I have entered a FWB relationship with my ex partner. We were together almost 3 years and it ended in April this year. In July last month, we agreed we would like to start having sex again and therefore entered a friends with benefits situation which we also agreed would be exclusive. The terms being if we did want to get intimate with another person, we would discuss it first before anything happens.
We have discussed that he isn’t ready for a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship, don’t know if he will ever want one with me again, or if things go smoothly he will want one again. I on the other hand am hoping that this does go somewhere. In-between breaking up and going into a FWB relationship I got sober and am going into therapy next month for my mental health. I am happy to wait until he decides on what he wants to do next, even if it means ending things completely. He knows my stance on this and I know his.
Anyway, I was in a nightclub last night (I still attend to socialise and dance, just don’t drink) and he told me that morning that he was going too with one of his work colleagues and friend. My brain instantly kicked into jealous mode because he always talks about the friend he works with, they see each other more than we do, and from past interactions I’ve had with them both it is at least clear that she has feeling for him (and I’m pretty sure he does too, although I’m not 100% certain). Her body language (to me and others who have witnessed it) is saying she does have feelings (always putting her arms around his neck, rubbing her arse on him on the dance floor, and last night dragging him away whenever I was nearby). Last night however, on the dance floor, she was pulling quite a few men while she was either holding my ex’s/ exclusive FWB hand or while grinding on him. When she wasn’t pulling other people they were dancing together quite intimately, and at one point me and my friend thought we saw them kiss (but aren’t 100%). As they were leaving he said that nothing happened so I trusted that and went about the rest of my night.
This morning we had a phone call to discuss the night, and he is now saying he had blackouts and doesn’t remember most of the night but is pretty sure something did happen between the two of them. I said it was likely because I think I saw it and even if I didn’t she was kissing people and I don’t see why he would have been an exception, especially because of the intimate way they were dancing. Her boyfriend is also suspicious that something is happening between the two of them (he does not know that she was kissing other people and she isn’t in an open relationship).
I am having another video call with him tonight (hopefully) or tomorrow morning and I will be explaining how this made me feel and why I was upset. I will give him a chance also to explain the situation between the two of them and what it means for us. I just feel like I’m being used for sex when it suits him, until he finds someone else that he wants to begin a relationship with, but maybe that isn’t the case? I don’t really think that it is in his nature to be like that. Or maybe I’m over reacting/ other thinking things? It has really triggered my BPD.
So basically, I’m looking for any advice on what to do, how to move things forward and how to communicate nicely how I’m feeling. I preferably would like to keep the FWB relationship going.
Sorry for the rant, I know it is a lot to read!
3 comments
Read the text by yourself from a neutral point of view and think about what a conclusion could be.
One out of you two might be in a FWB Situation, the other one clearly is in a love situation.
There is no matching standards right now and this will be a problem for both of you.
I don’t think the in between land is gonna work for you. You clearly are hoping he’ll come back to you in an exclusive relationship whereas he see this relationship as a true FWB situation. I say you either both need to go back to boyfriend/girlfriend or end it entirely bc you will always be jealous and technically FWB means he can date other women.
>Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. – Maya Angelou
I’m afraid that you’re going to have to face up to the reality that you can’t be friends with benefits with your ex when you’re hoping that you’ll get back together as boyfriend and girlfriend. He’s made it clear that he wants to have sex with you but he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. He broke up with you and it doesn’t look like he’s going to take you back.
You didn’t say why you broke up, but you did mention that you’ve been sober since you broke up. I think that it’s great that you’re sober, but one month’s sobriety may not be enough for him to be willing take you back. You didn’t say why you’re going into therapy except that it’s for your mental health. He may want you to be in therapy for an extended period before he’s willing to take you back.
I honestly don’t think that it will be good for your sobriety and your mental health to take him back. You’re stone cold sober, but he’s still getting black out drunk. You may find that it’s hard for you to stay sober when you’re with someone who’s blackout drunk. You may also find that it’s hard for you to be with someone who uses alcohol as an excuse for his bad behavior. Alcohol explains his bad behavior, but it doesn’t excuse his bad behavior.
This is why I think that it would be best for you if you had no or low contact with him. I don’t see what you have to gain by talking with him about his behavior at the club last night. I understand why you felt jealous and upset when you saw him being so close with another woman. However, I think that you’ll be better off if you discuss your feelings with your therapist instead of with your ex.
r/nreakups is good sub for people who’re seeking support after a breakup.