down memory lane and visited the installation where he became the Ordnance expert he is today, I had a custom shadow box made for his 30th birthday that was in the shape of an Ordnance shell, etc. Sports? I don’t know squat, and don’t really care for sports, but I’ll sit and watch with him, and ask the occasional question about how the game works.

    It’s a lesson my husband has learned, too. There were many times he’d sit and pout and be grouchy when participating in things that I enjoyed or had to do. I definitely found myself resentful that he was so grouchy about it, when I’d made such an effort to try and participate in his things. But, over time, he’s gotten better about it. He isn’t as grouchy when doing things with me, and is more positive about doing things I enjoy.

    Also? Acknowledgment of your shortcomings. Example: my husband has a terribly short temper. Tends to get annoyed and angry very, very easily. But, compared to 3-5 years ago? World of difference. And he has done active reflection on his anger/short temper. He knows it isn’t good, especially in the long-term. He’s gotten better about being more patient. As for me? I’ve made more of an active effort to try and be more positive about the stuff in his life. Example: during his years on active duty, I was the most pessimistic person. Like, scary levels of pessimistic and dark and pissed off. Nowadays? I try and be more positive about his continued service in the military. I try and ask questions about the various activities and skills he trains other soldiers about, I try to show active interest in his line of work, I try to be more excited for him, etc.

    Two-way street. Sometimes, it also isn’t necessarily about *what* you’re doing together; it’s about just spending quality time together, even if you aren’t participating or engaging in *your* favorite activity.

23. I’ve heard a great saying. “Choose guilt over resentment.”

    Choose to feel guilty that you didn’t go rather than being resentful that you did.

24. I was you. My wife told me she never knew how I would react so she wouldn’t ask me to do stuff with her. Wouldn’t tell me things because it may set me off into a funk. Talked with my doctor. Ends up being anxiety and depression. Went on meds, did some therapy, still on meds and things are way better now. My moodiness has leveled out tremendously. Talk to your doctor. This is fixable.

25. Please, please I have been this wife if you don’t like the activity DONT GO. Just don’t go. It’s ok to get overstimulated so you sit it out. It is beyond frustrating to not enjoy a fun day because you have to manage someone’s mood.

    Also, you can be in a bad mood and internalize it and put on a smile and pretend to have fun. You get get annoyed at things, and keep that to yourself. It can be loud, and hot, and the lines are long, and the people at the fair are trashy, and you can just keep aalll of that to yourself. You can just shut the fuck up about it.

    And if you do stfu about it, but your body language is shitty and pouty, we see that to, stop it.

    I know I’m letting out my bs on your post but just a perspective from someone that did divorce because of this, my life is 1000x better and I get to enjoy things now. Every aspect of my life is improved now that I have a partner who shares my joy instead of bringing everyone down and being miserable at every outing.

    If I could say what I wanted to then. Suck it up, shut the fuck up for a few hours so the family can have some fun. It’s not that hard, this is an easy behavior to correct. And it’s fine TO JUST NOT GO. I have plenty of places I don’t go that I don’t like. Just stay home.

    Sorry that was mildly therapeutic for me (I’m also in real therapy lol)