So me (21F) and this guy (22M) knew each other in high school. We even shared some classes together but we never spoke back then. Shortly after graduating, he moved with his family two hours away. A little after that, we began talking through social media instagram to be exact. (This was in late 2018). I guess we were interested in each other, but we mostly had a friendship. We wanted to see each other, but it was difficult for him to find a good time to drive over here bc of work and stuff. So he suggested that I take a train to his city. I was kind of hesitant to do this and couldn’t find a good time as well. Either way, we continued texting here and there, keeping in touch, a lot of flirting, etc. This lasted for three years before I finally decided to take a train to visit him a few months ago.
When I arrived, he picked me up and everything seemed to be going well, he was talkative with me and seemed happy to see me. We talked for a little while and then he finally kissed me. We decided to take things a little further so we mutually decided to go to a motel. The motel experience wasn’t good. It was a shitty motel that stank of weed/gave off creepy vibes. Trying to ignore that, we started making out however we realized it was too uncomfortable & he said he wanted to leave. I agreed and so I thought he would take me somewhere to eat or to just hang out, but nope he drove right back to the station. I explained that I took a 2 hour ride to see him but he didn’t care & told me that the shitty motel changed his mood and plus what we were doing didn’t feel right to him. I told him we could just hang out as friends, he said he didn’t wanna lead me on and he has to go home. We had a big argument about him being like this after we had planned this for 3 years. Ultimately I just got out of his car and left, I unfriended him on pretty much everything & he even blocked me on one of the social media apps after seeing I deleted him.
That was 5 months ago. About a week ago, he sent me a friend request which means that he unblocked me. I was unsure about whether to accept the request bc I was still hurt and mad from his behavior. I accepted his request because I was curious about anything that he had to say to me. He texted me 2 days ago apologizing for that day that I went to see him and telling me he didn’t really mean it and that he acted that way because something personal came up. We talked about it for a bit, he even implied that he would like to see each other again, and the convo went on for a little while.
Then today morning I saw he unfriended me. I asked him why, and he responded telling me that he mostly just wanted to apologize to me for being messed up that day and that’s it. He told me he will be straight up honest with me about why everything happened the way it did. He told me that it had something to do with my hygiene that day in the motel room but he didn’t want to come off as an asshole. (to be fair, I was actually on the last days of my period when I went to visit him, I guess what he smelled was because of it, considering I’ve had other sexual partners since then and none of them have ever mentioned a hygiene issue) but anyways he also told me that I wasn’t what he expected and he instantly didn’t feel anything for me. He said he just wasn’t attracted to me at all, he didn’t feel the attraction, and he didn’t want to force anything. This really hurt me because I was actually interested in him.
However, it left me confused because I’ve actually dated and have had some relationships with some guys which I’ve met through social media, but none of them have ever told me I’m not what they expected or that I look different from my photos or anything. We broke up for other reasons, therefore I’m not a catfish or anything. I don’t use old
photos either. Plus this guy used to see me often during the classes we shared together during high school. I just don’t understand. I don’t think I’ve gained so much weight since then, I look almost the same (maybe a few pounds over) but that’s it. I’m not obese or look fat or anything though. But maybe it had to do with my weight either way? I can’t help but wonder what about me it was that he didn’t like and wasn’t what he expected. Maybe it was the mild acne I recently got on my face a few months ago? It’s not that bad, but noticeable. I’m here thinking of every imperfection that might have put him off. I honestly tried to look my best for him, I wore a nice outfit and straightened my hair nicely, but it just wasn’t enough. I’m really hurt by what he told me about not being attracted to my appearance.
Especially since me and him had a friendship for 3 years and now he didn’t even want to continue just being friends. This has really affected my self-esteem and I just don’t know how to deal with it. I’m even afraid to meet new guys now because what if this happens again? Any advice/thoughts?
Tl;dr: guy gave me closure after months of a huge argument
7 comments
Your last encounter with him was 5 months ago? I get you are young, but why are you so hung up on him? He sounds like he isn’t into you. You can’t force attraction.
Oh man. Learn from this, I guess? No, definitely definitely learn from this.
So, next time you go meet someone two hours away, have a backup plan. I take that back, just always have a backup plan. Tell your friends where you’re going, give your friends access to your location, check in often, and if you do this two hours away from home, make sure to have somewhere to stay if things go wrong.
Another thing: he’s an asshole. Yeah, whatever he’s saying about your hygiene, sure, check up on it, take in other opinions, talk to your doctor. But who the heck makes someone take a two hour train ride back home after not feeling it? Y’all got a motel, why not just grab some food, watch tv and hang out platonically?
I think you should do your best to get past him and this experience. But do remember it and try not to get into situations like this again. Man, I wanna punch him in the gut for you.
I’m sorry this happened, please take care of yourself and remember that you are worthwhile.
Sorry that happened to you. Hes definitely not worth the energy and sadness given that he’s a shitty communicator with zero regard for your feelings.
Life lesson: don’t have first date shitty motel sex with a guy you’re genuinely interested in
This guy sounds like a douche. You travelled 2 hours to meet him and he basically chucked you back on a train because he decided he didn’t want to sleep with you.
I get that this hurts, but he’s not worth the heartache. His opinion of you doesn’t matter. If that’s how he treated you on date one, can you imagine how he’d be if you actually dated? I think you had a lucky escape here.
Sometimes the spark just isn’t there in person. Nothing you did wrong, nothing about the way you looked, etc. Sometimes you just don’t feel it when you finally meet in person, and it sounds like he didn’t.
He’s an asshole for handling it how he did. Like a HUGE asshole. Only mistake YOU made here was dating an asshole. And how could you have known?
You need to shake this one off. it was a HIM problem, not a YOU problem.
He’s not exactly been ‘straight up honest’ if all he said was ‘it was something to do with your hygiene’.
It’s him, not you. He makes you travel 2 hours to see him, initiates a hookup, then gets cold feet and makes you leave immediately. Not acceptable. Clearly wasn’t interested in being friends. And would you want to hook up with someone who’d treat a girl like that?
It sounds like he had a 3 year long fantasy about how great and awesome meeting up was going to be, and then he got put off by the reality of you having coffee breath or something. I really, really think this has nothing to do with you.